History of the World-All in the Family

 NOTE:  I'll continue to post this disclaimer.  I'd like to caution against using anything you see below to study for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  Or Joe Biden.  Especially if you sniff their hair.

Egypt I

Mummies and Mayhem

They may have been compensating for something

    As we continue our story, we'll next concentrate on the goings-on in Egypt.  Of course, there was a lot happening in other parts of the world, most notably with the Sumerians, Babylonians, Assyrians, Akkadians, Hittites, Phoenicians, Minoans, Proto-Republicans, Hebrews, and the Schwartz family from what would become northern Poland.

"Quite frankly, that Middle East was the most fantastic Middle East in history, if you want to know the truth.  Beachfront property as far as the eye can see, a dry climate most unlike Mar-a-Lago...to be honest, the Florida humidity has done unbelievable things to my hair, but it's still better than the disgrace which is New York City, one of the greatest cities in the world when my friend Rudy ran it.  The Egyptians especially were big hygiene nuts, wrapping themselves in gauze when they died and took all their possessions with them so the government wouldn't be able to confiscate it.    Plus, there's nobody running around cutting peoples' heads off yet.  In fact, I plan on using the time machine that I built with my own quite stupendously yuge hands.  It's the most fantastic time machine in the world, to travel back and jump-start the 'Make the Nile Great Again' campaign."              

"No cutting heads off infidels?"
"Infidels haven't been invented yet."
"Oh.  Well, DEATH TO AMERICA, just to be sure."
"Granted.  All in good time, though."

    There were also the growing civilizations of the Indians,

Wrong Indians

Eskimos, Loyal Order of Water Buffalo, Mesoamericans and the Pacific (for all I know), not to mention those freezing their baguettes off in Scandinavia.  When they weren't arranging boulders in circles just to confuse the hell out of future archeologists.

   However, the nuns never delved much into those civilizations because they weren't proper Catholics (neither were the Assyrians I would have reminded them, were I not concerned for my knuckles).  That being the case, we'll stick with the Near East.  Mostly because that's what I remember.  Plus, I don't feel like doing much research into the others.

Meanwhile, in China...

    Rest assured, we'll get back to the Sumerians, et.al.  For now, though, let's direct our attention to the region centered on the Nile.  Okay, there were the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, but, yummy fertile crescent rolls notwithstanding, it was the Nile which really kicked ass.  And not just because it flowed from south to north-how freaky is that?

"Hey, Yankee, the St. Johns River in Florida flows north, too."
"North?  I thought it flowed up."
"How yew figger?"
"Well, it goes up on the map."
"Always knew you wuz more'n a purty face."

    Shortly after being kicked out of Mesopotamia for playing their music too loud ("We don't want to be close to the Iranians, anyway.  Yeah, call them Persians all you want, but they're still nuts.  Have you seen "300?"), the folks who'd become the Egyptians headed down the desert a ways until they fell into a flowing body of water teeming with hippos, crocodiles, and birds with bad attitudes.

  

"No, seriously, come on in.  The water's fine."

    The peoples who would build one of the greatest empires of the ancient world noticed how frikkin' green it was around that whacky river.  Not only was it green, its flowing waters deposited vast amounts of fertile silt all along its banks.  They'd be able to plant all sorts of crops, once they evicted the crocs.   Plus, a vast amount of silt was deposited at the Delta Burke Nile Delta, just as it entered the Mediterranean Sea.  They didn't call it that, of course.  I think they called it the "Mediterranean Ocean." 

    Stupid early Egyptians.

"Okay, this sucks."  

"On the bright side, we'll have a bumper crop

 of asparagus."

 "But, our pee will smell."  

"Well, there is that."

    Anyway, they figured that it would be a great place to settle down, plant crops, and kill anyone who tried to muscle in on that sweet silt action, worship their gods, or criticize their taste in music.  Unfortunately, they learned that the largesse provided by the river came at a cost, since the Nile flooded on a regular basis.  

    

    Good news?  The receding waters left a land rich for agriculture.  Bad news?  Half the Egyptians built their houses too close to the river banks.  And drowned.

    Once they divided up the belongings of their ex-neighbors, after

"Uh....got any Diet Coke, instead?"

filing a claim with Mutual of Sinai for damages, pain, and suffering, they then thought it would be a good idea to form a central government to oversee the burgeoning society.  First, they established a capital at Memphis, a little south of what is now Cairo.  Then, they designated a ruler, which they called a "pharaoh" (Greek-or Latin-for "ruler."  Or "Yul Brynner."  Historical sources are unclear).

    Early Egyptian culture consisted of sister marriage (because, let's face it, those chicks mucking around the papyrus farms were beasts), cat worship (because dogs were too busy sniffing butts), molesting camels (talk about "Hump Day"), pulling vital organs through the nose (of hopefully dead people), and carving Tik Tok hieroglyphics on the inside walls of pyramids. 

"Sniffing butts?  Tell me more."

 

Wrong hippo.

  The regions of Lower (aka "South") and Upper (aka "North") Egypt were brought together after the lower region's ruler, Sherman I, abdicated in favor of seeking his dream of swimming with hippos farther south (geographical south.  Confusing?  Yeah, me too.  Told you-stupid Egyptians).   

    The first pharaoh of the United States of Egypt, Elvis I (the capital was in Memphis, remember.  Please try and keep up with the comedy), tragically died when he choked on a Crocodile and Banana Sandwich whilst on the Royal Throne (aka "crapper") in his palace, Ibn-el Gracelandkhenaten.

NOTE:  The following tale of Egyptian History may have been inspired slightly by Hollywood.  Hey, it's all I got.  Sue me.

  

    The reign of the next Pharaoh, Seti I, started off well.  He

I mean, come on, who could blame Imhotep?  

I'd risk cockroaches.

supervised many public works projects, built an impressive military, and forbade the serving of Crocodile and Banana sandwiches in the imperial cafeteria.  However, he was betrayed by his wife, the pharaohness, Anck-su-Namun (who was probably his sister), who began doing the wild thing with the high priest, Imhotep (who was not her brother.  That whore).

"Apparently, the royal scepter was all it was cracked up to be."

  She killed Seti when he walked in them, then killed herself, hoping that her lover would bring her back to life.  

    Imhotep, wanting nothing to do with any of that business, ran off to hide in the desert town of Hamunaptra, to possibly find refuge with Sherman and his band of swimming hippos.  

"I suppose a sincere apology and maybe 

some community service is out of the question...?"

    However, he's captured and mummified, along with his drinking buddies, who really should have stayed home instead of lying to their wives that they had to work late.  But, to show how hacked off the former pharaoh's bodyguards were, they cut off his tongue and poured in a bunch of scarabs (big Egyptian cockroaches) before they wrapped him in rolls of gauze from the Giza Branch of Johnson & Johnson.

    Eventually, Brendan Fraser would wake him after falling into a hole while being chased by Ottoman soldiers.

    But, that's another story. 

And a lot better than this steaming pile of crap.

    After Seti's death, the nascent Egyptian civilization continued on for thousands of years, starting with the Old Kingdom (when the great pyramids were built with extraterrestrial help...until Pharaoh Trumpenefru threw all the aliens off the planet), then the Middle Kingdom, then the New Kingdom, ending with the Cleopatra Kingdom starring Elizabeth Taylor around 40 BC (give or take a few years...go ahead...count) when the Romans got fed up with those sister-marrying screwballs and just took over the whole shebang.

"My eyes are up here, Julius."

    In all that time, though, the other civilizations of the Near East were beginning to flourish.  Even though quite a bit happened around the lands of the Nile before the Egyptian sun finally set (and we'll get to it eventually), we'll now direct our attention to these other cultures.

    And, by "now," I mean "whenever."

Next:  The Sumerians, Babylonians, and Assyrians.  Oh, my.

A Coffee By Any Other Name

 

"And don't expect 'Merry Christmas,' either. 
 Because FU, that's why."

    As I sat down to write tonight, I had initially thought to give you something of a more serious nature.  After all, there are plenty topics from which to choose:  face diapers, vaccine efficacy, Orange Man antics, White House dementia, Alec "Big Shot" Baldwin, crime in the streets, a screen door southern border, sky-high inflation, and the very real possibility that a great many people will begin dying in Ukraine and Taiwan shortly after the Olympics.

 

    But, no, all that is depressing.  While I refuse to rule out addressing any of the hard-hitting issues of the day in later posts, I decided to rant on about something which has as much intellectual gravitas as "The Masked Singer."

Or Whoopi Goldberg wearing a mop.

    

    What I'm talking about is that Nexus of Pretension: Starbucks.

    To be honest, Starbucks ranks a good third when it comes to me getting coffee (behind Wawa and Dunkin).  In fact, I usually only go there in my capacity as a "Multi-Venue Consumption Transportation Representative" for Uber Eats (yeah, talk about being pretentious).

Not as cool as this, though

    NOTE:  We also have Sheetz in my area.  However, since I have never had coffee there, I haven't included them on my list.

What we refer to as the Redneck Wawa

    However, this morning, I found myself in need of some caffeine.  And, since it was too early to get a soda (or pop, to you weird people), I thought to seek out a good cup of coffee.  Considering that my only choices were 7-Eleven (remember, I said a good cup of coffee) and Starbucks, though, I decided to risk pompous ostentation for what really is a third-rate cuppa Joe.

"In addition to coffee which can strip paint,
 may we also suggest a mummified hot dog
or fart wrapped in cellophane disguised as a hoagie?"

    Even though I was a little leery of the Patchouli and Biscotti Metropolis, I resolved to get over myself.  I figured what harm could it be to just get some coffee? 

    As I walked through the door and waded through a few hipsters sipping on their brews or eating a scone, biscuit, whatever, I was greeted by a very cheery barista.  It went downhill from there.

    "Good morning, sir!  Welcome to Starbucks!"

    “I’ll have a Large coffee.”

    “You mean a Venti?”

    “What’s a Venti?”

    “It’s a Large coffee.”

    “Why can’t I just say ‘Large’?”

    “Because we’re Starbucks.”

    “What? Well, that’s frikkin’ stupid!”

    “Well, sir, Starbucks doesn’t have Large coffees. We have Ventis.”

    “Okay, I'll play your game.  Why?”

    “Because for every Venti sold, we send a penny to the rainforest.”

    “What???”

    “Yes, sir.  Right to the rainforest.”

    “Which rainforest?”

    “Any rainforest will do, sir. Although January is Amazon Month here at Starbucks.”

    “You’re putting me on.”

    “No, sir.  We just wrap a penny up and send it straight to Brazil via Amazon.  Wait.  That's kind of funny.  I never thought of that.  Anyway, not really sure what they do with it, but you can be sure it’s for a good cause.”

    “Sigh...okay, give me a Venti coffee.”

    “What flavor?”

    “What flavor!? Don’t you just have regular coffee?”

    “I thought you said you wanted a Venti, sir."

    "Huh?"

    "Our regular coffees are called Tall and our mediums are called Grande.  So, if you w...”

    “Whoa, whoa, whoa, doesn’t Grande mean Large?”

    “That’s only in Spanish-speaking countries, sir.  We’re based in Seattle.”

    “Well, that isn’t what I meant, and you know it. I meant all I wanted was your basic coffee. You have choices?"     

    “Oh, yes, sir.  We have Dark Roast, Extra Rich, Brazilian, Hazelnut, French Vanilla, Vanilla Ice, Jamaican Monkey Blend, Espresso, Australian Beaver Cheese, Mango Twist, Chinese Green Tea Coffee, Mocha Orgasm, Kona, Peruvian, Colombian, Mango Twist, Folgers...”

    “Wait...what??? You made that up!”

    “Which part, sir?”

    “That part about Australian Beaver Cheese.”

    “No, sir. Beavers are well known coffee drinkers.”

    “Says who?”

    “People.”

    “Which people?”

    “Beaver people.”

    “And the part about the cheese...?”

    “Same people, sir.”

    “Well, yewww, I don’t want that. Give me Dark Roast.”

    “Decaf, half caffe, third of a calf, full body, skinny, latte swirl, 10W 40, straight up...?”

    SLAM!!!!!

    “Sir? Sir??"

    

    I decided to look for the nearest Sheetz.  How bad could they be?

 Epilogue:  All kidding aside, I recently found out why they're called Ventis.  Apparently, "Venti" is Italian or Spanish or French or Somalian...

"I don't know languages."

for "twenty."  As in, you're ordering "twenty" ounces of liquid.  Likewise, some stores offer "Trientas" which means, you guessed it, "thirty" or "thirty ounces" of coffee.  Still doesn't explain why their frikkin' GRANDE isn't the large, though.  Pretentious douchebaggery affoot, methinks.

"Hear that, chum?  TO THE GRIEVANCEMOBILE!"
"That's only for racism, you idiot."
"Oh.  My bad.  How 'bout some coffee, instead?  Your treat."

Next time:  I think I'll continue with my History of the World series, for which I'm sure you've all been waiting with baited breath.  So, start studying now.  You'll need to know when I'm selling you a line of crap.

Hint:  That's often.

 

 

Insanity

 

    Got you, didn't I?
    No, this post has nothing to do with my struggles with mental health.

"Although...there is that."

    Actually, it's a review of the latest opus from Robyn Engel, she of the Life By Chocolate: Robyn Alana Engel's Blog on, duh, Blogger (hopefully you already knew that it's on Blogger.  If not, WTH are you doing here?  Looking for porn?).

"Search for porn."

     Hang on.

   Oh, who am I kidding?  More like five minutes. 

    Anyway, back to Robyn.  Okay, first off, the title of her newest book is NOT Insanity.  Rather, it's InSanity.  The reason I used the spelling that I did was that I wanted to draw the two of you in to see what crazy ass shit I was putting out this time.  You see, I employed a classic "bait and switch" technique to suck you in.

"Suck us in?  So there is porn?"
"Raht.  Porn.  Let's go, Brandon!"

     Robyn is one of those authors who I like to call...talented.  She is much more talented, and better looking, than I, you understand.  She weaves a serious tale (on mental illness.  Please keep up.  Especially you two on the porch) which is bracketed by lighthearted observations of the, ahem, insanity, which is the hallmark of our existence on this crazy place we call Earth.

"Shit.  I would've called it 'Water.'  But...whatever. 
Have to change all the maps, though."

    Her writing style (and I'm quoting myself) reminds me of lot of the writing style of Steven King.  Only without dead things, telekinesis, killer cars, or buck teeth.

"Not a little hurtful."
NOTE:  Now you know why Steven King keeps his mouth closed a lot.

  

    When you're done with this excellent work you will have arrived at a much better understanding of the demons of mental illness, specifically suicide.  Robyn pointedly...uh, points out...(please excuse the clumsy wording.  I couldn't think of anything better.  I told you she was a better writer than I) that people don't commit suicide.  Neither are they selfish.

    She also talks about something called Viagra Ice Cream.  So, there's that.

"Mmmmmmmm......viagra ice cream......"

"With nuts."

    The best part of this book?  I learned some things and was entertained at the same time.  And, that my friends, is the mark of an outstanding writer.

    Do yourself a favor and get this book (or any the others which she has written over the years).  You'll be glad you did.

    InSanity is available on Amazon.  When you get there, type in Robyn Engel" and, like magic, you'll go right to where you want to be.

    For every ten books sold, a complimentary shipment of dental floss will be sent to Steven King.

"You shut your whore mouth."

Stick a Fork In Him

Senator Ted Cruz calls the riot on January 6th by a few hundred misguided souls a "violent terrorist attack." 

We take you now to Senator Ted Cruz's political career...

History of the World-Fertile Crescent Rolls

To my Blogger friends (the handful of you)...you may recognize this post.  Originally printed in the summer of 2019 (you know, before the country lost its frikkin' mind), I've updated it slightly so it may be worth your while to have another look.  Although, I left in the crack I had written about Joe Biden (in the NOTE below), proving that comedy gold is still every bit as relevant as it was more than two years ago.  To my Facebook friends, this, of course, will be new to you.  I hope you like it.  And the fact that it...don't cost nothin'...

NOTE:  I'll continue to post this disclaimer.  I'd like to caution against using any of the nonsense below to study for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  Or Joe Biden.  Especially if you sniff their hair.

Early Societies
 

This grew especially dangerous because 

sometimes their dinner chased them.

    Shortly after the Ice Age drew to a close (except in certain parts of Minnesota, Maine, and apparently I-95 in Virginia) in 11,000 BC (give or take a hundred years…go ahead, count), people started growing weary of chasing their dinner around the Savannah.  Or  anywhere not in Georgia.

    After all, it took a lot of effort driving mammoths off cliffs.  With that in mind, humans soon shifted away from a hunting-gathering existence to a more agricultural one.

The shift accelerated after the disastrous 

"Cave Bear Roundup" by the now-extinct Zug Clan.

    People had been munching on berries, grasses, vegetables, and things they dug up from the ground for thousands of years, of course.  Fruit was also a staple.  Especially when plucked from the branches of trees they'd been chased up by leopards.  Who could climb...trees.

"Okay.  So me not smart."

"Idiot."

    But, I've always wondered what part of the human brain caused

But, not the bulls.  

As Herschel Zug found out to his dismay.

them to think that they could plant seeds in the ground to actually grow food.  Then again, somebody was the first to think that lobsters would make good eating.  Or that they could pull on the dangly bits of what we call cows (and they called Oprahs) to give them milk.  
  
   These initial forays into agriculture around 7,000 BC

"Now all we need is for someone to invent 

chips and football and we're all set."

(you really want to check me on this, don't you?  Hint:  I don't care) were primarily cereals such as emmer (whatever the frik that was), barley, rye, millet, hops, and bran (for the old people, who pretty much just sat around complaining about the weather).  Hops and barley were especially popular once they discovered they could make beer out of them.

"Don't even think about herding my big hairy ass.  

Or do I need to remind you of what happened to the Zugs?"

   Early farmers also began herding certain other animals for their milk, meat, wool, animal products (bits of bone, sinew, and intestines for condoms) and companionship for lonely farmers.  

    The first herd animals were goats, but later sheep, cattle, and pigs (this was before the invention of Jews and Muslims, so BLTs around the campfire were still okay) were added to the mix.  Attempts to herd gorillas were made, but they were shelved after a rash of "Poo-Flinging."  Plus, it was never a good idea to milk a gorilla.  Nothing much would come of it, they didn't find it sexy, and faces were often ripped off.

"Turkey bacon on BLTs is totally cool, though."

    

"TURKEY BACON SUCKS!!!!"

"AND K-MART!!!!"

    

    Eventually, peoples gathered together into small communities.  Not only were they able to pool their talents and resources together, they gave each other neighbors about whom they could constantly bitch.  I'm sure some folks gathered together in the far north of the world, but these people were stupid.

"What you mean, Miami Beach?"

    Most humans gathered together where it was warm and conducive to the growing of crops, herding of livestock, and not

Mesopotamia

Greek-or Latin-for "Between the Waters"
or "Here There Be Crazy People."

Huh.  Egypt, too?  Whaddya know?  

Damn my public school education!

freezing body parts off.  Yes, this included parts of China, Pakistan, and even Mesoamerica.  But, I'm going to concentrate on the Mesopotamian region of the world, also commonly referred to as the "Fertile Crescent."  It is here, in the lands of what are now parts of Iraq, Syria, Turkey, and Beheadistan, where the first cities were formed.

 

No phones, no lights, no motorcars, not a single luxury.

Not even dial-up cable.

  

    Most of their dwellings were constructed of mud wattle, grass sods, or primitive brick.  It was a pity that early man had hunted the Vinyl Sidingasaurus to extinction.  It would be many thousands of years before an artificial form of home construction would be invented in Levittown, Pennsylvania.

   This is also the time when mankind discovered that he (or, most likely, she, because all the dudes were busy chasing sheep and creating fantasy skull kicking leagues), could mash up grains with water, toss the mixture into an oven, and bake wonderful delicacies such as bread, charred bread, and fertile crescent rolls.
    
    However, they continued on with an ancient human tradition. 
Only now, since the Neanderthals were either wiped out or relocated to New Jersey, they raided other villages to pillage, kill, plunder, pull hair, and kidnap slutty sheep.

"Hey, there, Sailor.  Take me to your mud house?"

Next time:  Egypt-You Mean I Can Marry My Sister?

Telephone Diplomacy

 Putin suggested that Biden give him a call to discuss the situation in Ukraine...

"Is the refrigerators running?"

"Hang on.  I'll go check."

"Holy crap!  That thing is fast!!"

"You're an idiot.  You gotta know that, right?"