History of the World-All in the Family

 NOTE:  I'll continue to post this disclaimer.  I'd like to caution against using anything you see below to study for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  Or Joe Biden.  Especially if you sniff their hair.

Egypt I

Mummies and Mayhem

They may have been compensating for something

    As we continue our story, we'll next concentrate on the goings-on in Egypt.  Of course, there was a lot happening in other parts of the world, most notably with the Sumerians, Babylonians, Assyrians, Akkadians, Hittites, Phoenicians, Minoans, Proto-Republicans, Hebrews, and the Schwartz family from what would become northern Poland.

"Quite frankly, that Middle East was the most fantastic Middle East in history, if you want to know the truth.  Beachfront property as far as the eye can see, a dry climate most unlike Mar-a-Lago...to be honest, the Florida humidity has done unbelievable things to my hair, but it's still better than the disgrace which is New York City, one of the greatest cities in the world when my friend Rudy ran it.  The Egyptians especially were big hygiene nuts, wrapping themselves in gauze when they died and took all their possessions with them so the government wouldn't be able to confiscate it.    Plus, there's nobody running around cutting peoples' heads off yet.  In fact, I plan on using the time machine that I built with my own quite stupendously yuge hands.  It's the most fantastic time machine in the world, to travel back and jump-start the 'Make the Nile Great Again' campaign."              

"No cutting heads off infidels?"
"Infidels haven't been invented yet."
"Oh.  Well, DEATH TO AMERICA, just to be sure."
"Granted.  All in good time, though."

    There were also the growing civilizations of the Indians,

Wrong Indians

Eskimos, Loyal Order of Water Buffalo, Mesoamericans and the Pacific (for all I know), not to mention those freezing their baguettes off in Scandinavia.  When they weren't arranging boulders in circles just to confuse the hell out of future archeologists.

   However, the nuns never delved much into those civilizations because they weren't proper Catholics (neither were the Assyrians I would have reminded them, were I not concerned for my knuckles).  That being the case, we'll stick with the Near East.  Mostly because that's what I remember.  Plus, I don't feel like doing much research into the others.

Meanwhile, in China...

    Rest assured, we'll get back to the Sumerians, et.al.  For now, though, let's direct our attention to the region centered on the Nile.  Okay, there were the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, but, yummy fertile crescent rolls notwithstanding, it was the Nile which really kicked ass.  And not just because it flowed from south to north-how freaky is that?

"Hey, Yankee, the St. Johns River in Florida flows north, too."
"North?  I thought it flowed up."
"How yew figger?"
"Well, it goes up on the map."
"Always knew you wuz more'n a purty face."

    Shortly after being kicked out of Mesopotamia for playing their music too loud ("We don't want to be close to the Iranians, anyway.  Yeah, call them Persians all you want, but they're still nuts.  Have you seen "300?"), the folks who'd become the Egyptians headed down the desert a ways until they fell into a flowing body of water teeming with hippos, crocodiles, and birds with bad attitudes.

  

"No, seriously, come on in.  The water's fine."

    The peoples who would build one of the greatest empires of the ancient world noticed how frikkin' green it was around that whacky river.  Not only was it green, its flowing waters deposited vast amounts of fertile silt all along its banks.  They'd be able to plant all sorts of crops, once they evicted the crocs.   Plus, a vast amount of silt was deposited at the Delta Burke Nile Delta, just as it entered the Mediterranean Sea.  They didn't call it that, of course.  I think they called it the "Mediterranean Ocean." 

    Stupid early Egyptians.

"Okay, this sucks."  

"On the bright side, we'll have a bumper crop

 of asparagus."

 "But, our pee will smell."  

"Well, there is that."

    Anyway, they figured that it would be a great place to settle down, plant crops, and kill anyone who tried to muscle in on that sweet silt action, worship their gods, or criticize their taste in music.  Unfortunately, they learned that the largesse provided by the river came at a cost, since the Nile flooded on a regular basis.  

    

    Good news?  The receding waters left a land rich for agriculture.  Bad news?  Half the Egyptians built their houses too close to the river banks.  And drowned.

    Once they divided up the belongings of their ex-neighbors, after

"Uh....got any Diet Coke, instead?"

filing a claim with Mutual of Sinai for damages, pain, and suffering, they then thought it would be a good idea to form a central government to oversee the burgeoning society.  First, they established a capital at Memphis, a little south of what is now Cairo.  Then, they designated a ruler, which they called a "pharaoh" (Greek-or Latin-for "ruler."  Or "Yul Brynner."  Historical sources are unclear).

    Early Egyptian culture consisted of sister marriage (because, let's face it, those chicks mucking around the papyrus farms were beasts), cat worship (because dogs were too busy sniffing butts), molesting camels (talk about "Hump Day"), pulling vital organs through the nose (of hopefully dead people), and carving Tik Tok hieroglyphics on the inside walls of pyramids. 

"Sniffing butts?  Tell me more."

 

Wrong hippo.

  The regions of Lower (aka "South") and Upper (aka "North") Egypt were brought together after the lower region's ruler, Sherman I, abdicated in favor of seeking his dream of swimming with hippos farther south (geographical south.  Confusing?  Yeah, me too.  Told you-stupid Egyptians).   

    The first pharaoh of the United States of Egypt, Elvis I (the capital was in Memphis, remember.  Please try and keep up with the comedy), tragically died when he choked on a Crocodile and Banana Sandwich whilst on the Royal Throne (aka "crapper") in his palace, Ibn-el Gracelandkhenaten.

NOTE:  The following tale of Egyptian History may have been inspired slightly by Hollywood.  Hey, it's all I got.  Sue me.

  

    The reign of the next Pharaoh, Seti I, started off well.  He

I mean, come on, who could blame Imhotep?  

I'd risk cockroaches.

supervised many public works projects, built an impressive military, and forbade the serving of Crocodile and Banana sandwiches in the imperial cafeteria.  However, he was betrayed by his wife, the pharaohness, Anck-su-Namun (who was probably his sister), who began doing the wild thing with the high priest, Imhotep (who was not her brother.  That whore).

"Apparently, the royal scepter was all it was cracked up to be."

  She killed Seti when he walked in them, then killed herself, hoping that her lover would bring her back to life.  

    Imhotep, wanting nothing to do with any of that business, ran off to hide in the desert town of Hamunaptra, to possibly find refuge with Sherman and his band of swimming hippos.  

"I suppose a sincere apology and maybe 

some community service is out of the question...?"

    However, he's captured and mummified, along with his drinking buddies, who really should have stayed home instead of lying to their wives that they had to work late.  But, to show how hacked off the former pharaoh's bodyguards were, they cut off his tongue and poured in a bunch of scarabs (big Egyptian cockroaches) before they wrapped him in rolls of gauze from the Giza Branch of Johnson & Johnson.

    Eventually, Brendan Fraser would wake him after falling into a hole while being chased by Ottoman soldiers.

    But, that's another story. 

And a lot better than this steaming pile of crap.

    After Seti's death, the nascent Egyptian civilization continued on for thousands of years, starting with the Old Kingdom (when the great pyramids were built with extraterrestrial help...until Pharaoh Trumpenefru threw all the aliens off the planet), then the Middle Kingdom, then the New Kingdom, ending with the Cleopatra Kingdom starring Elizabeth Taylor around 40 BC (give or take a few years...go ahead...count) when the Romans got fed up with those sister-marrying screwballs and just took over the whole shebang.

"My eyes are up here, Julius."

    In all that time, though, the other civilizations of the Near East were beginning to flourish.  Even though quite a bit happened around the lands of the Nile before the Egyptian sun finally set (and we'll get to it eventually), we'll now direct our attention to these other cultures.

    And, by "now," I mean "whenever."

Next:  The Sumerians, Babylonians, and Assyrians.  Oh, my.