"H" is For "Hector"

 

"H" is For "Hector"

Seems pretty badass to me.  Even with a skirt.

    The following post for the letter “H” describes a person who may not even existed, as he plays a pretty significant part in Greek mythology.  Then again, his story was in a Hollywood movie.  Since everyone knows that Hollywood never lies, it must be true, right?

    As described by Homer in his epic, the Iliad, Hector was a Trojan prince of...uh...Troy (try to keep up), a city in western Asia Minor.

Wrong Homer

Correct Homer

    According to legend, during a state visit to Sparta in the 12^th (or 13th) century BC (BCE, to you politically-correct ninnies), Hector’s brother, Paris, stole King Menelaus' wife, Helen.  Most of the Trojans there were satisfied with just taking the towels or even some of the silverware, but Paris got a little piggy about it.

"Power of Boners. amirite?"

      Vowing to get her back since she was reportedly drop-dead gorgeous (especially when compared to sheep), the Spartans, along with a lot of Greek allies, started a war with Troy.  It was called  the Trojan War (makes sense, amirite?).

    Since Hector was son of the Trojan king, Priam, it only made sense that he be involved in any heavy fighting.

"What the hell did you just say?"

    Paris, according to the movie, was a bit of a puss.  However, in real life, he was a pretty decent fighter.

"Naw, he was a puss."

    One of the Greeks’ best fighters was a man named Achilles.  He was supposedly son of a god and human mother.  

    Or the other way around.  I didn’t research it.  This is about Hector, after all, and I’ve already written about ‘A.’

    Whatever he was, Achilles was apparently a bit of a moody prick.  He came to Troy to fight, but then he became a prima-donna and refused to do so, preferring instead to bang cocktail waitresses two and three at a time.

"I respect that."

    However, he was butt buddies (after all, we’re talking Greece here) with a man named Patroclus.  The movie “Troy” would have us believe that he wore Achilles’ armor as some sort of fan service.  But, from what I read, Achilles actually asked him to wear his armor.

    In any case, Patroclus got all full of himself and challenged Hector, who thought he was Achilles, to a fight.  A fight which Hector won.

"Mothefu...where'd his armor go?""

    Once Hector realized it was a tragic case of mistaken identity, he wanted to make nice.  But Brad Pitt Achilles would have nothing to do with some punk-ass explanation.

    He then fought Hector outside the city walls.  Even though it was hard fought, Achilles won when he rammed his sword into Hector’s throat.

Tell me this doesn't look like some ad for the WWE.
"Two Men Would Fight, One Would Get a Sword in the Throat!"

        Even with Hector’s death, Achilles was so ticked off over the death of Patroclus that he dragged Hector’s corpse around the city behind his chariot.  Yeah, dick move.

    Eventually, after twelve days, he granted Priam’s request that his son’s body be turned back over to him.  You can imagine what shape that thing must have been in.

"Please, oh please can you give me my son's body? 
Also, if you could hit it with a little Febreez...much appreciated."

    Troy eventually fell when the Greeks tricked them into taking a wooden rabbit inside the city walls.

Or horse

    Achilles would be felled by an arrow in his heel.

"Eff.  That's gonna leave a mark."

    NOTE:  Why a wound in his heel would hurt him is beyond the scope of this post.  Which is about Hector.

    The ghost of Hector would go on to play a sucky Hulk and a Romulan.

"Better than a sword in the throat."

  

Achilles, on the other hand, would star in a movie with George Clooney.

        According to, you know, to legend.        

"G" is For "Gregory"

 

 

"G" is For "Gregory"  

"Son of a...this thing is squeezing my head like a grape!"

  Pope Gregory XIII was the...uh...thirteenth pope of the Roman Catholic Church (come to think of it, that’s pretty redundant.  There’s no such thing as a pope of the Eastern Orthodox Church) from 1572 to 1585.

     He was born Ugo Boncampagni on June 7, 1502 in Bologna, Italy  (“Italy” technically wouldn’t actually be a country until unification in the 19^th century).  No baloney.

"Mmmmmmmm......Italian baloney.........."

    He became a Jesuit priest and taught jurisprudence (something to do with the law. I think.) at the University of Bologna from 1531-1539.

    He was bumped up the company ladder when Pope Pius IV made him a cardinal and papal emissary to Spain in 1565.

Wrong cardinal

Wrong cardinals

That's better.

    NOTE:  Spain then being in the thick of things with American exploration since they actually found gold.  This was discussed in my last post about Ferdinand II.

    Ugo was elected pope on May 14, 1572, due in large part to the influence wielded by the Spanish king, Phillip or Charles or whoever.  I don’t know and don’t feel like looking it up.

    NOTE:  I’ve been doing enough research.  Get off my back.

    Ugo took the name of Gregory, mostly because it was easier to spell than “Boncampagni” and the invitations were already written for Gregory’s investiture.

    He is mostly known for his reforms of the Catholic Church in response to all the Protestant bitching going.  He really couldn’t do anything about Henry VIII and the Church of England, however.

"Power of Boners, my dude."
NOTE:  Picture used for entertainment purposes.  Henry was long since dead.

    This was inelegantly known as the “Counter Reformation” after one of his advisor’s first recommendation, “Hey Protestants? Up Yours!” was rejected by a conclave of cardinals.

"Okay, we get rid of indulgences.  Agreed?"
"Can we still keep Bingo?"
"Of course.  We're not savages."

    He also instituted a system of seminaries, meant for the training for the training of Catholic priests, including its first lecture, “Keeping It In Your Pants.”

    Mostly, though, Pope Gregory is known for implementing what is known as the Gregorian Calendar.  The Julian Calendar, in use since 46 BC (BCE, to you politically-correct ninnies) was showing its age.  Its inaccurate estimation of the solar year (365.2422 days-yeah, I looked that up.  You think I knew the exact number?), lead to the world edging closer to the seasons being all out of whack.

    The biggest change to the calendar (besides the name, which was a huge FU to Julius Caesar, was how leap years were estimated.  Rather than EVERY four years having a February with 29 days, only those divisible by 400 would have a longer Black History Month.

"Yeah, so what?  I still get a month.  And sometime after the middle of March, the Senate is supposed to change the 'Bay of Naples' to the 'Bay of Julius.'"

    Meaning, 1800 and 1900 would not be leap years, while 2000 would.  The year 2100 would NOT have a leap year, though.

    That’s okay, though.  Most of us will be dead by then, anyway.

    I know what you’re thinking.  That’s all????  Well, besides the calendar advancing ten days from October 4 to October 15, yeah that’s about it.

    But, it was enough to throw people all in a tizzy (personally, I would think they had enough to worry about.  You know, like the Black Death).

"Death of Color."

  Whiners, mostly Protestants, accused the Pope of being the Anti-Christ who was trying to pull off a decidedly pro-Catholic agenda.

"That's cute.  We all know who the Anti-Christ is!"

    Eventually, though, they came to be at peace with the changes.  Especially since they thought Julius Caesar was a narcissist who didn’t rate his own calendar.  And those rats were starting to be a real problem.

    Although, Russia didn’t adopt the Gregorian Calendar (or pants) until 1918.

    Pope Gregory XIII died, of death, on April 15, 1585.  He went to his heavenly reward knowing that he made a real difference in the world, if for nothing else bestowing on us a calendar which would have us sunbathing in January.

"Surf's up!"
"What the f...are you nuts?"

    NOTE:  Sigh....yes, yes...I know, it’s hot in January in the Southern Hemisphere.  You know what I mean.  Shut up.    

"F" is For "Ferdinand"

 

"F" is For "Ferdinand"

    Every school child knows (or should know unless they went to a Minnesota Learing Center)  that Christopher Columbus discovered America.

    Of course, this completely ignores the fact that Vikings first came to North America almost five hundred years earlier.

"Ahem"

    I can hear you wondering, “Hey, this is supposed to be a post about the letter ‘F.”  In what crazy world does Columbus start with ‘F’?”

    Well, it doesn’t.  You see, this isn’t about Columbus.  Rather, it’s about King Ferdinand II.

Who apparently didn't own a razor.

    Ferdinand II of Aragon (March 10, 1452-January 25, 1516) is considered the first King of Spain and ruled from January 20, 1479 until January 23, 1516.  He and his wife, Isabella I, Queen of Castile, were known as the “Catholic Monarchs.”

"Super Friends" having already been taken.

    For those playing at home, the Kingdom of Aragon was comprised of Aragon (naturally) Valencia, Mallorca, Sardinia, Sicily, and the Principality of Caledonia.

"Mallorca" being a major part of the Balearic Islands

Palma de Mallorca is a lot of fun, from what I can remember. 
Which, frankly, isn't much

    He is best known for his patronage of Christopher Columbus, an Italian explorer from Genoa.  Although, to be honest, it was Isabella who was the main advocate of this fuzzy little sailor.  An added bonus, she was sexier.

And clean-shaven.

   In 1492, or roughly when Joe Biden was born, the Catholic Monarchs authorized an expedition westward in search of a way to the riches of the Orient.  They were getting sick and tired of those showoffs in Portugal who found a way to India by going around Africa.

"I can promise you gold.  Or monkeys and parrots."  

    What followed was increased exploration of what would become known as the New World, establishing a Spanish foothold which would last for centuries.

And Taco Bells from coast to coast.

    But, Ferdinand is also known for finally tossing out the last remnants of Islam from mainland Europe in 1492 (wicked busy year, that).  Known to history as La Reconquista, the Moors

"Card says 'Moops'."

were evicted from Grenada 

taking their cars with them.

and sent scurrying across the Strait of Gibraltar where they took up residence in places such as Morocco.

They came back, though.

    When Isabella died in 1504, their daughter, Joanna, took over as Queen of Castile.  However, since she was considered nuts

Founder of MCGA (Make Castile Great Again)

Ferdinand took over as regent for his daughter in 1507.

    Ferdinand continued to live a great lifestyle, even finding a second wife, Germaine of Foix, who he met via Aragon Tinder.  He wore bathrobes all day and even took to smoking his pipe during wild parties at the palace.

    NOTE:  Except for marrying Germaine, none of the above is true.  

    In 1516, Ferdinand died and went, hopefully, to Heaven where he was reunited with the sexy Isabella.

"So, were you going to tell me about that pipe smoking thing?"

    FINAL NOTE:  To be historically accurate, the practice of pipe smoking was completely foreign to Europeans at that time.  Tobacco wouldn’t be “discovered” until a quite few years after the English founded Jamestown in the 17^th century.

"So, can we eat it?"
"No."
"Use it to make clothing?"
"No."
"What can we do with it?"
"We can set it on fire and inhale the fumes."
"Won't the Surgeon-General have a problem with that?"
"Who?"

      

 

"E" is For "Elagabalus"

"E" is for "Elagabalus"

All head, no body

"Head?"

    One of the reasons I enjoy the A-Z Challenge is that I learn new things.  For instance, my entry for the letter “E,” "Elagabalus," has afforded me the opportunity to do a deep dive on someone I didn’t know a whole bunch about.

    NOTE:  I have barely scratched the surface of the lives of the people I've chosen since my intention is to make these hideous things as short as I can.  After all, you have lives to lead.  But, if you want to learn more (especially which are the jokes and which are not), I encourage you to go into much greater detail.  Who knows?  Maybe you 'll get to be a nerd like me.

And never get laid.

     While I recognized the name, I hadn’t realized that “Elagabalus” wasn’t his birth name.  Rather, it was a nickname ascribed to him after his death.

     Spoiler Alert:  He did die.

   He who was known to history as “Elagabalus” was born Marcus Aurelius Antoninus circa AD 204 (“CE” to you politically correct nonnies) in Homs, Syria.

    Nerd Note #1:  Even though he was born in Syria, he was not a Muslim.  Those crazy bastards wouldn’t start swinging swords and lopping off heads until near the middle of the 7^th Century.

We're coming for you, though, infidel.

   Why was he named after Marcus Aurelius, you might ask (you're probably not asking).  The “Philosopher Emperor” was a key figure of the Nerva-Antonine dynasty, while Elagabalus was part of the Severan Dynasty.  So, my answer?

Beats the shit out of me.

   Nerd Note #2:  Roman emperors being known by a nickname does have precedent.  The Emperor Caligula’s real name was Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (try fitting that on a birthday cake).  As a young boy, though, he often accompanied his father, Germanicus, into army camps where he wore a smaller version of sandals legionaries wore.  These “little boots” were called “Caligulae."

   Where was I?  Oh, yeah, Elagabalus.

    Elagabalus ascended the throne on May 16, 218, when his predecessor, Macrinus, was murdered (there was a lot of emperor-murdering going on).  He took the throne at the tender age of 14, which was crazy because you had to be 16 to even get a chariot license.

"Chicks dig the toga, though."

    When you think about it, though, the average lifespan for Roman males was between 25 and 30 at the time.  So, I guess you could call Elagabalus middle-aged.

    Anyway, as teenagers are wont to do, Elagabalus wound up being a real pain in the ass.  Sleeping in, chasing girls, eating all the food in the palace, talking all day on a ram's horn which he called a "telephone," bringing his own god to Rome...

    Hang on, can’t let that go because it will explain his nickname.  He incorporated the sun god, Elagabul, into the Roman pantheon.  Apparently, there was plenty of room.  He ordered that Romans worship this interloper, to the detriment of the others.

Elagabul.
This looks familiar somehow....

I knew it.

    He lead a life of excess and debauchery.  There was even some question as to his sexuality.

    He managed to tick off the people, the senatorial class, and even his Praetorian Guard.  Holy crap, even Commodus had the support of the Praetorian Guard and we know how much of a dick he was, especially to 

the commander of the Armies of the North, general of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius, father to a murdered son, and husband to a murdered wife.

"Eff.  I think I pissed him off."
NOTE:  Not Joaquin Phoenix.

    Anyway, he was assassinated by some disaffected members of his guard in 218, a relatively old man of 18.

"He says 'pull my finger' just one more time..."

    Much like with Akhenaten (I invite you to visit my entry for ‘A’) with all that goofiness and his sun god worship, the mere mention of his name was thoroughly discouraged.  

"Come on!  I thought I was done already."

  Romans wanted to forget the whole thing happened.  Especially the part where their emperor had zits.

    However, the Romans didn’t learn a thing, because the next emperor, Alexander Severus, was only 13.

"They're gonna make you emperor.  You can quit this crappy job now."

    Historians are unclear whether his testicles had dropped.