"O" is For "Odoacer"

 

"O" is For "Odoacer"   

   Odoacer, also known as Odovacer, Odovacar, or Odo Dog (to his friends) was born around AD 433 (CE to you politically correct ninnies) and died on March 15, 493 when he...well, we’ll get to that.

    An officer in the Roman Army, he was a barbarian from the Middle Danube, home of beheading, flaying, and pillage.  All to the tune of waltzes.

"Look, I may be a barbarian, but I know a dump when I see one. 
No wonder you people fell."

    Fun Fact: Despite the perception that they were akin to something like the GEICO caveman, “barbarians,” at the time, were considered to be merely those who were not Roman or Greek.

"Not a little hurtful, to be honest."

    Odoacer became King of Italy when he deposed Romulus Augustulus, a teenager who was the last emperor of the Western Roman Empire, in 476.

"No, seriously.  Put on the crown, sit in this chair...what's the worst that could happen? And stop trying to hide the fact you aren't wearing skivvies"

    At Ravenna, not Rome.  Ravenna, in the north of Italy had been the de facto capital of the Western Empire for a very long time because it was deemed more defensible.  And harder to spell.

    Rome itself was fast becoming Dark Ages Disney for tourists.

And barbarian invasions

    Another Fun Fact (gee, I’m full of them):  His name meant “Little Augustus.”  The first Roman Emperor was “Augustus.”

"Yeah, I was pretty badass.  And I shaved."

    Odoacer felt sorry for the kid, so instead of murdering him, gave him a pension of 6,000 soldi (about $2,000.  Or whatever.  Let’s put it this way, a lot back then), some candy, and then sent him to live with relatives in Campania.

Known for seaside vistas, bucolic lifestyle, and hookers.

     Even though he was King of Italy, Odoacer considered himself a client of the Eastern Roman Emperor, Zeno.  Basically, seeing him as the only game in town, Zeno conferred upon Odoacer the title of “dux italiae” (or “Italian Duke.”  Maybe.  I don’t know.  It’s all Greek to me).

 Emperor Zeno. 
Greek for "Effed-Up Chin." 
You'll see him again.
"Z" is coming up, don'tcha know.

   Although you would think that his reign was peaceful, nothing could be farther from the truth.  Not only did he have to battle this barbarian horde or that barbarian horde, Odoacer regularly had to contend with the Senate, headed by Mitchimus McConellus (believe it or not, those clowns were still around, despite taking a lot of vacations to Italian beaches).  They, apparently, considered themselves relevant.

    Well, if that doesn’t sound familiar.

    One barbarian leader, Theodoric of the Ostrogoths, led an invading army into the peninsula (there were also tribes such as the Vandals and Visigoths wreaking havoc.).

To say nothing of the Ravenna High School
chapter of "Goths For a Free Palestine."

    Hoping to score a good meal, Odoacer agreed to meet Theodoric over dinner on March 15, 493.  Enraged by his using the wrong fork, Theodoric drew his sword and struck Odoacer in the collarbone, thus killing him.

And you thought this was bad. 
Okay, well, it was, too.

    The King of Italy thus went to his grave regretting that he didn't know common dinner etiquette.

"Well, that's what you get for using a salad fork to eat chicken. 
Barbarian."

"N" is For "Nelson"

 

"N" is For "Nelson"

Wrong Nelson

That's better

    Once upon a time, Brittania ruled the waves.  Not so much now,  But, a couple hundred years ago?  Most definitely.

    One of the most revered heroes of the Royal Navy in the later years of the 18^th century until the early years of the 19^th century was Admiral Horatio Nelson, 1^st Viscount Nelson, and 1^st Duke of Bronte.

    NOTE:  I’m not sure what exactly all that meant.  Trust me, he was a big wig.

    Born on September 29, 1758 in Norfolk, England, Nelson distinguished himself via series of stunning victories until he was (SPOILER ALERT) killed by a French marksman during the Battle of Trafalgar on October 21, 1805.

    His many honors and achievements included winning the Order of the Bath, Order of the Shower, Ottoman Order of the Crescent, Love Seat Order of the Crescent Roll, and Order in the Court. 

    What’s more, he was a lifelong member of the Pirates of the Caribbean Fan Club

And Quiznos Sandwich Fanatics

    Nelson’s career at sea began at a young age, when he was sponsored by some big wig (I can’t remember the name, but I don’t feel like looking it up) to serve aboard one of His Majesty’s warships as a Midshipman.

    He earned his first command at the young age of only 20 in 1778.

    NOTE:  For those who didn’t go to a Minnesota Learing Center, you would know that would be during the American Revolution.

    After cessation of hostilities in the former colonies (which we won)  

"Ahem."

(Okay...sigh...with French help), the Royal Navy shrunk considerably.  As was common during those days, Nelson found himself out of work.

    To make ends meet, he sold kidney pies (using real kidneys from mental patients) and making balloon animals outside Westminster Abbey.

    However, once France started causing trouble, Nelson found himself back onboard the heaving deck of a warship.  His duties took him to the Mediterranean where he saw action against the French.

Using their diabolical tactic of Mime Warfare

    He won battle after battle, most notably at the Battle of the Nile in 1798 (where Napoleon tried to steal the Sphinx).  Following that, he oversaw the protection for the Kingdom of Naples against a French invasion and theft of its pizza recipe.

    Unfortunately, he lost both the battle and his right arm at the Battle of Santa Cruz de Tenerife.  This proved to be a major setback for England and especially for Nelson, since he used his right hand to wipe.

    What Horatio Nelson is most noted for was the smashing British victory while he was embarked aboard HMS Victory against a combined Franco-Spanish fleet at the Battle of Trafalgar on October 21, 1805.

Not to be confused with...

    NOTE:  If you read the beginning, you’d know that was an ominous date.

   Prior to joining what would be a fierce fight against the enemy, Nelson inspired his sailors with the stirring, "Watch out for cannonballs" “England expects everyone man to do his duty.”

    More unfortunate than what he lost at Tenerife, Nelson lost his life when a French marksman picked him off with a well-placed musket shot.

Or a cannon loaded with grapeshot and stale baguettes. 
Sources are unclear.

    Still, the English achieved a decisive victory at Trafalgar which paved the way for the eventual defeat of Napoleon at Waterloo.  Where the French began their long tradition of surrendering.

    Nelson, on the other [left] hand became the stuff of legend as the Sailor’s Sailor.

    Who didn’t need to worry about doing his duty anymore.   

 

"Spare a square?  Arm's gone."

"M" is For "Machiavelli"

 

"M" is For "Machiavelli"

    Niccolo di Bernardo dei Machiavelli was a Florentine diplomat, author, philosopher, part-time traffic cone, and historian.  He was born in Florence, Italy (that would explain the “Florentine” bit) on May 3, 1469 and would die on June 21, 1527 in Florence.

Kind of a creepy looking dude, if you ask me.
  No wonder he never left Florance.

    BONUS NOTE:  The country we know as Italy today was actually a group of different city-states and pizza parlors which wouldn’t unify until the 19^th century.  Other notable regions at the time included Venice, Genoa, and the Papal States.  Each province on the Italian peninsula had their own agendas and often competed with other in trade policy, best lavatories, and remedies for the Black Death.

Which didn't work and were often quite silly

    He is considered the Father of Political Philosophy and Political Science.  Apparently, the mother wanted nothing to do with Philosophy and Science Machiavelli and joined Marco Polo on his trip to visit the Great Khan on Ceti Alpha V.

"So, tell me, Marco.  Do the horses of your family drown during Water Polo?"

    NOTE:  To learn more about Marco Polo, please visit my post for the letter “K.”  Yes, I know “Polo” begins with “P.”  It’s about “Kublai Khan.”  You can visit if you want.  Or not.  I’m just impressed that you’re here.

    Niccolo was quite a mover and shaker in the Medici-ruled Republic of Florence,

    ANOTHER NOTE:  The Medici family were the muscle in Florence.  While their story would take a whole ‘nuther post (and I’ve already got an “M” input), let’s put it this way: 

They were like the Mob before the Mob was cool.

but his most famous work was, The Prince.  

Not that one

This one

Of course, he would never know if it made the Renaissance bestseller list or not because it wasn’t published until five years after his death in 1532.

    The delay was caused by the fact that the only printing press available was on loan to Milan at the time.  However, it was written in 1513, which was quite a bit before his death of a stomach disease.  In it, Machiavelli described his political philosophy when it came to how a ruler should...uh...rule over his people.

    Thinking he was just being pragmatic and hitting his fellow Renaissance despots with some tough love, The Prince has become known as an unscrupulous owners’ manual for tyrants 

Be honest.  You were expecting someone else, weren't you? 
Gotta spread my mockery out fairly, ya know.

who would use any means at their disposal to achieve their goals and establish affordable health care.

    “The end justifies the means” could very easily be word-for-word from The Prince, but I didn’t feel like looking it up.  Hey, this A-Z Challenge is tough enough as it is.

    Let’s just say that it perfectly encapsulates his “Machiavellian” point of view.

"Hey, whaddayaknow? That's where the word came from!"

    Now, before you think that was the only thing he wrote, Machiavelli also wrote numerous works such as The Discourses of Livy, considered to have paved the way for modern republicanism,

Now we know who to blame.

The Florentine Histories. A history of...Florence, and Dell’arte Della Guerra, which translates to The Art of War. 

Not to be confused with The Art of Carney

    That last sounds vaguely familiar...like I've heard of it before.

"He who would copy work would lose printing press to Milan."
-Sun Tzu, The Art of War

    You know, when you think of it, maybe we should add "plagiarist" to his many titles.  Too bad he lived during the Renaissance.  He could have been President today.   

"No joke."

"L" is For "Lepidus"

 

"L" is for "Lepidus" 

   Part of my motivation for this year’s A-Z Challenge is that I wish to talk about those characters who may not be as well known as others.  For instance, instead of Genghis Khan, I wrote about Kublai Khan.  Instead of Columbus, I chose Cabot.  Instead of Julius Caesar, I’m going with Marcus Aemilius Lepidus.

Bust of Lepidus

Bust of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
Hey, just because I think she's an empty-headed imbecile
doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

    Lepidus was a Roman General and statesman who was born around 89 BC (BCE to politically correct ninnies) and died around 12 BC.  Or early 13 BC.

    He was a good friend of Julius Caesar and often invited him over for a barbecue and a couple rounds of pinochle.

    NOTE:  I may be wrong about barbecues.

    When Caesar was ventilated on the Ides of March in 44 BC (BCE to po...you get the picture), Lepidus, for understandable reasons (Caesar owed him money from the last card game),

"They're called 'boxes of ziti.'"

sought revenge on those who had committed the foul deed, Crassus and Brutus, in particular.  So, he forged an alliance with Mark Antony (played by Marlon Brando) 

Not here, though.

and Caesar’s nephew, Octavian, who would go on to become known as Augustus.

Roddy McDowall as Octavian

Roddy McDowall as Cornelius

"THAT DAMN DIRTY APE!"

    Thus allied, they formed the Second Triumvirate  (the First Triumvirate consisted of Julius Caesar, Pompey the Great, and Marcus Crassus).  

"These jerks always want fish.  I want Chinese!  Why can't I have Chinese?   
Wait. Has Chinese food been invented yet?"

    The big difference is that this iteration had legal authority and thus could render the Senate into a useless gaggle of old men who were as effectual as a box of gauze condoms.

    Sound familiar?

    This led the way to Octavian becoming emperor and the end of the Roman Republic.

    Uh oh.

    After the conspirators were defeated at the Battle of Phillipi, the three went about seeing how they could best govern.  Mark Antony, though, wielding the power of boners, canoodled with Cleopatra

I mean, could you blame him?

 and was defeated by Octavian at the Battle of Actium in 23 BC.

    Lepidus, even though he was technically a co-ruler, was increasingly sidelined by the Roddy McDowall lookalike.  He had some territory, sure, and was designated the last Pontifex Maximus of the Roman Republic.  But, to be honest, it was Octavian (now Augustus) who really called the shots.

    When his service was needed for the odd vote, he was called in to cast it.  And, even then, Augustus disrespected him by calling on him last.  In effect, he was considered an irrelevant old man.

"No joke."

    In stark contrast to later years of the Empire, Lepidus died peacefully in late 13 BC or early 12 BC.  Wait.  I already wrote that.  Aw, screw it.

    No one really knows because no one really cares.

    Marcus Aemilius Lepidus, one third of the Second Triumvirate of Rome.    

    And answer to a trivia question.     

"K" is For "Kublai Khan"

 

 "K" is For "Kublai Khan"

Kublai.  
Grandson of Genghis  
Of the East Asia Khans. 

FULL DISCLOSURE:  What you are about to read (the two of you) is a repost of something I wrote in 2012.  The way I figure it, since it's been fourteen years, you may not remember it (if you even read it in the first place).  Plus, since I'm halfway through the Challenge, I figured I'd be a little lazy and not go through the trouble of researching something new.  Besides, I rewrote it a little bit and added new pictures.  So, suck it.  In any event, my "L" should be something completely new.  Should be.  

    Kublai Khan ruled the Mongol Dynasty.  You know, those kooky dudes who terrorized hapless peasants as they were arranging chicken bones into the shape of Jesus and dying of the Black Death.

"Death of color."

     Kublai (not to be confused with Kublai, Fran, and Ollie),

A popular Chinese children's puppet troupe

Okay, maybe it was "Kukla."  And maybe they weren't Chinese. 

"That would be fake news."

grew up in East Asia sometime in the late 13th century, or what historians call “A Long Effin’ Time Ago.”  I’m thinking his birthplace was in Mongolia, but what do I know, he was only leader of the Mongols.

  Grandson of the great Genghis Khan, young Kublai had historic shoes to fill 

"Of course. He got my yak footies in the will."

At first, Kublai sought the life of a businessman when he opened a chain of restaurants on the Asian steppes.  Unfortunately, the huge popularity of “General Tso’s Chicken” eclipsed his own “Kublai’s Kippers” and he was forced into a life of conquest. 

  Smarting from his culinary comeuppance, Kublai swore revenge on his Chinese rivals.  Making an end-around the Great Wall of China

via the "Not So Great Picket Fence of China"

he established his headquarters in what is now known as Beijing (although the Mongols called it something Mongolian.  Kinda figures, if you think about it).

  From the relative luxury of his capital (no indoor toilets, though), he oversaw a vast kingdom which stretched from the eastern coast of Asia through Europe and into the smarty-pants Islamic world.

  His only major setback was his invasion of Japan.  The wily Japanese used their secret weapons of sex robots

and dinosaurs

to thwart the horseback invaders, who, incredibly, failed to realize horses couldn’t swim in the Sea of Japan.

  Later in his reign, he was visited by Marco Polo, the great Venetian explorer

and inventor

Marco was awed by the beauty of the great khanate, the jeweled riches he beheld, and the exotic spices sure to spice up whatever dead thing was found floating in a Venetian canal.  He was especially intrigued by Chinese handcuffs.  In fact, Marco used one of these devilish restraints to help his father, Water, break his nose-picking habit.

"Water" Polo.
You really have to pay attention here.

  Likewise, Kublai was fascinated by these pungent visitors from lands he had just raped and pillaged.  He was amazed that they had the audacity to show up without calling first.  Or having the decency to at least bring a bundt cake.

  In an effort to get to know people he would eventually behead,

"Trust me, you'll get to love it.
  Oh.  Wait.  I'm dead.  Never mind.  Still..."

he urged Marco to send back as many learned men and clerics he could find so that he may learn more of the European religion which flayed the skin off non-believers (which, basically, was right up Kublai’s alley).

  With a smile on his face (and dozens of fortune cookies on the back of his camel), Marco returned home and was arrested by Italian ICE 

Italian Ice. 
Get it?
I crack myself up.

for doing...something.  But, while in jail, when not fending off prison rape, he wrote a book about his visit, “How I Did It.”

"Hey, that sounds like a snappy title. 
Wait.  I'm dead, too. 
Penwasser oughta update his picture library."

    Marco’s Jailhouse Journal was the catalyst for the insatiable European desire for the riches China and India offered.  It spurred Portuguese exploration around the southern tip of Africa so they could avoid having to deal with those showoffs in Genoa and Venice.  

    It even inspired Christopher Columbus.  However, being dyslexic, he read Polo’s book backward and, so, went west instead of east.  

"I shall call it, What the Frik You Mean This isn't China?"

    So, what legacy did Kublai leave the world?  Well, his masterful guidance of the Mongol horde brought death and destruction to much of the known world and played a great part in the persistence of feudalism in Russia.  Wait, that’s not it.

  No, I got it.

  His leadership of ferocious invaders whose torching of Europe through over one hundred years lead to a favorite among diners throughout much of the world:

  Mongolian Barbecue. 

"That's what we're gonna call it?  I like it."