"Y" is For "Yamamoto"

 

“Y” is for “Yamamoto"

Domo Arigato, Mr. Yamamoto

    Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto was a Japanese admiral (that would explain the title) who rose to become commander of the Imperial Japanese Navy in the 1940s.

"How you like all my medals? 
Lemme tell you, the things you can get at Tokyo Walmart!"

    NOTE:  Incidentally, World War II was the last war in which the United States actually declared war.  So, there’s that.

    The admiral was born on April 4, 1884.  That he was not an admiral at birth and that he was born in Japan is probably obvious.

Unless you went to a place like this.

"Come on, man!  That joke is getting so old!  Tampon?"

    Even though he is best known for his actions during World War II (we’ll get to that), Yamamoto distinguished himself for his service in the Russo-Japanese War of 1905 and in the years leading up to the horrific global conflict.

    In fact, it was during the Battle of the Tsushima Strait where Yamamoto lost two fingers.

"SONOFAB...those are the fingers I use to pick with!"

 

"Oh, boo HOO, you big baby!  I lost me 'hole bloody arm, I did!"*

    After a war which Japan won (shocking the batcrap out of the Russians), Yamamoto went on to study at Harvard University and then was assigned to the Japanese Embassy in Washington as Naval Attache.
    I think that was covered in the movie, Midway.

Which also starred Mr. Miyagi

    It was through his experiences in America that Yammy learned a successful war depended on access to oil and a robust industrial capacity.  Neither of which they possessed.

They did have Godzilla, though.

    Therefore, he judged that Japan would not be able to prevail in a war against the United States.

    Yeah, imagine that.  We were pretty badass back in the day.

    Nevertheless, as his country began preparations for a war, the Yamster was all in on how best to overcome the hated Yankees.  

Especially after they won the 1941 World Series.

    Since Hollywood wasn’t yet anti-American, he knew he had to take action so he planned for a massive surprise attack on the American fleet in Hawaii.

    Of course, unless you went to the lea...okay, that’s enough with that, you would know that the attack on Pearl Harbor was deemed a great success (unlike that dreadful Ben Affleck movie) by many in his military.

"Hey!  What're you talking about? 
We were much better than Tora! Tora! Tora!"

"Yeah...no."

     Yamamoto, on the other hand, had his misgivings.  Sure, thousands of Americans were killed and several warships damaged or destroyed, but the American aircraft carriers were at sea.

    And the admiral knew that the next war would involve carriers and naval aviation.

What's more, the American Navy had USS Nimitz

     In 1943, Yamamoto scheduled a tour of Japanese military installations (Bob Hope, the Andrews Sisters, and Dorothy Lamour all declined) throughout the South Pacific.  Unfortunately, for him, American code-breakers had intercepted his plans.  

"Hey, any of you guys seeing this?"

    On April 18, his plane was shot down near New Guinea.

Old Guinea

"Who?  Penwasser? 
Yeah, we've been expecting that little smartass for quite some time."

    Interestingly, and I didn’t know this, there is no evidence that he ever said or wrote down the line for which he is most known.  At the end of the movie, Tora! Tora! Tora! (vastly superior to Pearl Harbor), he is shown walking the deck of his flagship as this quote flashes on the screen:

“I fear all we have done is awaken a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve.”

"Even so, let's see Affleck pull that off!"

    Pretty cool line, but you just can't trust Hollywood, amirite?  

    I'm beginning to think that The Final Countdown wasn't a documentary, after all.

   *To get the joke, you'll need to visit my post on "Nelson."

   

 

'X' is for 'Xerxes the Great"

"X" is For "Xerxes the Great"

"Isn't it bad enough he's called 'the Great?' He gets his own post, too?" 
Author's Note:  The above is Darius III who was not great. 
If you've been following this nonsense, we talk of him in my 'D' post. 
You're welcome.

FULL DISCLOSURE:  After much (well, some) deliberation, I found it difficult to come up with a proper candidate for my "X" post.  I have therefore, decided to go with ole reliable, Xerxes the Great.  Yes, for the sharp-eyed out there, this is a repost from last year.  And then some.  But, the way I figure it, quite a few of you are new to this disaster and so this will be new to you.  Since I am benevolent, I'll break it up into parts (this thing is long enough).  In any event, I sincerely hope you enjoy this discussion on that wild and crazy guy from Persia.  

Not him

 

Too soon?

     300 on TNT is the story of 300 (that’s where they get the title...duh) Spartans led by King Gerard Butler against the evil Persians of...uh...Persia.

Told ya.

Interestingly enough, 300 also featured Lena Headey. 
You may recognize her as Cers...naw, that would be too easy

    For almost two hours, these brave warriors use sword, spear, and pectoral muscles against the very best the enemy could fling at them.  It’s only after the treachery of some guy who would make Congresswoman Rosa de Lauro from Connecticut look attractive that the Greeks are defeated.

You know, on second thought...

"HEY!!"

    Rather than the buff-boy Spartans, I grew curious about Leonidas’ opponent, Xerxes.

"Hey, how do you separate the men from the boys in Greece?"
"I dunno.  How?"
"A crowbar."

    Xerxes the Great was born in 519 BC (or "BCE" to you politically-correct ninnies) to Atossa and Darius the Great.  Both of his parents were descended from Achaemenes, but of different Achaemenid lines.  The source documents are pretty clear on that as they wanted to leave no doubt there was no incest hanky-panky going on.  After all, they weren’t Egyptians.  

After all, what could go wrong with that?

    Anyway, Darius knew that marrying a daughter of the great Cyrus the Great

"Again with 'the Great!'  Motherfu...!"

would certainly help his plan for kingship.  Plus, it would smooth his application to the Nineveh Country Club.

    Anyway, Darius was pissed at off at everyone, from Babylon to that guy who sold him those Kinoki foot pads.  But, he was most hacked off at the Greeks.  Who, besides having grass and a recipe for some kick-ass souvlaki, had some of the sweetest nude beaches in the Mediterranean.  So, he made intense preparations for an invasion of...Egypt.

    Yeah, no kidding.

    Before he left the country, he was required to name a successor.  I guess this was just in case he got whacked.  Or was having too much fun on a Greek beach.

    Before doing so, he contracted with Gambino and Sons building contractors to build him a tomb.  After permits were finally approved after the Zoning Officer found the head of a camel in his bed, construction began at Naqsh-e Rostam (yeah, I’m not going to look it up, either).  Freed from the stress of planning his final resting spot and picking out window treatments, Darius then named his son, Xerxes, as his successor.

This Xerxes.

Not LGBTQ+1 Xerxes.

 

    If you're still awake...

To be continued in May.  Sometime... 

in ...

 The Great Xerxes the Great Sequel!

"W" is For "Wilson"

    

"W" is For "Wilson"

"Surprise!"

   

      Unless you've been living under a rock, many men have been accused of being the "worst president in American history."  Whether Biden, Carter, Obama or...Trump, there is no shortage of candidates.

    I disregard these claims for the most part because they are partisan-driven.  Besides, not enough time has passed for an accurate...uh...judgement.

    The judgement of history will...uh...judge who really is the worst.

Although...

    Eff, there must be a synonym for “judgement” and “judge.”  I really should buy a thesaurus.

    At any rate, a man who must be entered into the conversation for proper judgement (DAMMIT) as the worst has to be Woodrow Wilson.

    NOTE: I'm thinking you already gathered that.

"Whew!" 

Hey, don't get cocky.  I already wrote a "B' post. 
Trust me.  You suck, too.

    Thomas Woodrow Wilson, born December 28, 1856 in Staunton Virginia

Affectionately called "Woodie" in college,
he eschewed the "Thomas" moniker.

and was the 28^th President of the United States who served from 1913 to 1919.

    The 1912 election was relatively close and can be compared to the 1992 election.  In both, a third nominee split the vote (primarily Conservative) to hand the presidency to the Democrat.  In Wilson’s case, he defeated Republican William Howard Taft and Theodore Roosevelt (who, butthurt, ran as the nominee for the "Bull Moose Party").  In 1992, George H.W. Bush’s bid for re-election was squashed by Bill Clinton (and H. Ross Perot).

    In any event, Woodie (that is kinda catchy) was the only Democratic president to serve during what’s known as the Progressive Era.

Guess who the first was.
HINT:  He carried a big stick.

"Stick?  Well, hello, Sailor!"

    He was the first Southerner to win the White House since 1848 and, in stereotypical fashion, promoted racial segregation in the federal bureaucracy.

    So...racist.

    He also opposed women’s suffrage.

    So...misogynist.

    In 1913, he created the Federal Reserve and, with it, the federal income tax.

    So...a “take your money” kind of dude.

    Unless you went to a Minnesota Learing Center, you’d know that something pretty significant was going on in Europe at the time.  Wilson railed against the international suicide going on over there (rightly) and campaigned on not taking the United States into a foreign war during the run up to the 1916 election (also rightly).

Yeah.  No kidding. 

    Well, he (again narrowly) won that contest and was sworn in early 1917.  In April, 1917, he asked for a declaration of war against Germany and the Central Powers.

    So, there’s that.  Bait and switch, anyone?

"Y'all really bought that 'No New Wars' thing, huh?"

    After Germany was defeated in 1918, he took his “Sanctimonious Tour, ‘19” on the road to Versailles.  There he presented his Fourteen Points to the Europeans, who really just wanted to punish TF out of the Kaiser.

"Look, I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of Saint Woodie." 
"Perhaps we can send him to go get lunch...?"

    NOTE:  My opinion, you understand, but their harsh treatment of the Germans set the stage for 1939.

    One of the Fourteen Points was a League of Nations, which Americans wanted no part of.  Wilson strenuously tried to convince Congress and his countrymen of the vital necessity of the League.

    To no avail.

    In October, 1919, no doubt exacerbated by his efforts, the President suffered a stroke which effectively torpedoed his presidency.  From that point, until Republicans won control of the presidency in 1920, his condition was kept quiet.  His day-to-day schedule was controlled by his physician and his wife, Edith.

Who was pretty scary-looking, to be honest.

    Edith has come under fire for acting as president.  But, at least she wasn’t accused of elder abuse like...well, you know who I’m talking about.

     Wilson died on February 3, 1924.

    Colored people weren’t invited to the funeral.   

"V" is For "Vlad the Impaler

 NOTE:  Okay, like with Kublai Khan, I’m throwing another repeat at you.  Although, this is from a few years ago so I very much doubt anyone will remember it.  Also, most of the people coming to visit for the A-Z Challenge (thank you) are brand new and haven’t even see this at all.  At any rate, I hope you come back when things return to “normal.”  There’s nothing better to make you feel good about yourself than reading this nonsense.

    So...on with the show. 

“V” is For “Vlad the Impaler”

 

Rockin' that 1470s porn stash

    Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia (we Americans will probably never know where that is unless we start a war there),

"As long as they don't develop werewolves."

Just to be safe.
Just south of Transylvania.
Yeah.  There really is such a place.

was a member of the House of Dracula (no kidding), 

Or House of Pancakes.  Sources are unclear.

and is commonly known as Vlad Tepes, or "Vlad the Impaler."  This pretty much hacked off Chip Tepes.

"Wait.  I thought impaling was my thing."

     Born in 1431, Vlad died (or did he?), in 1476 at the age of 45 (go ahead, do the math.  I dare you). 

    His reputation for excessive cruelty inspired Bram Stoker to write the classic novel, Dracula (now you know where he got the name).  And Hollywood, being Hollywood, churned out countless vampire movies in which impaling never was really a big player.

"But neck biting.  Totally a thing."

    Impaling, for those of you who do not know, involves running a pointed stick up through the body.  If still alive (I can't imagine anyone would have been, but maybe. Who knows?  I never met too many impalees), the human shish-kabobs are stuck in the ground to serve as a warning to others not to mess with Vlad III (who was much fiercer than his father, Vlad II the Floral Arranger).

"Yikes, that's just gotta hurt. 
Better not piss myself off.  Or Chip."

    Be that as it may, Vlad is a national hero in Bulgaria and Romania (I thought we were talking Wallachia?  Geez, those people just can't make up their minds).  He fought a series of vicious wars against the Ottomans, thus preserving his peoples' freedoms.

    Stories that he was a monster began circulating sometime before his death and grew in intensity in the centuries afterward.  Many of these tales originated from the Turks (surprise) and the Germans (yeah, as if those people had a lot of room to talk).

    I suspect that, while I'm quite sure they had some basis in fact, most of the hysteria was overblown.  Much like the stories of Americans tossing thousands of Japanese-Americans into internment camps.

Oh.  Wait.

    At the very least, the only crime that I can see that Vlad is guilty of is that mustache.

    And the hat.

    Probably got a free bowl of soup with that hat.

    Which is much better than a flagpole shoved up your anus.

    More than likely.

"Oh, I don't know."