"J" is For "Joan of Arc"

 

"J" is For "Joan of Arc" 

 

Not to be confused with "Noah of Ark"

  Joan of Arc is considered the patron saint of France

Along with Saint Marcel

for her role in the eventual coronation of Charles VII as King of France (before which he was known as the “Dauphin.”  Why?  I don’t know.  It’s French) and leading French troops to victory after the siege of Orleans.  A string of victories followed, which played a critical part in France winning the Hundred Years War decades later.

    NOTE:  The Hundred Years War (1337-1453), which lasted quite a bit longer than a century, was a struggle between England and France for various reasons of which we won’t get into here.  This thing is long enough, yo.  Suffice to say it, incredibly, was won by France.

Mostly due to French use of Tactical Taunting

    The Maid of Orleans was born to French parents (which, I would think, goes without saying) sometime in 1412 and died on May 30, 1431, due to extreme overheating.  She is known as "Joan of Arc" (or "Jeanne d'Arc."  More French) because it refers to her father's family name.

    Imagine if it had been "Finkelstein."

    In 1428, she asked to be taken to the court of Charles VII.  Once there, she told the Dauphin that she had visions from the Archangel Michael, Saint Margaret, and Catherine about how she could help the French beat the English.  She also stumbled upon some wicked mushrooms in the family garden.

    Charles sent her to help the French at the siege of Orleans because he figured “Why not?” and the sight of a chick in armor would freak the Limeys out.  

Which it probably did

Shortly after Joan arrived, the English left because it was tea time.  A string of victories followed, which played a critical part in France winning the Hundred Years War decades later.

    Wait.  I already said that.  Sorry. It’s late.

    Unfortunately, Joan got a little too big for her chain mail and the French fell on hard times.

    She was captured by Burgundians, Frenchmen who supported the enemy (kinda like Democrats), on May 23, 1430 at the Siege of Compiegne.  She was turned over to the English and put on trial for heresy.

    The charges against Joan included the aforementioned heresy, dressing in men’s clothes, and speaking of visions deemed demonic in nature.  

The charge of turning someone into a newt was dropped, however.

    Not surprisingly, she was found guilty.

Something didn't look right when she walked in.

    NOTE:  This was over one hundred years before the establishment of the Church of England.  Therefore, it was “Catholic On Catholic” violence.  And here you thought Islam was the only violent religion in world history.

"Yeah, but we're here, we're now, though, infidel!"

    Joan was burned at the stake on May 30, 1431 (hence the “extreme overheating” crack).  

"For this you wear a dress?"

    She was only nineteen at the time, which was a real bitch because she planned to enter the freshman class at the University of Paris.  She was looking forward to wild keg parties.  And Parisian mushrooms.

    In 1456, an inquisitorial court overturned the verdict, declaring it had been rife with procedural errors and the English judges having a hard-on for a chick who had kicked their asses.  This, of course, didn't do Joan a whole lot of good.

    NOTE:  Actually, if you believe that stuff, overturning the judgement of a witch would clear the way for her soul to enter Heaven.  Prior to that, she had been stuck in Purgatory, the Church’s version of Detroit.

    In 1920, she was canonized by Pope Benedict XV.  Two years later, she became one of the patron saints of France.  

"If you like that, you should see what I did with eggs."

    Along with Saint Maurice Chevalier.  Who sang, “Thank Heaven For Little Girls.”

Coincidence?

 

 

"I" is For "Ivan the Terrible"

 

"I" is For "Ivan the Terrible"

Originally known as "Ivan the Smells Terrible."

    Ivan IV Vasilyevich was born on August 25, 1530 (that would be August 15^th , according to the Julian calendar.  Learn all about that way of dating things in my post about Pope Gregory.  Holy crap!  It’s like these things are connected!).

    HINT:  They’re not.  This is purely coincidental.

    He died of a stroke while playing chess on March 28, 1584 (or March 18.  Once again...).

I hadn't realized chess was dangerous.  Who knew?

    He ascended the throne in 1533 after his father died while playing checkers.  He was only three at the time (Ivan, not his dad.  That would be impossible.  And silly).  I mean, here I thought Alexander Severus becoming Emperor of Rome at 13 was nuts (as described in my ‘E’ post.  Wow!  These things are connected!).  His first gig was Grand Prince of Moscow and all Russia.

Young Ivan

Young Sheldon

    In 1547, after a massive reorganization of the Russia bureaucracy by his Minister of All Things Russian and Orange, he became the nation’s first Tsar and Grand Prince of all Russia.

"My great-great-great-great grandfather, Sergei Vasily Trumpanovenich, was a genius, a truly remarkable man light years ahead of his time, to be honest.  A pioneer, really.  He saw a need to bump up the bureaucracy and filled it.  Notice it says Grand Prince, not Sleepy Prince.
  Thank you for your attention in this matter."

This job would continue to the 20^th Century when Nicholas II and his family would be shot by the Bolsheviks.

"Hey. did any of you hear a noise?"

Fun Fact (really): “Tsar” is the Russian version of “Caesar.”  Likewise, “Kaiser” is the German version. 

And a type of roll.

    Ivan’s reign was marked by Russian transformation from a medieval state to a fledgling empire as he sought increased contact with other European powers, especially England.

Who, let's face it, had the Codpiece Market cornered.

.   Of course, feudal serfdom would remain until the late 19^th century.  Baby steps, you know.

    He revised legal codes, reorganized the bureaucracy, and created Russia’s first standing army

Prior to that, they just skied.

and brought the first printing press to Russia, after a late-night, vodka-fueled purchase from Eastern Europe eBay. 

    What’s significant is that he implemented the practice of “oprichina’” a state policy which eliminated much of the opposition to his rule, including a purge of people who didn’t like chess.

    In 1588, he triggered the Livonian War, a war which Russia lost.

Which Livonians commemorate as the "FAFO War."

    His later years was marked by the Massacre of Novgorod in 1570, which became the most vicious of oprichina brutality.  Casualties were estimated to be in the thousands.

Resulting in Ivan being stricken from their Christmas card list.

    Few people know he wasn’t originally called “Ivan the Terrible.”  In the beginning of his reign (remember, he was three), he was known as “Ivan the Bedwetter.”  Starting in his adolescence, he was called "Ivan the Ill-Tempered.”

"Teenagers, amirite?"

     However, a successful campaign by the citizens of Novgorod had that changed to “Terrible.”

     I mean, can you blame them?

NOTE:  Okay, seriously (no kidding).  “Terrible” is taken from the Russian “grozny,” which more accurately translates to “awesome” or “impressive.”  It wouldn’t necessarily mean “terrible,” as we consider it today.

    Although, I’d bet you’d get an argument from the Novgorodians. 

"H" is For "Hector"

 

"H" is For "Hector"

Seems pretty badass to me.  Even with a skirt.

    The following post for the letter “H” describes a person who may not even existed, as he plays a pretty significant part in Greek mythology.  Then again, his story was in a Hollywood movie.  Since everyone knows that Hollywood never lies, it must be true, right?

    As described by Homer in his epic, the Iliad, Hector was a Trojan prince of...uh...Troy (try to keep up), a city in western Asia Minor.

Wrong Homer

Correct Homer

    According to legend, during a state visit to Sparta in the 12^th (or 13th) century BC (BCE, to you politically-correct ninnies), Hector’s brother, Paris, stole King Menelaus' wife, Helen.  Most of the Trojans there were satisfied with just taking the towels or even some of the silverware, but Paris got a little piggy about it.

"Power of Boners. amirite?"

      Vowing to get her back since she was reportedly drop-dead gorgeous (especially when compared to sheep), the Spartans, along with a lot of Greek allies, started a war with Troy.  It was called  the Trojan War (makes sense, amirite?).

    Since Hector was son of the Trojan king, Priam, it only made sense that he be involved in any heavy fighting.

"What the hell did you just say?"

    Paris, according to the movie, was a bit of a puss.  However, in real life, he was a pretty decent fighter.

"Naw, he was a puss."

    One of the Greeks’ best fighters was a man named Achilles.  He was supposedly son of a god and human mother.  

    Or the other way around.  I didn’t research it.  This is about Hector, after all, and I’ve already written about ‘A.’

    Whatever he was, Achilles was apparently a bit of a moody prick.  He came to Troy to fight, but then he became a prima-donna and refused to do so, preferring instead to bang cocktail waitresses two and three at a time.

"I respect that."

    However, he was butt buddies (after all, we’re talking Greece here) with a man named Patroclus.  The movie “Troy” would have us believe that he wore Achilles’ armor as some sort of fan service.  But, from what I read, Achilles actually asked him to wear his armor.

    In any case, Patroclus got all full of himself and challenged Hector, who thought he was Achilles, to a fight.  A fight which Hector won.

"Mothefu...where'd his armor go?""

    Once Hector realized it was a tragic case of mistaken identity, he wanted to make nice.  But Brad Pitt Achilles would have nothing to do with some punk-ass explanation.

    He then fought Hector outside the city walls.  Even though it was hard fought, Achilles won when he rammed his sword into Hector’s throat.

Tell me this doesn't look like some ad for the WWE.
"Two Men Would Fight, One Would Get a Sword in the Throat!"

        Even with Hector’s death, Achilles was so ticked off over the death of Patroclus that he dragged Hector’s corpse around the city behind his chariot.  Yeah, dick move.

    Eventually, after twelve days, he granted Priam’s request that his son’s body be turned back over to him.  You can imagine what shape that thing must have been in.

"Please, oh please can you give me my son's body? 
Also, if you could hit it with a little Febreez...much appreciated."

    Troy eventually fell when the Greeks tricked them into taking a wooden rabbit inside the city walls.

Or horse

    Achilles would be felled by an arrow in his heel.

"Eff.  That's gonna leave a mark."

    NOTE:  Why a wound in his heel would hurt him is beyond the scope of this post.  Which is about Hector.

    The ghost of Hector would go on to play a sucky Hulk and a Romulan.

"Better than a sword in the throat."

  

Achilles, on the other hand, would star in a movie with George Clooney.

        According to, you know, to legend.        

"G" is For "Gregory"

 

 

"G" is For "Gregory"  

"Son of a...this thing is squeezing my head like a grape!"

  Pope Gregory XIII was the...uh...thirteenth pope of the Roman Catholic Church (come to think of it, that’s pretty redundant.  There’s no such thing as a pope of the Eastern Orthodox Church) from 1572 to 1585.

     He was born Ugo Boncampagni on June 7, 1502 in Bologna, Italy  (“Italy” technically wouldn’t actually be a country until unification in the 19^th century).  No baloney.

"Mmmmmmmm......Italian baloney.........."

    He became a Jesuit priest and taught jurisprudence (something to do with the law. I think.) at the University of Bologna from 1531-1539.

    He was bumped up the company ladder when Pope Pius IV made him a cardinal and papal emissary to Spain in 1565.

Wrong cardinal

Wrong cardinals

That's better.

    NOTE:  Spain then being in the thick of things with American exploration since they actually found gold.  This was discussed in my last post about Ferdinand II.

    Ugo was elected pope on May 14, 1572, due in large part to the influence wielded by the Spanish king, Phillip or Charles or whoever.  I don’t know and don’t feel like looking it up.

    NOTE:  I’ve been doing enough research.  Get off my back.

    Ugo took the name of Gregory, mostly because it was easier to spell than “Boncampagni” and the invitations were already written for Gregory’s investiture.

    He is mostly known for his reforms of the Catholic Church in response to all the Protestant bitching going.  He really couldn’t do anything about Henry VIII and the Church of England, however.

"Power of Boners, my dude."
NOTE:  Picture used for entertainment purposes.  Henry was long since dead.

    This was inelegantly known as the “Counter Reformation” after one of his advisor’s first recommendation, “Hey Protestants? Up Yours!” was rejected by a conclave of cardinals.

"Okay, we get rid of indulgences.  Agreed?"
"Can we still keep Bingo?"
"Of course.  We're not savages."

    He also instituted a system of seminaries, meant for the training for the training of Catholic priests, including its first lecture, “Keeping It In Your Pants.”

    Mostly, though, Pope Gregory is known for implementing what is known as the Gregorian Calendar.  The Julian Calendar, in use since 46 BC (BCE, to you politically-correct ninnies) was showing its age.  Its inaccurate estimation of the solar year (365.2422 days-yeah, I looked that up.  You think I knew the exact number?), lead to the world edging closer to the seasons being all out of whack.

    The biggest change to the calendar (besides the name, which was a huge FU to Julius Caesar, was how leap years were estimated.  Rather than EVERY four years having a February with 29 days, only those divisible by 400 would have a longer Black History Month.

"Yeah, so what?  I still get a month.  And sometime after the middle of March, the Senate is supposed to change the 'Bay of Naples' to the 'Bay of Julius.'"

    Meaning, 1800 and 1900 would not be leap years, while 2000 would.  The year 2100 would NOT have a leap year, though.

    That’s okay, though.  Most of us will be dead by then, anyway.

    I know what you’re thinking.  That’s all????  Well, besides the calendar advancing ten days from October 4 to October 15, yeah that’s about it.

    But, it was enough to throw people all in a tizzy (personally, I would think they had enough to worry about.  You know, like the Black Death).

"Death of Color."

  Whiners, mostly Protestants, accused the Pope of being the Anti-Christ who was trying to pull off a decidedly pro-Catholic agenda.

"That's cute.  We all know who the Anti-Christ is!"

    Eventually, though, they came to be at peace with the changes.  Especially since they thought Julius Caesar was a narcissist who didn’t rate his own calendar.  And those rats were starting to be a real problem.

    Although, Russia didn’t adopt the Gregorian Calendar (or pants) until 1918.

    Pope Gregory XIII died, of death, on April 15, 1585.  He went to his heavenly reward knowing that he made a real difference in the world, if for nothing else bestowing on us a calendar which would have us sunbathing in January.

"Surf's up!"
"What the f...are you nuts?"

    NOTE:  Sigh....yes, yes...I know, it’s hot in January in the Southern Hemisphere.  You know what I mean.  Shut up.