Penwasser Place

'X' is for 'Xerxes the Great"

"X" is For "Xerxes the Great"

"Isn't it bad enough he's called 'the Great?' He gets his own post, too?"
Author's Note: The above is Darius III who was not great.
If you've been following this nonsense, we talk of him in my 'D' post.
You're welcome.

FULL DISCLOSURE: After much (well, some) deliberation, I found it difficult to come up with a proper candidate for my "X" post. I have therefore, decided to go with ole reliable, Xerxes the Great. Yes, for the sharp-eyed out there, this is a repost from last year. And then some. But, the way I figure it, quite a few of you are new to this disaster and so this will be new to you. Since I am benevolent, I'll break it up into parts (this thing is long enough). In any event, I sincerely hope you enjoy this discussion on that wild and crazy guy from Persia.

Not him

Too soon?

300 on TNT is the story of 300 (that’s where they get the title...duh) Spartans led by King Gerard Butler against the evil Persians of...uh...Persia.

Told ya.

Interestingly enough, 300 also featured Lena Headey.
You may recognize her as Cers...naw, that would be too easy

For almost two hours, these brave warriors use sword, spear, and pectoral muscles against the very best the enemy could fling at them. It’s only after the treachery of some guy who would make Congresswoman Rosa de Lauro from Connecticut look attractive that the Greeks are defeated.

You know, on second thought...

"HEY!!"

Rather than the buff-boy Spartans, I grew curious about Leonidas’ opponent, Xerxes.

"Hey, how do you separate the men from the boys in Greece?"
"I dunno. How?"
"A crowbar."

Xerxes the Great was born in 519 BC (or "BCE" to you politically-correct ninnies) to Atossa and Darius the Great. Both of his parents were descended from Achaemenes, but of different Achaemenid lines. The source documents are pretty clear on that as they wanted to leave no doubt there was no incest hanky-panky going on. After all, they weren’t Egyptians.

After all, what could go wrong with that?

Anyway, Darius knew that marrying a daughter of the great Cyrus the Great

"Again with 'the Great!' Motherfu...!"

would certainly help his plan for kingship. Plus, it would smooth his application to the Nineveh Country Club.

Anyway, Darius was pissed at off at everyone, from Babylon to that guy who sold him those Kinoki foot pads. But, he was most hacked off at the Greeks. Who, besides having grass and a recipe for some kick-ass souvlaki, had some of the sweetest nude beaches in the Mediterranean. So, he made intense preparations for an invasion of...Egypt.

Yeah, no kidding.

Before he left the country, he was required to name a successor. I guess this was just in case he got whacked. Or was having too much fun on a Greek beach.

Before doing so, he contracted with Gambino and Sons building contractors to build him a tomb. After permits were finally approved after the Zoning Officer found the head of a camel in his bed, construction began at Naqsh-e Rostam (yeah, I’m not going to look it up, either). Freed from the stress of planning his final resting spot and picking out window treatments, Darius then named his son, Xerxes, as his successor.

This Xerxes.

Not LGBTQ+1 Xerxes.

If you're still awake...

To be continued in May. Sometime...

in ...

The Great Xerxes the Great Sequel!

"W" is For "Wilson"

"Surprise!"

Unless you've been living under a rock, many men have been accused of being the "worst president in American history." Whether Biden, Carter, Obama or...Trump, there is no shortage of candidates.

I disregard these claims for the most part because they are partisan-driven. Besides, not enough time has passed for an accurate...uh...judgement.

The judgement of history will...uh...judge who really is the worst.

Although...

Eff, there must be a synonym for “judgement” and “judge.” I really should buy a thesaurus.

At any rate, a man who must be entered into the conversation for proper judgement (DAMMIT) as the worst has to be Woodrow Wilson.

NOTE: I'm thinking you already gathered that.

"Whew!"

Hey, don't get cocky. I already wrote a "B' post.
Trust me. You suck, too.

Thomas Woodrow Wilson, born December 28, 1856 in Staunton Virginia

Affectionately called "Woodie" in college,
he eschewed the "Thomas" moniker.

and was the 28^th President of the United States who served from 1913 to 1919.

The 1912 election was relatively close and can be compared to the 1992 election. In both, a third nominee split the vote (primarily Conservative) to hand the presidency to the Democrat. In Wilson’s case, he defeated Republican William Howard Taft and Theodore Roosevelt (who, butthurt, ran as the nominee for the "Bull Moose Party"). In 1992, George H.W. Bush’s bid for re-election was squashed by Bill Clinton (and H. Ross Perot).

In any event, Woodie (that is kinda catchy) was the only Democratic president to serve during what’s known as the Progressive Era.

Guess who the first was.
HINT: He carried a big stick.

"Stick? Well, hello, Sailor!"

He was the first Southerner to win the White House since 1848 and, in stereotypical fashion, promoted racial segregation in the federal bureaucracy.

So...racist.

He also opposed women’s suffrage.

So...misogynist.

In 1913, he created the Federal Reserve and, with it, the federal income tax.

So...a “take your money” kind of dude.

Unless you went to a Minnesota Learing Center, you’d know that something pretty significant was going on in Europe at the time. Wilson railed against the international suicide going on over there (rightly) and campaigned on not taking the United States into a foreign war during the run up to the 1916 election (also rightly).

Yeah. No kidding.

Well, he (again narrowly) won that contest and was sworn in early 1917. In April, 1917, he asked for a declaration of war against Germany and the Central Powers.

So, there’s that. Bait and switch, anyone?

"Y'all really bought that 'No New Wars' thing, huh?"

After Germany was defeated in 1918, he took his “Sanctimonious Tour, ‘19” on the road to Versailles. There he presented his Fourteen Points to the Europeans, who really just wanted to punish TF out of the Kaiser.

"Look, I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of Saint Woodie."
"Perhaps we can send him to go get lunch...?"

NOTE: My opinion, you understand, but their harsh treatment of the Germans set the stage for 1939.

One of the Fourteen Points was a League of Nations, which Americans wanted no part of. Wilson strenuously tried to convince Congress and his countrymen of the vital necessity of the League.

To no avail.

In October, 1919, no doubt exacerbated by his efforts, the President suffered a stroke which effectively torpedoed his presidency. From that point, until Republicans won control of the presidency in 1920, his condition was kept quiet. His day-to-day schedule was controlled by his physician and his wife, Edith.

Who was pretty scary-looking, to be honest.

Edith has come under fire for acting as president. But, at least she wasn’t accused of elder abuse like...well, you know who I’m talking about.

Wilson died on February 3, 1924.

Colored people weren’t invited to the funeral.

"V" is For "Vlad the Impaler

NOTE: Okay, like with Kublai Khan, I’m throwing another repeat at you. Although, this is from a few years ago so I very much doubt anyone will remember it. Also, most of the people coming to visit for the A-Z Challenge (thank you) are brand new and haven’t even see this at all. At any rate, I hope you come back when things return to “normal.” There’s nothing better to make you feel good about yourself than reading this nonsense.

So...on with the show.

“V” is For “Vlad the Impaler”

Rockin' that 1470s porn stash

Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia (we Americans will probably never know where that is unless we start a war there),

"As long as they don't develop werewolves."

Just to be safe.
Just south of Transylvania.
Yeah. There really is such a place.

was a member of the House of Dracula (no kidding),

Or House of Pancakes. Sources are unclear.

and is commonly known as Vlad Tepes, or "Vlad the Impaler." This pretty much hacked off Chip Tepes.

"Wait. I thought impaling was my thing."

Born in 1431, Vlad died (or did he?), in 1476 at the age of 45 (go ahead, do the math. I dare you).

His reputation for excessive cruelty inspired Bram Stoker to write the classic novel, Dracula (now you know where he got the name). And Hollywood, being Hollywood, churned out countless vampire movies in which impaling never was really a big player.

"But neck biting. Totally a thing."

Impaling, for those of you who do not know, involves running a pointed stick up through the body. If still alive (I can't imagine anyone would have been, but maybe. Who knows? I never met too many impalees), the human shish-kabobs are stuck in the ground to serve as a warning to others not to mess with Vlad III (who was much fiercer than his father, Vlad II the Floral Arranger).

"Yikes, that's just gotta hurt.
Better not piss myself off. Or Chip."

Be that as it may, Vlad is a national hero in Bulgaria and Romania (I thought we were talking Wallachia? Geez, those people just can't make up their minds). He fought a series of vicious wars against the Ottomans, thus preserving his peoples' freedoms.

Stories that he was a monster began circulating sometime before his death and grew in intensity in the centuries afterward. Many of these tales originated from the Turks (surprise) and the Germans (yeah, as if those people had a lot of room to talk).

I suspect that, while I'm quite sure they had some basis in fact, most of the hysteria was overblown. Much like the stories of Americans tossing thousands of Japanese-Americans into internment camps.

Oh. Wait.

At the very least, the only crime that I can see that Vlad is guilty of is that mustache.

And the hat.

Probably got a free bowl of soup with that hat.

Which is much better than a flagpole shoved up your anus.

More than likely.

"Oh, I don't know."

"U" is For "Urban"

"U" is For Urban"

Okay, I didn’t expect to do so, but I’m going to write a second post about a pope. The first was about Pope Gregory (for the letter “G”).

I would have preferred a little more variety here, but (like “X”), the letter “U” didn’t give me a whole lot of options. I suppose I could have gone with “Caliph Uthman,” but after so many letters, I was getting tired of presenting vague characters of history.

"Not a little hurtful, to be honest."

Anyway....

Pope Urban II, originally known as “Odo of Chatillon” or “Odo de Lagery,” was born in, no surprise, France around the year 1035.

Pope Urban II

Pope Suburban I

Sidebar, your honor? Google is a wonderful thing. When I asked “How many popes have been named Urban?”, I learned that there were eight of them. The last, Urban VIII, died in 1644.

After presenting a dozen French pastries to the College of Cardinals, he became pope and ruler of the Papal States on March 12, 1088, where he remained until his death on July 29, 1095.

It varied, of course, but you get the picture

NOTE: For those who don’t know, the papacy is a lifetime gig. Like the Supreme Court. And lead singer for the Rolling Stones.

As pope, he is known for his conflicts against what was known as the Antipope, Clement III, infighting among various Christian nations who couldn’t agree on whether mead was “Less filling” or “Tasted Great,” and a Turkish incursion into Anatolia.

Also known as "Turkey."
Note: already used "The More You Know," but, once again, you get the picture.

But, what he is best known is his leadership during the Council of Clermont, when he demanded clean rest rooms. And for Christians throughout the world (and by “Christians,” I mean “Catholic”) for a holy crusade to toss the infidel Muslims from the Holy Land.

"That's right, we were saying 'infidel' long before 'infidel' became cool."

If they did this holy service, Urban II promised forgiveness for their sins, fresh underwear,

"AND A BUCKET OF MUD BLESSED BY SAINT PETER HIMSELF!"

Somehow, he was able to convince enough of the devout (imagine if there had been social media back then. People would still be bitching) to head on over to the Middle East

Where killing each other is the national sport.

to wage the first of about seven (or eight-I don’t feel like looking it up) crusades.

I swear the Crusades had more sequels than Rocky movies.

The First Crusade would, by the way, be the most successful one.

Meanwhile, during the Fifth Crusade...
"Okay, let's go kill us some infidels! Who's with me? Fellas? Fellas??"

They even occupied Jerusalem.

Twelve days before Pope Urban II died.

After which he was bathed in a bucket of holy mud.

Remember, this is the Middle Ages we’re talking about.

"T" is For "Truman"

Lissa, on my post about Joan of Arc, made the comment that, finally, it was someone she had heard of. While the whole point of my theme for this year's challenge is to highlight those from history who may not be as well known, I decided to go with someone a little more familiar (than the "S" guy). So, this one's for you, Lissa.

Harry S Truman was the 34^th vice-president of the United States until April 12, 1945 when Franklin Delano Roosevelt died. Then he became the 33^rd president.

"I think it's just gas."
"Motherfu..."

Now, mind you, some vice-presidents turned out to be great presidents.

Some, not so much...

In my opinion, Truman falls in the former category.

Harry Truman was born in Lamar Missouri on May 8, 1884.

FUN FACT: The “S” in Truman’s name is not an abbreviation for anything. Rather, it is an homage to both of his grandfathers. So, it’s not improper to omit the period altogether, something Truman himself did.

Anyway, Truman was selected as FDR’s running mate in 1944 because many of the poohbahs in the Democratic party felt that POTUS would not live for the entire term. The present VP, Wallace, was deemed too extreme so Truman would sit better with the establishment.

So, it's been a concern in the past

Unfortunately, FDR had little over a year in office before he crapped out and Truman was sworn in.

"Winston, new guy. New guy, Winston. New Guy only has letter for middle name.
Is frikkin' crazy or what?"

Of course, the war in Europe was just about over, so that was good for Harry. However, the Japanese remained a formidable foe. After the Allies mapped out a strategy during the Potsdam Conference which declared the final defeat of the Empire the priority

Truman authorized dropping two atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

NOTE: Yes, he kept the existence of nukes a secret. Didn’t you pay attention in school?

People debate whether this was the right call to this day.
Not here, though. Another post for another day.

Japan surrendered, Godzilla was born, and the United States built a few bases.

Truman is known for his bulldog determination and martialing of the Marshall Plan (see what I did there?) and creation of what’s known as the Truman Doctrine, which essentially set the foundation of the forming of NATO.

He won reelection as president in his own right in 1948 over Republican Thomas Dewey.

"Psych!"

"FAKE NEWS!!!"

It was during this term in office that the Korean Conflict started seeing the initial deployment of NATO troops and giving Alan Alda a great idea for a TV series.

It was during this “police action” that Truman fired noted narcissist and loudmouth, General Douglas MacArthur, thus reinforcing the concept of civilian control over the military.

"Old soldiers never die. They also never shut their pieholes."

In the 1952 election, Harry Truman returned to Missouri with his wife Bess (who he married June 28, 1919, after serving on active duty with the Army).