'Q' is for 'Quisling'

 

        quisling /kwĭz′lĭng/

1.   A traitor who serves as the puppet of the enemy occupying his or her country.

2.   A traitor who collaborates with the enemy.

3.   Someone who collaborates with an enemy occupying force.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition • More at Wordnik

 

    Basically, a traitor.  On that, I think we can all agree.  But, from where did this word originate, you may ask.  Never fear, I say (well, “write.”  You get the picture.).  The A-Z Challenge has provided me the perfect word for ‘Q’ and I will provide much more information than you would normally prefer.

       So here we go…

       “Quisling” was a term used in the Scandinavian and English languages to describe a citizen or politician who collaborates with an enemy occupying force.  Wait.  The definition above already said that.

     Sorry.

     Vidkun Quisling (1887-1945) was a Norwegian politician who headed up a domestic Nazi organization during the lead up to, and into, World War II.  It was called the "We 💓Nazis" Party.

    Take that, definition.

"Whew!  Sure bet on the wrong horse, didn't I?"

     The term “Quisling” was first used by the Norwegian Labour Party head, Oscar Torp (who I presume was a good guy) in a January 2, 1933 newspaper interview to describe Vidkun and his followers.

"I torpEDOED him.  Get it?"

     As the Germans rampaged through Europe, Quisling led an unsuccessful coup in 1940 in an attempt to seize power and force Norway to halt its resistance to the invading Germans.  Of course, the Wehrmacht ended up occupying Norway anyway in May, 1940.  Quisling just wished they would have just laid down and play dead.  You know, instead of actually being dead.

     Even though his coup failed, Quisling played a role as a crucial stooge for the Nazis until Norway was liberated in 1945.  Adolph Hitler treasured the relationship he had with Quisling, especially cherishing the gift of salted herring and brownshirt Hummel figurines Vidkun had sent him.

"Und der 'Norwegians Have Boners For Adolph' tee shirts?  Wunderbar!"

    As the end approached for the Third Reich, the German Army found itself pushed back to Berlin and eventual surrender.  As part of that continued effort, Norway was liberated in May, 1945.

    Quisling then turned himself in to Allied Forces.  He was tried for his crimes and found guilty.  Sentenced to death, he was executed by firing squad on October 24, 1945.

"Turning myself in.  Probably wasn't a smart move."

    The term “Quisling” became synonymous with “Benedict Arnold” in the cultural zeitgeist (NOTE: “zeitgeist” is a German word.  Pretty ironic that.) and was used in the movies, a Peanuts comic strip, and even a Porky Pig cartoon.

I think the turkey called Daffy Duck a 'quisling.'
Maybe.  Could be.  I don't know.  Hey, it was in 1944.

     You don’t hear it so much nowadays, though, as people prefer to use the term “traitor” much more often.  Still “quisling” once held sway to describe a filthy piece of filth.

     Today, we just call them "Hamas."

 

   

 

   

  

'P' is for 'Passover"

WARNING: The following could be considered wildly irreverent.  Could be?  Please accept my apologies in advance.  I just hope that Hell has visiting hours so you can come see me.

 

     As a test of how much I learned in school, I’m not going to consult Google, the entrails of an owl, or Mr. Fineman from across the street. 

     I’m also too lazy to open a book.

     Since it's Good Friday (as opposed to Holy Thursday, Okay Wednesday, So-So Tuesday, Crappy Monday), a good lot of you are preparing for Easter, which is observed the...let me see if I have this straight... the first Sunday after the full moon which occurs after the spring equinox (or whenever the calendar says).

  It's a big deal to Christians.  Bigger than Canadian Thanksgiving, if you can believe it.

     But did you know (okay most do), that Jesus was a rabbi?  That He, along with His followers, was in Jerusalem to celebrate Passover, one of the most sacred days of the Jewish calendar? No, he wasn't Catholic, despite what Sister Mary Gregory of the Titanium Yardstick tried to beat into you.

"What?  No ham sandwiches?  I was told there'd be ham sandwiches."

     What some of my fellow refugees from the Penguin Academy may not know, the 'Last Supper' was, in fact a Passover Seder.

     Despite what Cecil B. De Mille would have you believe, The Ten Commandments, while playing on ABC annually for many years on Easter Night (God knows-no pun intended-when it's on now) is not an Easter movie.

     King of Kings?  Yeah.  The Robe?  Okay.  Ben-Hur?  Sure.  Ben Gay?  Now you're being silly.

     But, The Ten Commandments?  Oy.     

     Passover is a Jewish (I think we've already covered that) celebration which commemorates the exodus (so THAT explains the book) of the Hebrews from Egypt, way back when Keith Richards and Joe Biden were teenagers.

     They were led by Charlton Heston, who if he’d only kept his trap shut, could have eventually become Pharaoh (or at least Vice-Pharaoh) and freed the Hebrew slaves.  Along the way, he could also have bagged the hot Nefertiri (not to be confused with ‘Nefertiti.’  Who was in The Mummy.  But, she was hot, too).  Then, Ramses (aka Yul Brynner), inventor of the prophylactic, wouldn’t have donned the royal loincloth and bedded Anne Baxter.

One of my favorite pictures. 
Yeah, this isn't photoshopped.

 

    But, noooooo, Moses just had to schlep out into the desert, raise some sheep, marry Lily Munster, open the Midian chapter of the NRA, and meet God (who did not look like George Burns).

     Moses, heeding a divine call, decided to return to Egypt.  Imagine Ramses’ chagrin when the “Big Mo” barged in, waved his stick around (double entendre intended), and ordered his BFF, Aaron, to turn goats into chickens.  Or grass stains into dazzling whites.

"Just had to interrupt the meeting of the Pyramid Planning Commission, didn't you?"

     Moses warned that a series of plagues would be visited on Egypt: frogs, locusts, boils (eww), bloody water, the Pelosi Pox, irritable bowel syndrome (double eww),  etc.  Each were meant to convince Yul Pharaoh to “let the people go.”

 

The "Plague of Kathy Griffin" was considered too much. 
Even for the Egyptians.

     They were actually starting to work, too, until Ramses looked at the latest Gallup poll numbers.  Figuring he had to satisfy his “pro-slavery” base, his heart was hardened and he called the whole deal off.

     Well, Moses eventually had enough of this crap.  He told Ramses that the first-born of Egypt would be slain in punishment for enslaving his people.  This included (cue dramatic music) the Pharaoh’s own son!

     The Hebrews, feeling pretty damned cocky, painted goat (or sheep?) blood over their doors.  They felt quite safe that death would “pass” them “over.”  (Get it now?).  Mostly because Death got wicked skeeved at the sight of blood.

     So, they hung out while the “Destroyer” (depicted by a red cloud.  Special effects were kinda cheesy back then.  After all, "Industrial Light and Magic" hadn't been invented yet) went from door to door seeking out Egyptians who won a lottery they hadn't reckoned on. 

     The Hebrews sang songs, prayed prayers, played “Old Testament Yahtzee”, and ate unleavened bread called "matzah" (because Dominos stopped delivering at 10).

I swear, all that singing and chanting made me root for the Egyptians.

     When the day dawned and Ramses saw the mess (“Now, we’ll never get that blood out!”), he ordered Moses to pack up his shit and get the hell out.

     NOTE:  Ramses may not have said ‘shit.’

     So, Moses convinced everybody to pack their toothbrushes and a change of underwear (“So, where is it we’re going, Mr. Fancy Pants Big Shot?”).  He wasn’t exactly sure where, though.  Because, unfortunately, Aaron had turned his map into an origami whooping crane.

     Bottom line, the Hebrews finally left Egypt.  Along the way, the Egyptian Army went for a one-way dip in the Red Sea, Edward G. Robinson talked a lot of smack, Aaron was forced to make some seriously effed-up looking golden calf, they all got jiggy with their bad selves at the base of Mount Sinai, Moses saw a wicked cool light show on the mountain, and had bread fall out of the sky for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

"So, you think maybe we could get a nice brisket, instead?"

     They were finally allowed to enter the Promised Land after 40 years (the prior tenants had a long-term lease).

     Since I’m sure I've put you to sleep by now, let me finish by saying that Moses wasn’t even allowed to enter with the rest of his people (he didn’t get his wrist stamped). 

     He had to watch while John Derek Joshua led his people into...Canaan?  At any rate, someplace the Iranians would get all hacked off about eventually.

     I think it had something to do with smacking a rock to get water.  Which was a mistake, apparently.

"After all that. too.  What a screw job."

    

     Because, as we all know, paper, not water, covers rock.

     Now, since I'm probably in hot water with Christians, Jews, and Muslims, I'd better start packing for Purgatory.

     I'm sure I'll be spending a lot of time there.

     At least that's what Sister Mary Gregory said.

"Right you are, cheeky boyo."*

*Yes, I know I used the same picture twice in one post.  Sue me.

'O' is for 'Owen Tudor'

 

    You know, one of the best things about the theme I’ve chosen for the A-Z Challenge?  I've learned a thing or two along the way.  Oh sure, some things I already knew (e.g., timing of Easter), but there are obscure pieces of history which I do not.

    So it is with my selection for the letter ‘O.’

    Owen Tudor (1400-1461), 

Tudor Owen
No relation

aka Owain ap Maredudd ap Tudor),

"Holy crap, let's just go with 'Owen.'"

was a Welsh courtier who was a member of the household staff of Catherine of Valois, Queen of England, wife of King Henry V, mother of Henry VI, and renowned juggler.

"Wasn't the only staff the queen was jiggy for."

    Well, when Henry V died (I didn’t feel like looking up why-hey, just because it’s fun to learn some things doesn’t mean I want to do a lot of research), Catherine didn’t want to while away the rest of her life doing nothing but juggle and bemoan the fact that cable TV wouldn’t be invented for centuries.

I mean, she looked pretty hot.

    Since she needed permission from Parliament or the king (Henry VI) to remarry, she just ran away with Owen to tie the knot.

    Unfortunately, they couldn’t hide their secret forever (I mean, they had five kids, after all, and that whole Immaculate Conception thing was so first century).  Thus found out, she was sent to a nunnery where she died prematurely of bad vibes on January 3, 1437, shortly after childbirth.  She was buried in the “Old Lady Section” of Westminster Abbey.

    Apparently, there is such a place.  Next to the "Cranky Old Men Who Yell at Squirrels" section.

    Owen, on the other hand, didn’t seem to suffer any ill effects from banging the former queen (if you think it was a man’s world, you ain’t seen nothing yet).

For instance, Henry VIII would eventually have no problem
wielding the "Royal Power of Boners" to great effect. 

    He supported Henry VI during the War of the Roses, a dynastic dispute between the Houses of Lancaster and York.  

Apparently, George R. R. Martin would be inspired by this conflict when writing Game of Thrones.  There were no dragons in England, though. 
As far as we know.

    During this civil war, he was captured and beheaded by Yorkist forces in 1461 (you may have gathered that by the above).

"Beheading.  Big fan.  Infidel."

    Even though the Yorks took his head, the Lancaster House won the war 

The losers did receive a consolation prize, though.

and the son of Owen and Catherine, ascended the throne as Henry VII.  Thus establishing the Tudor Dynasty, which would rule England until 1603.

    The last Tudor monarch?  Elizabeth, the Virgin Queen.

Wrong Elizabeth

"She was no virgin, I must say."

This one.
Incidentally, no wonder this Kabuki Nightmare was a virgin.

    From whom Virginia derives its name.

    See?  You can learn a thing or two here.

'N' is for 'Nineveh'

 

    One of my favorite movies, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, was released in 1975.  Towards the end of the film, King Arthur and his knights found themselves at the Bridge of Death.  There, the Bridgekeeper demanded they answer three questions before they could cross.

Yes, this is Sir Lancelot. 
He answered the questions successfully.
Congratulations, nerd like me.

 

NOTE:  Since you didn’t ask, my others are Young Frankenstein and Caddyshack.  

   One, Sir Robin, became wildly optimistic when the man before him (Sir Lancelot, I believe) had easy questions.

HINT:  Didn't turn out well

    However, the bridgekeeper asked Robin, “What is the capital of Assyria?”

    The cocksure knight didn’t know and, thus, was flung into the Gorge of Death (from which the bridge got its name, I suppose.  Unless it was a crazy coincidence).

    Told ya.

    Nerd that I am, I knew the answer.  However, most of you probably don’t.  You also probably dated girls.  Or boys.  I won’t judge.

    Well-and who said you can never learn anything at Penwasser Place?-the capital of Assyria was Nineveh (you may have already gathered that).

    Some of you may correct me (which, trust me, I’d be thrilled you’re even reading this) and say “No, it’s actually Assur.”  Yes, you would be correct to a point.  Assur was the capital.  Then, it became Nineveh, Poindexter.

I mean, come on, can you blame them?
 Look at it!

    Have capital cities changed?  Yes, of course.  Ravenna became the capital of Rome (some may argue for Constantinople, but those would be the uppity Byzantine Freaks), Brasilia became the capital of Brazil, and Washington D.C. became capital of the US.

Wrong DC

    There are certainly more examples, but you get my point.

    Nineveh, located near the Iraqi city of Mosul, was founded as an early settlement in the 7^th Millenium BC (“BCE” to you politically-correct ninnies), but didn’t really become a major religious/political center until 3,000 BC.

Once they got cable

    It wasn’t until the 7^th century BC, though, when the “Assur Sucks” faction of Assyrian government bribed King Sennacherib, assisted by Viceroy Ashuraramatrump of the MNGA* Party into making it the capital.

    Things went well for the Assyrians in the ensuing years.  They reinforced their reputation of Badasses of Mesopotamia by including beheading, impaling, and Indian Burns into their repertoire.

"Don't forget hurtful sarcasm."

    However, once they staring giving titty-twisters when subject peoples didn’t fork over tribute, said subject peoples, the Babylonians, Medes, and Scythians, rebelled in 612 BC.  

Including the proto-Shriner Cavalry

    Nineveh, thus, fell into disrepair, especially once the Central Bank of Ur foreclosed and the water from the Tigris was turned off.  Never again would the Assyrians be a major player in the world.

    But, don’t worry, there would be plenty of batshit crazy people to take their place.

 

"Effin' A.  Infidel."

        Incidentally, the other questions were, “What is your quest?” and “What is your favorite color?”

Also, "What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

    You’ll have to watch the movie yourself to find out the answers, though.

    I’ve gotta convince my wife to have sex.
    

    Have to make up for lost time, you know.  

  

*Make Nineveh Great Again
 

'M' is for 'Mamluks'

 

    Mamluks or "Mamaluks" 

But not marmalade

were non-Arab (mostly Turkic, Caucasian, MAGA, Eastern/Southeastern European) enslaved mercenaries, slave-soldiers, or freed slaves who served Arab/Ottoman dynasties during the late Middle Ages.

"Wait, I'm free?  You mean I don't actually have to do this?"

Mamluks began their military service as boys

They were a lot like the Unsullied from Game of Thrones. 
Only with genitals.

and continued to do so until someone said, “Holy crap, he’s starting to look a lot like James Carville!”  

At which time they were allowed to retire. 
Which is only humane.

    While, as a group, they were far-ranging, for this post we’re going to concentrate on those Mamluks who served the Egyptian Sultan. 

    The Mamluk Empire of the Egyptian Sultan (please keep up) controlled Egypt (again), the Levant (basically the Eastern Mediterranean, which included Israel, Jordan, Lebanon, Syria, and everyone else who wanted to kill everyone else), and the Hejaz (region of Saudi Arabia) from the mid-13th to early 16th centuries. It was ruled by mamluks under the leadership of a sultan.

Probably not this kind of sultan. 
But, if it helps, by all means, picture this. 
You'd be wrong, though.

Known in modern times as "Batshit Crazyville."

    Meanwhile, while the Mamluks were trying to decide who to behead next, the Mongol Empire, under control of the Mongols (which, I think, goes without saying) was expanding from Asia into Europe and Africa (for those who went to public school:  Egypt is in Africa).

The Mongols were a pretty badass people who were the inspiration for the Dothraki of Game of Thrones (yet another GOT reference).

Or was that the Huns? 
I seriously can't keep my horseback marauders straight. 

    Anyway, shortly after the death of Mongke, the Great Khan, a small Mongol army was defeated by the Egyptian Mamluks in 1290 at Ain Jalut.  This punctured the perception of Mongol invincibility. 

"That's what I get for dying. 
Effin' Mongols."

    Thus chastened, the Mongols headed off to France because word on the street was that the French were pushovers.*

    Thrilled at their success, the Mamluks threw a lavish party where reportedly some goats were violated.

"EVERY GOAT FOR HIMSELF! THEY'RE HAVING A PARTY!!"

    The Mamluks.  If it wasn’t for them, the face of the entire Middle East would be unrecognizable. 

For instance, just try getting a decent Mongolian Barbecue in Cairo.

 *Yeah, if you think this ridiculous bit of ridiculousness is true, you seriously need to turn in your high diploma.

Still, the French...