"R" is For "Robespierre"

 

"R" is For "Robespierre"

    Maximilien Francois Marie Isidore de Robespierre (holy crap! Imagine that birthday cake) was born on May 6, 1758 as a baby and died a little shorter on July 28, 1794, when he ticked off the wrong people.

    NOTE:  We’ll get to that.

"Five names, though.  How do you like them apples, bitches?"

    Robespierre was a French lawyer, statesman, and one of the most influential figures of the French Revolution, an internal spasm which began in 1789 and would last until 1799.

    Quite a few of the beliefs he held sound pretty reasonable to me:  he believed in voting rights of all men (sorry, ladies, I would have argued for you) and their unimpeded admission to the National Guard.

Or crossing guard

    Further, he advocated for the right to petition, the right to bear arms in self-defense, the abolition of the Atlantic Slave Trade, and that a nice dinner wine be served at every meal.  Well, he was French, you know.

His advocacy for the right to arm bears was deemed dangerous. 
And silly.

    A radical Jacobin, he was elected Deputy to the National Convention in September, 1793.  The following year, he was appointed member of the Committee of Public Safety.

    While there, he argued for measures which collectively became known as the Reign of Terror.

    We pause for a brief moment to discuss what the Reign of Terror was:  shortly after formation of the First Republic (there would be more, mainly because they couldn’t make up their minds), a series of massacres and public executions.  This was in responsive to Federalist revolts, anticlerical sentiments, 

"Anticlerical.  Does that mean what I think it d...uh,oh."

and accusations of treason by the Committee of Public Safety.

Believe it or not, this method of execution was considered merciful. 
If gruesome.

    It lasted from September 5, 1793 until July 27, 1794.

    HINT:  We’ll see that date again.

    As Robespierre guided the terror effort, some of the others on the Committee of Public Safety began to get nervous.  They started to wonder if they would be next to fall under the blade of Robespierre’s guillotine.  I mean, if nothing else, what would they do with their hats?

    So, following a speech on the 26^th of July, Robespierre was arrested on 9 Thermidor (must have been one sucky speech).  The following day, he along with 90 others, was executed without trial.

"It's like those French have a different word for everything!"

    The following day he, along with 90 others (who, apparently drew the short straw), was executed without a trial.

"Shave and a haircut, two bits.  What?  Not funny? 
No wonder we're cutting your head off, Monsieur No Sense of Humor."

    Even though the Reign of Terror was over (see? I told you you'd see that date again), troubles for France wouldn’t be over for quite some time.  In addition to Napoleon,

Starring Joaquin Phoenix

 they had to perfect the art of surrender.

And watch Jerry Lewis movies 

 

 

   

"Q" is For "Quantrill"

 

"Q" is For "Quantrill"

    When researching my subject for the letter “Q,” I was in a bit of a quandary (itself a ‘q’ word).  There’s not a whole bunch of people who fit the bill.  I could have chosen the late Libyan president, Muammar al-Qaddafi, I suppose, but most spellings of his name use a “G.”

Although it would have been great fun
mocking his predilection of wearing drapes

    I didn’t want to confuse everyone or have people think I was cheating just because the Encyclopedia Brittanica used “Q.”

    NOTE:  The British are notorious for their wacky way of spelling things.  I mean, who actually writes cheques?

"I suppose you colonials spell it with a...sniff...'k'?"

"Well...yeah."

"Right.  Off you go."

    “Quisling” might have worked.  But I wrote about him only last year.  I didn’t want to inflict a rerun on you so soon.  Heck, someone actually may have read that post and actually may have remembered it.  Doubtful though that may be.

    But, I finally found someone who fit the “Q” requirement: “William Quantrill.”  Although, I would be hard-pressed to find anything funny about him because his exploits are hardly the stuff of chortles, chuckles, or guffaws.

Much less titters

    Hey, I'll go for the cheap laugh when I can get it.

    William Quantrill was a notorious Southern guerrilla fighter before and during the American Civil War.

With a face that only a mother could love

Not you, though.

  NOTE:  For my non-American followers (I’m talking to you, Birgit), the Civil War may not be well-known.  Suffice to say, this tragedy which drew its origins to whether states rights trumps (no pun intended) the federal government or not.  Since one of those included the right to own human beings, I would say the South certainly didn't hold the moral high ground.

    William Quantrill was born on July 31, 1832 in Canal Dover, Ohio.  At least in his early years, he was against slavery.  However, he soon lost his mind and believed slavery was perfectly fine.  In fact, he thought hanging abolitionist John Brown for leading a raid against the Federal weapons depot at Harpers Ferry, Virginia, was “too good for him.”

"He said what!?"

    He became quite radicalized and formed a group of likeminded brutes which he called “Quantrill’s Raiders.”  This group of murderous thugs specialized in savage tactics and included the likes of Jesse James and his older brother, Frank.

Yeah, that Jesse James

    They terrorized regions of Missouri and Kansas by dropping houses on people.

No. Wait. Wrong story.

    Well, anyway, it was bad.

    In 1862, Quantrill was designated a captain in the Confederate Army.

After receiving a Rebel Decoder Ring in the mail

    The most notorious chapter in the brutal history of “Quantrill’s Raiders” occurred on August 21, 1863 when 150 men and boys were murdered during the “Lawrence Massacre.”

No joke here.  Massacre.  Move along.

    The Civil War began to peter out in 1865 when Robert E. Lee surrendered the Army of Northern Virginia to Ulysses Grant on April 9th and Joseph E. Johnston surrendered much of the rest of rebel forces to William Sherman on April 26th.

    However, Quantrill refused to give up and wasn’t vanquished until he was ambushed by Union forces in Wakefield, Kentucky, on May 10th.  Attempting to flee on a skittish horse, he was shot in the back and paralyzed from the chest down.

"The captain wants you.  I told him it wasn't a good idea."

    William Quantrill died of his wounds on June 6^th.    

     At first buried in an unmarked grave, his remains were disinterred; his final burial spot was in 1992 at the Old Confederate Veteran’s Home Cemetery in Higginsville, Missouri.

    Given the terror he inflicted on so many people, I’m sure John Brown would have concluded that it was “too good for him.”

"You got that right."

"P" is For "Princip"

"P" is For "Princip"

    World War One (known as the Great War at the time) began on July 28, 1914 and lasted until November 11, 1918, when the Allies forced Germany to accept a harsh peace that practically guaranteed a sequel.

    NOTE:  As part of the Treaty of Versailles, Germany was slapped with war guilt, even though there was plenty of blame to go around.  In my opinion, Russia played a big hand in starting the whole shebang.  Then they went all Soviet and pulled out of the war.  Jerks.

    Once again in my opinion (I have a bunch), WWI was a monstrous dick-measuring contest between, at least initially, European powers.  It went basically like this:

    Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia.

    Russia, Serbia’s ally, declared war on Austria-Hungary.

    Germany, Austria-Hungary’s ally, declared war on Russia and Serbia.

    France, Russia’s ally, declared war on Germany and Austria-Hungary.

    Germany declared war on France.

"Vat can I say?  I vas cranky ven I sit on der helmet."

    To get to France, Germany took a detour through the Netherlands.

    Great Britain, no doubt saying “oh, bloody 'ell,” declared war on Germany because they were sworn to protect the Netherlands.  And they were allies with France.

"Oh, bloody 'ell."

    Told ya.

    The United States didn’t get into it until 1917 when Woodrow Wilson, that sanctimonious prick, talked Congress into declaring war on Germany.

    Of course, there were other countries involved (Australia, Bulgaria, Italy, and so on), but that’s pretty much it in a nutshell.  It was a stupid, stupid war which killed millions and set the stage for World War II.  Where millions more were killed.

And totally pissed off this crazy bastard

    NOTE:  The above is what I remember from school.  I didn’t feel like actually researching.

    What sparked this monstrosity, you might be asking?  Well, the catalyst was the assassination of the heir to the Austria-Hungary Empire, Franz Ferdinand, and his wife, Sophie, when they made a state visit to Sarajevo.

"You're not gonna wear that, are you? 
Wear the outfit with the feathers.  It's super fancy."

    The assassin?  Gavrilo Princip. 

"Well, it took you long enough to get to the point!"

    Princip, was a Bosnian Serb nationalist born on July 25, 1894.  When he was 13, he was sent to Sarajevo in Austrian-occupied Bosnia.  While there, and in experiences throughout the region, he developed a loathing for the Austrian government’s oppression of his people.

    Eventually joining a terrorist group known as the Black Hand, 

After initially confusing them with the Blackfeet

he convinced other like-minded individuals to assist him in the assassination of the heir presumptive to the Habsburg Empire.

"So, we're all agreed, Austria sucks, right?"
"Especially their waltzes."
"And to prove we mean business...I mean, look at our hats!"

    Even though the actual deed was a comedy of errors, Princip did eventually manage to shoot and kill Franz Ferdinand and Mrs. Ferdinand as they toured the streets in their open automobile on June 28, 1914.

"Dammit!  I'll never get the blood out now!"

    Open automobile.  PFFFFTTTT!  You'd never catch anyone doing that again!

Too soon?

    Austria, understandably, got all wicked butthurt, especially since their present emperor, Franz Joseph, now couldn't retire.

"I mean, ffs, I'm 84!  Who do I look like, Joe Biden?"

    Therefore, they demanded of Serbia certain conditions, of which it had no chance of meeting (including that Serbia got the blood out of the feathers.  YOU try that and let me know how it goes).

    Serbia, stymied by that blood thing, turned to its big brother Czar Nicholas (who would have his own problems in a few years).

    A month after the archduke went to his maker, the Great War kicked off and millions more went to their maker.

    Princip was arrested and sentenced to twenty years in prison for his foul deed.

"Good thing he wasn't in Texas."

     Unfortunately (for him, not me, I don’t care), living conditions in the prison were dreadful, resulting in the loss of his right arm (I don’t know what the connection is) and his death of tuberculosis on April 28, 1918.

    Kind of a relatively peaceful end for the little Serbian who sparked the most idiotic, unnecessary war in world history. 

And couldn't grow a decent mustache

     

"O" is For "Odoacer"

 

"O" is For "Odoacer"   

   Odoacer, also known as Odovacer, Odovacar, or Odo Dog (to his friends) was born around AD 433 (CE to you politically correct ninnies) and died on March 15, 493 when he...well, we’ll get to that.

    An officer in the Roman Army, he was a barbarian from the Middle Danube, home of beheading, flaying, and pillage.  All to the tune of waltzes.

"Look, I may be a barbarian, but I know a dump when I see one. 
No wonder you people fell."

    Fun Fact: Despite the perception that they were akin to something like the GEICO caveman, “barbarians,” at the time, were considered to be merely those who were not Roman or Greek.

"Not a little hurtful, to be honest."

    Odoacer became King of Italy when he deposed Romulus Augustulus, a teenager who was the last emperor of the Western Roman Empire, in 476.

"No, seriously.  Put on the crown, sit in this chair...what's the worst that could happen? And stop trying to hide the fact you aren't wearing skivvies"

    At Ravenna, not Rome.  Ravenna, in the north of Italy had been the de facto capital of the Western Empire for a very long time because it was deemed more defensible.  And harder to spell.

    Rome itself was fast becoming Dark Ages Disney for tourists.

And barbarian invasions

    Another Fun Fact (gee, I’m full of them):  His name meant “Little Augustus.”  The first Roman Emperor was “Augustus.”

"Yeah, I was pretty badass.  And I shaved."

    Odoacer felt sorry for the kid, so instead of murdering him, gave him a pension of 6,000 soldi (about $2,000.  Or whatever.  Let’s put it this way, a lot back then), some candy, and then sent him to live with relatives in Campania.

Known for seaside vistas, bucolic lifestyle, and hookers.

     Even though he was King of Italy, Odoacer considered himself a client of the Eastern Roman Emperor, Zeno.  Basically, seeing him as the only game in town, Zeno conferred upon Odoacer the title of “dux italiae” (or “Italian Duke.”  Maybe.  I don’t know.  It’s all Greek to me).

 Emperor Zeno. 
Greek for "Effed-Up Chin." 
You'll see him again.
"Z" is coming up, don'tcha know.

   Although you would think that his reign was peaceful, nothing could be farther from the truth.  Not only did he have to battle this barbarian horde or that barbarian horde, Odoacer regularly had to contend with the Senate, headed by Mitchimus McConellus (believe it or not, those clowns were still around, despite taking a lot of vacations to Italian beaches).  They, apparently, considered themselves relevant.

    Well, if that doesn’t sound familiar.

    One barbarian leader, Theodoric of the Ostrogoths, led an invading army into the peninsula (there were also tribes such as the Vandals and Visigoths wreaking havoc.).

To say nothing of the Ravenna High School
chapter of "Goths For a Free Palestine."

    Hoping to score a good meal, Odoacer agreed to meet Theodoric over dinner on March 15, 493.  Enraged by his using the wrong fork, Theodoric drew his sword and struck Odoacer in the collarbone, thus killing him.

And you thought this was bad. 
Okay, well, it was, too.

    The King of Italy thus went to his grave regretting that he didn't know common dinner etiquette.

"Well, that's what you get for using a salad fork to eat chicken. 
Barbarian."

"N" is For "Nelson"

 

"N" is For "Nelson"

Wrong Nelson

That's better

    Once upon a time, Brittania ruled the waves.  Not so much now,  But, a couple hundred years ago?  Most definitely.

    One of the most revered heroes of the Royal Navy in the later years of the 18^th century until the early years of the 19^th century was Admiral Horatio Nelson, 1^st Viscount Nelson, and 1^st Duke of Bronte.

    NOTE:  I’m not sure what exactly all that meant.  Trust me, he was a big wig.

    Born on September 29, 1758 in Norfolk, England, Nelson distinguished himself via series of stunning victories until he was (SPOILER ALERT) killed by a French marksman during the Battle of Trafalgar on October 21, 1805.

    His many honors and achievements included winning the Order of the Bath, Order of the Shower, Ottoman Order of the Crescent, Love Seat Order of the Crescent Roll, and Order in the Court. 

    What’s more, he was a lifelong member of the Pirates of the Caribbean Fan Club

And Quiznos Sandwich Fanatics

    Nelson’s career at sea began at a young age, when he was sponsored by some big wig (I can’t remember the name, but I don’t feel like looking it up) to serve aboard one of His Majesty’s warships as a Midshipman.

    He earned his first command at the young age of only 20 in 1778.

    NOTE:  For those who didn’t go to a Minnesota Learing Center, you would know that would be during the American Revolution.

    After cessation of hostilities in the former colonies (which we won)  

"Ahem."

(Okay...sigh...with French help), the Royal Navy shrunk considerably.  As was common during those days, Nelson found himself out of work.

    To make ends meet, he sold kidney pies (using real kidneys from mental patients) and making balloon animals outside Westminster Abbey.

    However, once France started causing trouble, Nelson found himself back onboard the heaving deck of a warship.  His duties took him to the Mediterranean where he saw action against the French.

Using their diabolical tactic of Mime Warfare

    He won battle after battle, most notably at the Battle of the Nile in 1798 (where Napoleon tried to steal the Sphinx).  Following that, he oversaw the protection for the Kingdom of Naples against a French invasion and theft of its pizza recipe.

    Unfortunately, he lost both the battle and his right arm at the Battle of Santa Cruz de Tenerife.  This proved to be a major setback for England and especially for Nelson, since he used his right hand to wipe.

    What Horatio Nelson is most noted for was the smashing British victory while he was embarked aboard HMS Victory against a combined Franco-Spanish fleet at the Battle of Trafalgar on October 21, 1805.

Not to be confused with...

    NOTE:  If you read the beginning, you’d know that was an ominous date.

   Prior to joining what would be a fierce fight against the enemy, Nelson inspired his sailors with the stirring, "Watch out for cannonballs" “England expects everyone man to do his duty.”

    More unfortunate than what he lost at Tenerife, Nelson lost his life when a French marksman picked him off with a well-placed musket shot.

Or a cannon loaded with grapeshot and stale baguettes. 
Sources are unclear.

    Still, the English achieved a decisive victory at Trafalgar which paved the way for the eventual defeat of Napoleon at Waterloo.  Where the French began their long tradition of surrendering.

    Nelson, on the other [left] hand became the stuff of legend as the Sailor’s Sailor.

    Who didn’t need to worry about doing his duty anymore.   

 

"Spare a square?  Arm's gone."