WARNING: The following contains some truths, half-truths, and outlandish points of conjecture. Students are therefore urged to not quote any of the below for scholarly research. Unless you do not live in the United States. Then, who cares? Like anyone is gonna know the difference.
This is also kinda long.
Until fairly recently, there was no such thing as “Presidents” Day. Rather, we celebrated “Lincoln’s Birthday” on February 12th and “Washington’s Birthday” on February 22nd. What’s more, these days were one shot deals, instead of the three day weekends we now observe.
NOTE: I just checked..."fairly recently" goes back to the 70s. Geez-a-lou.
I remember feeling gypped whenever they
fell on the weekend. So, we were all
gladdened when the feds decided to ignore history and insisted that George and
Abe were born on Mondays. Screw ‘em, I
guess they figured. They’re dead anyway.
Like I said, though, we now have Presidents
Day instead of two separate holidays.
Created to make room for the Martin Luther King, Jr. Birthday holiday
(no sense giving mailmen too many
days off), Presidents Day was meant to commemorate both our 1st and our 16th
presidents. And sales on cars, sheets,
and living room furniture."What!? Son of a...!"
So as not to offend either the Washington
or Lincoln camps (boy, don’t get those two together in the same room!),
Presidents Day was set in the middle of their birthdays. Or the third Monday in February. Or whichever made for the better three-day
weekend.
Like Thanksgiving, this made it pretty easy
to plan for, as a quick inspection of a calendar would quickly identify when it
was. This is in stark contrast to
Easter. Besides knowing that it’s on a
Sunday, I have no idea from year to year when it will happen. Something to do with the lunar cycle and
first day of spring. During leap year. When the moon is in its seventh house. And the Pope consults his Magic 8-Ball."So, now I gotta share my holiday with that 'Father of Our Country' effin' showoff? That sucks, dude."
"Or when Jupiter aligns with Mars."
Oh. That's pretty simple then.
As time wore on, Presidents Day transformed
into a day to celebrate all of our nation’s chief executives.
As Presidents Day caught on, my family tried to come up with a dignified way to recognize the men who guided our nation’s ship of state.
Even the sucky ones.
"I feel attacked." |
"Kiss me, I'm Irish. And a little nauseous."
We finally decided on a “Dress as Your
Favorite President Day.” That way, we could honor the leaders of our
country. And, even though my powdered
wig and breeches drew a lot of stares at Home Depot, I felt it was the noble
thing to do.
To avoid possible litigation, we then decided to pick a president who was not so well-known. I mean, how likely would it be that a descendant of Martin Van Buren would call us before Judge Judy for saying their great-great-great-great-grandfather’s head looked like a beachball with feathers? Not terribly likely.
It really did, though.
"Not gonna lie, more than a little hurtful."
To be sure, there are plenty of obscure stiffs
from which to choose, guys who could be genuine stumpers in Trivial
Pursuit. In fact, were it not for their
bosses catching cold at inauguration, having one heck of a tummyache, being assassinated,
dropping dead from a stroke, or resigning, we probably would never have heard
of Tyler, Fillmore, Andrew Johnson, Coolidge, or Ford.
Bad enough we had Jimmy Carter.
New for 2024! Joe Biden!
"And, by 'worst,' I mean 'best!" |
"Is it time for Dr. Jill to tuck me in?"
Hoping to stand out with my unknown
president, I chose a man who was legendary in the Republican Party. A man who put the needs of his fellow
citizens before his own. A man whose
hard work paid off handsomely. A man who
had the fortune of being Vice-President when James Garfield was assassinated in
1881: Chester Alan Arthur, 21st
President of the United States.
Known primarily for his facial hair and
uncanny ability to remain innocuous, Arthur had the fortune of being Chief
Executive during the Gunfight at the OK Corral when Kurt Russell, starring as
Wyatt Earp, defeated the Clanton gang with the help of his brothers, Doc
Holliday, and a killer moustache.
Arthur became president the year Alexander
Graham Bell perfected the first metal detector.
This was a step up for the beleaguered Bell who previously invented the
machine used to try to locate the bullet lodged in Garfield’s (the president,
not the cat) body."Suck on this facial hair, Martin!
Oh, wait. Let me rephrase that."
"Yes, hi. I'd like to speak with you about your car warranty."
President Arthur was especially opposed to
the Spoils System. This was even after
he was informed by his cabinet that it had nothing to do with milk being left
out overnight.
A champion of Civil Service reform, because
he wanted to avoid “another Civil War” at all costs, Arthur is regarded as the
“Father of the Civil Service and the Union-Mandated Ten Minute Coffee Break.”
Not content with remaining somnambulant on
the domestic front, he furthered his nation’s outreach when the United States
established formal diplomatic relations with Korea (thus discovering Ping Pong),
organized the Alaskan territory (it was a mess), and continued the process by
which land was stolen from Native-Americans and millions of buffalo were
slaughtered by gangs of drunks celebrating St. Patricks Day.
Shockingly, he was denied nomination of his
party for the presidential election of 1884.
Evidently, party bigwigs weren’t terribly impressed with neither his
record nor his campaign slogan of “At Least I’m Not Millard Fillmore.”"That's racist, boyo."
Instead, they gave the nomination to
someone whose name escapes me, but, honestly, who cares? Whoever he was, he was defeated by the
Democrat candidate for the presidency.
Yes, Grover Cleveland became the 22nd
President of the United States primarily on the strength of HIS slogan: “I May Be Fat as a House, But I Ain’t Chester
Arthur.”
Hmm, maybe next year I’ll choose Benjamin
Harrison.