History of the World-So Would It Kill You To Not Kill Us?

NOTE:  I'll continue to post this disclaimer.  The past several posts and who-knows-how-many-posts-to-come are merely what I can remember from the Penguin Academy of Our Lady of Barnum Avenue and History Class at Stratford High School while growing up older in Connecticut.  I will research some specifics, mostly dates and the most obscure of names, and I'll try to place historical events in their proper historical context.  Meaning, I won't have the Aztecs land on the moon.  Or...did they?  Trust me, some of this is true; however, don't use any of this nonsense to prepare for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for the Cardassians.  Or Joe Biden.  Especially if you sniff their hair.

Cardassians.
I don't think this is right.

Ohhhhhhhhh, Kardashians.
That's better.
Or is it?

The Hebrews

A whole lotta smiting's been going on here for thousands of years.

    Believe it or not, I do some research when writing these things.  Not so much that I bog down into a scholarly dissertation of facts, but some.  After all, I don't want to bore you and, besides, enough histories of the world have been written already.  Besides, it would take a lot of work.  Work that I wouldn't get paid for.

    That being said, winging it is a lot more fun.

    Anyway, when I first sought to do this series, I went looking for a book from which I could draw certain facts as a resource.  Sure, this internet thingie can provide me with everything I need, but that would take a lot of effort.  Even though the internet never lies.

And does provide some disturbing images.

At any rate, I just like holding a book in my hands.

    When I'm not holding anything else.

    So, to Amazon I went in search of a history of the world.  The book I selected, titled "World History" (duh), looked promising.  It had many positive reviews with only a couple negatives.  Some of the cranky comments concerned the role that the Jews played in world history.  A couple reviewers complained that the book really gave very short shrift to the goings-on with the Hebrews, Israelites, Judeans…whatever.

    These comments are accurate. "World History" covers virtually none of the history of the "Chosen People."  There is one small paragraph which mentions that the religion of Abraham and Moses had a heavy influence on Christianity, but that's about it.

Wrong Abraham

Cecil B. DeMille Moses

NRA Moses

       I'm really not all that miffed about it, though.  Luckily, in my seven years

"And don't ye be thinking thaht
will be keeping ye out of Purgatory, boyo. 
Ye cheeky scamp."

as an inmate of the Penguin Academy (four of which I spent as an altar boy…yeah, huh?), I received an ample history of the people/religion which was the foundation on which Catholicism (and the heathen Protestant faiths) is based.

    So, I'm really going to write this without a net.  Sure, I could consult my Bible (we really didn't get into that book all that much at P.A., though) or delve into internet research.  But, like I commented above, what's the fun in that?

WARNING:  For those of you who really do know biblical history (e.g., Chris Martin), you will  definitely find inaccuracies here.  The challenge for you will be to spot the exaggerations and/or mistakes and wonder if they are genuine goofs.  Or whether I am genuinely goofing with the material.

    I'll never admit to any of it, though.

WARNING (Part Deux):  This will be the first post that may offend some of you.  Up to now, I've been ragging on Sumerians, Babylonians, Egyptians, and Assyrians.  But, I'm really not worried about receiving a strongly-worded letter from Nineveh.  However, now I'm heading into territory which can be a bit touchy.  Mean-spirited offense is not intended, though.  Playful smartassery (may not be a real word) is.  Don't worry, I'll probably hack off someone else somewhere along the way.

    I won't poke fun of Hillary Clinton, though.  She's a wonderful

"Just keep an eye on him, though. 
I don't know, just read his f*cking blog to make sure."

lady who can never be accused of wishing harm on anyone, be they whistle-blower or pedophile.  I swear.

    Well, will you look at the time?  I spent this entire time warming up for the Hebrew post that I've run clear out of room.  So, I'll "go without a net" next week when I discuss…

Next time:  The Hebrews-So Would It Kill You Not To Kill Us? For real, trust me.