A Coffee By Any Other Name

 

"And don't expect 'Merry Christmas,' either. 
 Because FU, that's why."

    As I sat down to write tonight, I had initially thought to give you something of a more serious nature.  After all, there are plenty topics from which to choose:  face diapers, vaccine efficacy, Orange Man antics, White House dementia, Alec "Big Shot" Baldwin, crime in the streets, a screen door southern border, sky-high inflation, and the very real possibility that a great many people will begin dying in Ukraine and Taiwan shortly after the Olympics.

 

    But, no, all that is depressing.  While I refuse to rule out addressing any of the hard-hitting issues of the day in later posts, I decided to rant on about something which has as much intellectual gravitas as "The Masked Singer."

Or Whoopi Goldberg wearing a mop.

    

    What I'm talking about is that Nexus of Pretension: Starbucks.

    To be honest, Starbucks ranks a good third when it comes to me getting coffee (behind Wawa and Dunkin).  In fact, I usually only go there in my capacity as a "Multi-Venue Consumption Transportation Representative" for Uber Eats (yeah, talk about being pretentious).

Not as cool as this, though

    NOTE:  We also have Sheetz in my area.  However, since I have never had coffee there, I haven't included them on my list.

What we refer to as the Redneck Wawa

    However, this morning, I found myself in need of some caffeine.  And, since it was too early to get a soda (or pop, to you weird people), I thought to seek out a good cup of coffee.  Considering that my only choices were 7-Eleven (remember, I said a good cup of coffee) and Starbucks, though, I decided to risk pompous ostentation for what really is a third-rate cuppa Joe.

"In addition to coffee which can strip paint,
 may we also suggest a mummified hot dog
or fart wrapped in cellophane disguised as a hoagie?"

    Even though I was a little leery of the Patchouli and Biscotti Metropolis, I resolved to get over myself.  I figured what harm could it be to just get some coffee? 

    As I walked through the door and waded through a few hipsters sipping on their brews or eating a scone, biscuit, whatever, I was greeted by a very cheery barista.  It went downhill from there.

    "Good morning, sir!  Welcome to Starbucks!"

    “I’ll have a Large coffee.”

    “You mean a Venti?”

    “What’s a Venti?”

    “It’s a Large coffee.”

    “Why can’t I just say ‘Large’?”

    “Because we’re Starbucks.”

    “What? Well, that’s frikkin’ stupid!”

    “Well, sir, Starbucks doesn’t have Large coffees. We have Ventis.”

    “Okay, I'll play your game.  Why?”

    “Because for every Venti sold, we send a penny to the rainforest.”

    “What???”

    “Yes, sir.  Right to the rainforest.”

    “Which rainforest?”

    “Any rainforest will do, sir. Although January is Amazon Month here at Starbucks.”

    “You’re putting me on.”

    “No, sir.  We just wrap a penny up and send it straight to Brazil via Amazon.  Wait.  That's kind of funny.  I never thought of that.  Anyway, not really sure what they do with it, but you can be sure it’s for a good cause.”

    “Sigh...okay, give me a Venti coffee.”

    “What flavor?”

    “What flavor!? Don’t you just have regular coffee?”

    “I thought you said you wanted a Venti, sir."

    "Huh?"

    "Our regular coffees are called Tall and our mediums are called Grande.  So, if you w...”

    “Whoa, whoa, whoa, doesn’t Grande mean Large?”

    “That’s only in Spanish-speaking countries, sir.  We’re based in Seattle.”

    “Well, that isn’t what I meant, and you know it. I meant all I wanted was your basic coffee. You have choices?"     

    “Oh, yes, sir.  We have Dark Roast, Extra Rich, Brazilian, Hazelnut, French Vanilla, Vanilla Ice, Jamaican Monkey Blend, Espresso, Australian Beaver Cheese, Mango Twist, Chinese Green Tea Coffee, Mocha Orgasm, Kona, Peruvian, Colombian, Mango Twist, Folgers...”

    “Wait...what??? You made that up!”

    “Which part, sir?”

    “That part about Australian Beaver Cheese.”

    “No, sir. Beavers are well known coffee drinkers.”

    “Says who?”

    “People.”

    “Which people?”

    “Beaver people.”

    “And the part about the cheese...?”

    “Same people, sir.”

    “Well, yewww, I don’t want that. Give me Dark Roast.”

    “Decaf, half caffe, third of a calf, full body, skinny, latte swirl, 10W 40, straight up...?”

    SLAM!!!!!

    “Sir? Sir??"

    

    I decided to look for the nearest Sheetz.  How bad could they be?

 Epilogue:  All kidding aside, I recently found out why they're called Ventis.  Apparently, "Venti" is Italian or Spanish or French or Somalian...

"I don't know languages."

for "twenty."  As in, you're ordering "twenty" ounces of liquid.  Likewise, some stores offer "Trientas" which means, you guessed it, "thirty" or "thirty ounces" of coffee.  Still doesn't explain why their frikkin' GRANDE isn't the large, though.  Pretentious douchebaggery affoot, methinks.

"Hear that, chum?  TO THE GRIEVANCEMOBILE!"
"That's only for racism, you idiot."
"Oh.  My bad.  How 'bout some coffee, instead?  Your treat."

Next time:  I think I'll continue with my History of the World series, for which I'm sure you've all been waiting with baited breath.  So, start studying now.  You'll need to know when I'm selling you a line of crap.

Hint:  That's often.