History of the World-Fertile Crescent Rolls

To my Blogger friends (the handful of you)...you may recognize this post.  Originally printed in the summer of 2019 (you know, before the country lost its frikkin' mind), I've updated it slightly so it may be worth your while to have another look.  Although, I left in the crack I had written about Joe Biden (in the NOTE below), proving that comedy gold is still every bit as relevant as it was more than two years ago.  To my Facebook friends, this, of course, will be new to you.  I hope you like it.  And the fact that it...don't cost nothin'...

NOTE:  I'll continue to post this disclaimer.  I'd like to caution against using any of the nonsense below to study for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  Or Joe Biden.  Especially if you sniff their hair.

Early Societies
 

This grew especially dangerous because 

sometimes their dinner chased them.

    Shortly after the Ice Age drew to a close (except in certain parts of Minnesota, Maine, and apparently I-95 in Virginia) in 11,000 BC (give or take a hundred years…go ahead, count), people started growing weary of chasing their dinner around the Savannah.  Or  anywhere not in Georgia.

    After all, it took a lot of effort driving mammoths off cliffs.  With that in mind, humans soon shifted away from a hunting-gathering existence to a more agricultural one.

The shift accelerated after the disastrous 

"Cave Bear Roundup" by the now-extinct Zug Clan.

    People had been munching on berries, grasses, vegetables, and things they dug up from the ground for thousands of years, of course.  Fruit was also a staple.  Especially when plucked from the branches of trees they'd been chased up by leopards.  Who could climb...trees.

"Okay.  So me not smart."

"Idiot."

    But, I've always wondered what part of the human brain caused

But, not the bulls.  

As Herschel Zug found out to his dismay.

them to think that they could plant seeds in the ground to actually grow food.  Then again, somebody was the first to think that lobsters would make good eating.  Or that they could pull on the dangly bits of what we call cows (and they called Oprahs) to give them milk.  
  
   These initial forays into agriculture around 7,000 BC

"Now all we need is for someone to invent 

chips and football and we're all set."

(you really want to check me on this, don't you?  Hint:  I don't care) were primarily cereals such as emmer (whatever the frik that was), barley, rye, millet, hops, and bran (for the old people, who pretty much just sat around complaining about the weather).  Hops and barley were especially popular once they discovered they could make beer out of them.

"Don't even think about herding my big hairy ass.  

Or do I need to remind you of what happened to the Zugs?"

   Early farmers also began herding certain other animals for their milk, meat, wool, animal products (bits of bone, sinew, and intestines for condoms) and companionship for lonely farmers.  

    The first herd animals were goats, but later sheep, cattle, and pigs (this was before the invention of Jews and Muslims, so BLTs around the campfire were still okay) were added to the mix.  Attempts to herd gorillas were made, but they were shelved after a rash of "Poo-Flinging."  Plus, it was never a good idea to milk a gorilla.  Nothing much would come of it, they didn't find it sexy, and faces were often ripped off.

"Turkey bacon on BLTs is totally cool, though."

    

"TURKEY BACON SUCKS!!!!"

"AND K-MART!!!!"

    

    Eventually, peoples gathered together into small communities.  Not only were they able to pool their talents and resources together, they gave each other neighbors about whom they could constantly bitch.  I'm sure some folks gathered together in the far north of the world, but these people were stupid.

"What you mean, Miami Beach?"

    Most humans gathered together where it was warm and conducive to the growing of crops, herding of livestock, and not

Mesopotamia

Greek-or Latin-for "Between the Waters"
or "Here There Be Crazy People."

Huh.  Egypt, too?  Whaddya know?  

Damn my public school education!

freezing body parts off.  Yes, this included parts of China, Pakistan, and even Mesoamerica.  But, I'm going to concentrate on the Mesopotamian region of the world, also commonly referred to as the "Fertile Crescent."  It is here, in the lands of what are now parts of Iraq, Syria, Turkey, and Beheadistan, where the first cities were formed.

 

No phones, no lights, no motorcars, not a single luxury.

Not even dial-up cable.

  

    Most of their dwellings were constructed of mud wattle, grass sods, or primitive brick.  It was a pity that early man had hunted the Vinyl Sidingasaurus to extinction.  It would be many thousands of years before an artificial form of home construction would be invented in Levittown, Pennsylvania.

   This is also the time when mankind discovered that he (or, most likely, she, because all the dudes were busy chasing sheep and creating fantasy skull kicking leagues), could mash up grains with water, toss the mixture into an oven, and bake wonderful delicacies such as bread, charred bread, and fertile crescent rolls.
    
    However, they continued on with an ancient human tradition. 
Only now, since the Neanderthals were either wiped out or relocated to New Jersey, they raided other villages to pillage, kill, plunder, pull hair, and kidnap slutty sheep.

"Hey, there, Sailor.  Take me to your mud house?"

Next time:  Egypt-You Mean I Can Marry My Sister?