Pass the Matzah

 Or is that "matza?"  Whatever, I'm Catholic.  I've got my own guilt to deal with, ya know.

"That you do, boyo, that you do.  Now, knuckles if ye please."

     The following could be considered wildly irreverent.  Could be?  Please accept my apologies in advance.  I just hope that Hell has visiting hours so you can come see me.

       As a test of how much I learned in school, I’m not going to consult Google, the entrails of an owl, or Mr. Fineman from across the street. 

     I’m also too lazy to open a book.

     A good lot of you are celebrating Easter, which is observed...let me see if I have this straight...the first Sunday after the full moon which occurs after the spring equinox (or whenever the calendar says).

     Recognized by Christians worldwide as the most sacred day in their calendar, Easter is a time to reflect on the passion, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, a carpenter's son from Nazareth.

     NOTE:  Not all Christians mind you.  The Eastern Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, or Romanian Orthodox Episcopate know-it-alls use the Julian Calendar (don't get me started) so, by their reckoning, Easter is a week later.  I think.

"Father, why is it that we celebrate Easter a week later than other Christians?"
"That's simple, my child.  We use the Julian, not Gregorian, calendar.  Therefore the dates are different."
"I see."
"Plus, Easter candy is on sale."

     Gathered together as one (augmented by "twice a year" Christians checking off the first of their churchly obligations-the other being Christmas), they ponder the awesome mysteries of their faith.  Like,  how a bunny could lay eggs?

   

"Yeah, how is that exactly?"
"Remember that one night we found Farmer Smith's moonshine stash and paid a visit to the chicken coop?"
"Ohhhhhhhhhhh.............."

      But did you know (okay most do), that Jesus was a rabbi?  That He, along with his followers, was in Jerusalem to celebrate Passover, one of the most sacred days of the Jewish calendar?  No, he wasn't Catholic, despite what Sister Mary Gregory of the Titanium Yardstick tried to beat into you.

     In fact, what is known to many Christians as the "Last Supper" was, in reality, a Passover "Seder."

     Despite what Cecil B. De Mille would have you believe, The Ten Commandments, which used to be played annually on ABC every Easter night (God knows-no pun intended-when it's on now) is not an Easter movie.

Now, I think it's Ru Paul's Drag Race.
This may be blasphemous.

     King of Kings?  Yeah.  The Robe?  Okay.  Ben-Hur?  Sure.  Ben Gay?  Now you're being silly.

     But, The Ten Commandments?  Oy.     

     Passover is a Jewish (I think we've already covered that) celebration which commemorates the exodus (so THAT explains the book) of the Hebrews from Egypt, way back when Keith Richards was a teenager.

     They were led by Charlton Heston, who if he’d only kept his trap shut, could have eventually become Pharaoh (or at least Vice-Pharaoh) and freed the slaves.  Along the way, he could also have bagged the hot Nefertiri.  Unfortunately (for the Big Mo), Ramses (aka Yul Brynner), inventor of the prophylactic, wouldn’t have donned the royal loincloth and bedded Anne Baxter.

Who, let's face it, was pretty damn hot.
NOTE:  Nipples not photoshopped out.  C'mon, I know it's Easter, but you looked.

  And possibly zoomed in.

     But, noooooo, Moses just had to schlep out into the desert, raise some sheep, marry Lily Munster, open the Midian chapter of the NRA, and meet God (who did not look like George Burns).

Don't get me wrong, she was easy on the eyes, too. 
But, she was no Nefertiri.
Plus, no nipples.

     Moses, heeding a divine call, decided to go back to Egypt to free the slaves.  Imagine Ramses’ chagrin when the “Big Mo” barged into meetings of the Pyramid Planning Commission, waved his stick around (double entendre intended), and ordered his BFF, Aaron, to turn goats into chickens.  Or grass stains into dazzling whites.

     Moses warned (well, after God sent him a text) that a series of plagues would be visited on Egypt: frogs, locusts, boils (eww), bloody water, the Pelosi Pox, irritable bowel syndrome (double eww), etc.  Each were meant to convince Yul Pharaoh to “let the people go.” 

"Great Pharaoh, it's a subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club!"

     They were actually starting to work, too, until Ramses looked at the latest Gallup poll numbers.  Figuring he had to satisfy his “pro-slavery” base, his heart was hardened and he called the whole deal off.

"Quite frankly, who could blame him? The fear mongers of the fake papyrus news were making his life a living hell, a lot like when CNN continues to badger me, which is horrible, horrible mind you.  If I were pharaoh, and I would have been the greatest pharaoh who ever lived, you understand, none of this would have happened.  I would have built the most excellent wall-and Persia would have paid for it, trust me-around Trump Giza and at least have provided the greatest army in the history of the world up to that point with at least the finest swimwear in the world when they left for the Red Sea, which, as seas goes, quite frankly, isn't the greatest of seas, you understand.  You know, like the Mediterranean Sea.  Or Long Island Sound."

     Well, Moses eventually had enough of this crap.  He told Ramses that the first-born of Egypt would be slain in punishment for enslaving his people.  This included (cue dramatic music) the Pharaoh’s own son!

     NOTE:  I think this was true, at least according to the movie.  The film industry was pretty truthful seventy years ago.  Even though I didn't think monkeys could fly, Hollywood wouldn't lie to me.  Is it any wonder I have trust issues?

     The Hebrews, feeling pretty damned cocky, painted goat (or sheep?) blood over their doors.  They felt quite safe that death would “pass” them “over.”  (Get it now?).  Mostly because Death got wicked skeeved at the sight of blood.

"Blood?  Blood?? Now how am I supposed to be
getting blood off the door, Mr. Big Shot?"
"Who cares?  We're getting TF out of here, remember?"

     So, they hung out while the “Destroyer” (depicted by a red cloud.  Special effects were kinda cheesy back then.  After all, "Industrial Light and Magic" hadn't been invented yet) went from door to door seeking out Egyptians who won a lottery they hadn't reckoned on.  

"That red cloud thing looks dangerous, Brother Joe."
"Oh, I dunno.  Worth a shot, don'tcha think?"

     The Hebrews sang songs, prayed prayers, played “Old Testament Yahtzee”, and ate unleavened bread called "matzah" (because Dominos stopped delivering at 10).

     When the day dawned and Ramses saw the mess (“Now, we’ll never get that blood out!”), he ordered Moses to pack up his shit and get the hell out.

     NOTE:  Ramses may not have said ‘shit.’

     So, Moses jumped for Joy (his sister-in-law because he left Lily Munster back home) and convinced everybody to pack their toothbrushes and a change of underwear.  He wasn’t exactly sure where they'd be going, though.  Unfortunately, Aaron had turned his map into an origami whooping crane.

     Bottom line, the Hebrews finally left Egypt.  Along the way, the Egyptian Army  went for a one-way dip in the Red Sea, Edward G. Robinson talked a lot of smack, Aaron was forced to make some seriously effed-up looking calf, they all got jiggy with their bad selves at the base of Mount Sinai, Moses saw a wicked cool light show on the mountain, and bread fell out of the sky for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (“So we couldn’t maybe get a nice brisket instead?”).

 

"Myeah, see?  Moses led you into the desert, see?  And I can be totally miscast, see?"

     They were finally allowed to enter the Promised Land after 40 years (the prior tenants had a wicked long-term lease).

     Since I’m sure I've put you to sleep by now, let me finish by saying that Moses wasn’t even allowed to enter with the rest of his people (he didn’t get his wrist stamped). 

"What the f...I got screwed. 
Tell you what.  I shoulda married Anne Baxter, that's what I should have done."

"Wow, you can be pretty harsh."
"Son, you ain't seen nothin' yet."
Okay, this is definitely blasphemous.

     He had to watch while Joshua (played in the movie by John Derek.  Before he got fat, married Bo, and died) led his people into...Canaan?  At any rate, someplace the Iranians would get all hacked off about eventually.

     I think it had something to do with smacking a rock to get water.  Which was a mistake.    

     Because, as we all know, paper, not water, covers rock.