History of the World-The Unkindest Cut of All

NOTE:  I'll continue to post this disclaimer.  The past several posts and who-knows-how-many-posts-to-come are merely what I can remember from Our Lady of Barnum Avenue and History Class at Stratford High School while growing up older in Connecticut.  I will research some specifics, mostly dates and the most obscure of names, and I'll try to place historical events in their proper historical context.  Meaning, I won't have the Aztecs land on the moon.  Or...did they?  Trust me, some of this is true; however, don't use any of this nonsense to prepare for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  Or Joe Biden.  Especially if you sniff their hair.

More Hebrews

Copy of a older map.  
Maybe it will be useful this week. 
Maybe not. 
 Shut up. 
Not like you're paying for this crap, is it?

Last week, I skipped ahead a little bit and described the events of Moses and the Exodus.  I figured, with it being Passover and all, it'd be timely to describe that seminal (not a dirty word-I think) event in Jewish history.  So, for the two of you who read this and may be confused, my apologies.  

When last we met in our trip through history....

    After his kids woke him up and made him drink a pot of coffee, Noah (that drunk bastard) threw some clothes on.  Then, he took them off again because he remembered that God had instructed him to repopulate the Earth after the Deluge.

       

"Sure beats the hell out of that 'build an ark
and sail around for forty days with a boat fulla monkey poop' instruction.  Probably won't need this hammer, though.  Unless the ladies need a little persuading."

"The management would like to remind our readers that Noah is apparently still drunk.  We here at Stuff and Nonsense do not endorse domestic violence.  Unless she deserves it.."

     Eventually, after a long time (and by 'long time,' I mean 'I didn't feel like checking'), the world was full once again (would've been quicker if Barry White had been invented).  After generations of "Shems," "Hams," "Ernies," and "Nahors" (which means "breathing hard"-must've taken that repopulating thing seriously), we arrive at Abram.

    
    Abram, who became known as "Abraham" (lotta name-changing going on in the ancient world…must have been wicked confusing for the greeting card industry), lived in the land known as "Canaan," which today is somewhere near Israel, Syria, and various crazy people.

    
    Abraham, considered the patriarch of Judaism, Christianity, Islam, and the Shriners (a busy man),

"How 'bout a secret handshake? 
Wouldn't a secret handshake work just as well?"

entered into a covenant with God.  He was assured that his people would be known for all time as the Chosen Ones if they consented to be circumcised.  You gotta admire the devotion of grown men consenting to that particular little nip n' tuck.

    

 

Hagar wasn't much to look at it
and could get wicked cranky
But she was a wildcat when the sun went down.

  
Abram was married to a woman called Sarah (who was spared that whole "circumcision" thing).  Since she was wicked old (75?) she despaired of providing her husband with a son, so she asked her handmaiden, Hagar, to do the task.  

Abram, being a dude, probably jumped at the chance.

"My man."

    

    The child born to Hagar was named Ishmael.  Abram doted on the boy, who was unfortunately sent away with his mother after Sarah announced she was pregnant (that tricksy, elderly bitch) with who (or is that 'whom'?) would become Isaac.  Don't feel too badly for ole Ish, though.  He would go on to become one of the founding fathers of Islam.

  

And be a character in Moby Dick.

"Hee, hee, hee...he said 'dick.'"

    Abraham was pretty psyched

"Oh, come on! 
Wasn't that foreskin thing enough?"

when given the news about a new baby.  However, not so much when he was told by God that he needed to sacrifice his boy to prove he was worthy.  So, even though he was still sore and walked funny, he consented to the dirty deed.

    
    Then, God said "psyche!" and called the whole thing off.

    

    Isaac would be known as the second of the three patriarchs of Judaism, Islam, and Christianity (sounds like Ishmael got screwed-again).  The first, of course, was Abraham.  The second was Jacob.

    

Wrong Isaac

    Jacob was born to Isaac's wife, Rachel (Rachel already having left Ross), along with his slightly older twin, Esau (hey, I don't know how a frikkin' twin could be older, but that's what the book said).  However, Esau (like Ishmael) was screwed by his younger brother.   Isaac, growing more decrepit (kinda like an ancient Joe Biden...but I repeat myself), figured that, since he didn't have much longer to live, should bless Esau.

"After all, somebody has to pay for my room
at the Villages of Heshobon."

  

    However, Jacob got all dressed up in animal furs or some such

Esau was understandably upset.
He thought, as the older brother, he deserved respect.

(apparently, Esau was some hairy beast) and passed himself off as Esau to his dad, who having the visual acuity of Mr. Magoo, figured Esau had just forgotten to shave his back that day.  Thus blessed, Jacob changed his name (naturally) to "Israel" and blew raspberries at his peeved brother.

    

"Cut off my what?  GTFO!"

    Israel is known as the progenitor of the "Israelites" (makes sense, amirite?), who lived in the region just north of "Judah" (See?  The map is important) called "Israel" (geez-a-lou, once they liked a name...).  The peoples who lived in this region would go on to found a great civilization.

    
    Until they became enslaved in Egypt, were captured by the Babylonians, invaded by the Assyrians, ruled by the Macedonians, colonized by the Romans, overrun by the Muslims, "saved" by the Crusaders, sacked by ticked-off Saracens, exploited by Indiana Jones and the Nazis, scorned by the United Nations, and swamped by tourists in hot pants and "I Heart Disney" tee shirts.

Next:  I'm not sure.  Let me think about it.  Maybe David?

   Oh, wait.  Last time I promised I'd talk about a guy who was swallowed by a fish.  Please hold...

  Okay, there was this dude called Jonah who lived in Israel (after the events in this story...maybe not...let's just roll with it) and was called by God to preach to the folks in Nineveh (Iraq? Iran? Assyria?  Mesopotamia?  I'd look it up but American Idol is on) but the crazies who lived there were enemies of Israel so Jonah said "Screw that" and peaced out to  a ship headed in the opposite direction (Persian Gulf?  Red Sea?  Sea of Galilee?  Dead Sea?  Judah EPCOT?  Who knows?  Who cares?) but a storm came up and the crew tossed his butt off causing the storm to abate; however, a fish (whale?  NOT a fish, I know, smart ass) came up and swallowed him which really freaked Jonah out so he prayed for three days until the fish/whale spit him out in-you guessed it-Nineveh so Jonah figured he may as well do what God wanted him to do but he ended up getting ticked off because the Ninevehians weren't destroyed, indicating that Jonah didn't really know what the exact meaning of "preach" was, so he left in a huff (coulda used a camel) and ended up....well, that's all the time we have for Bible stories.  Tune in next week for David (oops, I already said that). 

Okay, this is Geppetto, but you get the idea.