So Would It Kill You Not To Kill Us?-Part II

NOTE:  I'll continue to post this disclaimer.  The past several posts and who-knows-how-many-to-come are what I can remember from the Penguin Academy of Our Lady of Barnum Avenue and History Class in high school while growing up older in Stratford, Connecticut.  I will research some specifics, mostly dates and the most obscure of names, and I'll try to place historical events in their proper historical context.  Meaning, I won't have the Aztecs land on the moon.  Or...did they?  Trust me, some of this is true; however, don't use any of this nonsense to prepare for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  Or Joe Biden.  Especially if you sniff their hair.

The Hebrews

In our last episode….

It's warm this time of year, though, but it's a dry heat.
So, there's that.

    I mentioned I lacked a reliable reference book from which to draw a scholarly discussion of God's Chosen People. Unfortunately, the book which I purchased to draft these (decidedly-unscholarly) series of posts left out a lot of Jewish history. Therefore, I fell back on what I learned at the Penguin Academy, knowing full well there'd be inaccuracies.  To say nothing of snarky little bits which will probably insult some folks.

"Oy'll be keepin' a close eye on you, ye cheeky little scamp."

    Then, I looked at the time, gasped, and ended before I really got started.  Pretty close to what I'm doing now.

    So, without further adieu, I'd like to present...the Hebrews.

    In the beginning (or so the story goes), there was darkness.  Then, after banging his shin on his desk, God (who, from all accounts, looked remarkably like George Burns) turned on the lights and got to work.  

    After creating the Universe, all life, Keith Richards, and the world's first nudist colony, He declared that Adam and Eve were in violation of their lease for eating an apple (or pomegranate. Or Sumo Orange.  Whatever the frik).  He ordered them to put on some clothes and get the Hell (see what I did there?) out of the Garden of Eden.

"And take that damn snake with you!"

    They didn't have to go to New Jersey, though.  After all, He's a just, not a cruel, God.  We'll leave that kind of bidness to the 7^th century.

    No, I won't name who in the 7th Century.  After all, I'm a smartass, not a dumbass.

"Good move.  Infidel."

    All human life descended from these two people meaning that Adam and Eve were constantly at it (hey, they didn't have cable).  It's a wonder that the first female's uterus didn't fall out on the jungle floor.  

They were white people.
Naturally.

    Plus, they were sure to have had more than just the two sons, one of whom was knocked on the noggin and killed by his brother.  I mean, after all, if all they had was boys, that would pretty much have been that.  Especially if Eve's uterus fell out.

"You do know she's your sister, right?"

    So....there was probably a whole lotta family monkey business (and not necessarily with the monkeys) going on.  Think about it.  Do I have to draw you a picture?

And...did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?
If so, why?

    Needless to say, some of their progeny got fed up with fighting over the remote and moved to other regions of the Middle East (must have been the Middle East.  I don't know or can't remember.  Whatever).  These people became the Sumerians, Babylonians, Chaldeans, Assyrians, Avengers, Egyptians, Hittites...

And Shriners

    We've already discussed some of the goings-on in their world, like war, peace, fertile crescent rolls, and sister-marrying.

 

"Seriously, would it have killed
you to just say 'big-ass boat'?"

   The ones who stuck around with Mom and Dad became known as the Hebrews.  They certainly were a fractious lot.  They carried on in such a way with each other through murder, rape, robbery, ripping tags off pillows, jaywalking, and other licentious behaviors that God decided he'd had enough.  He then ordered one of those who He deemed most religious (or because he had one kickass beard), Noah, to build an ark.

Or looked like Russell Crowe.
Sources are unclear.

    He furthered ordered Noah to bring his family and two of each kind of animal into the ark because he would send a great flood to…uh…flood the world, thus rendering it clean.

NOTE:  Paying close attention to his instructions, Noah brought two unicorns onboard.  Unfortunately, one was a male unicorn and the other was a transgender unicorn.  Bye, bye, unicorns.  Stupid unicorns.

"You're a what?  Son of a b..."

NOTE Part 2:  Did you ever wonder where in TF Noah found penguins?  You ever think of that?  I know I did.  Which is probably one of the reasons Sister Mary of the Bloody Knuckles made me stand in the corner and recite twenty rosaries.  In Latin.

"Ohhhhhh, boy, is it gonna stink in he...hey, what're those unicorns trying to do?"

    True to His word, God indeed flooded the world.  The result was that all of the evil (including thousands of seriously hacked-off unicorns) were wiped from the face of the Earth.  Some people think the Flood is the reason that Atlantis  disappeared.  We call these people loonies.  Truth is, the truth remains unknown.

 

    Still...

    After 40 days (and 40 nights-do the math), a second dove

"What?  You couldn't bring a pizza?"

brought an olive leaf to the ark (after the first one died of a heart attack trying to bring a whole tree).  To Noah, this meant he either had a stupid bird on his hands or that the waters were receding.

    He figured it was the latter when the Ark grounded out on the top of Mount Ararat (which is in Turkey, I think…?).  After thanking God for delivering them from His great destruction and freeing them from what must have been one funky smelling boat, Noah and his posse walked down the side of the mountain (chair lifts hadn't been invented) and began setting up shop.  After drying everything out.

    Then, after consulting with the Ankara AAA, they decided to hoof it on back home after taking a vote.  Turns out nobody wanted to be that close to the Persians.

    Remember the Persians became Iranians?  You're welcome.

HOLY CRAP, it IS in Turkey! 
Talk about your long walk.

A shame really. 
A good rinsing would do
wonders for San Francisco's sidewalks.

God, for His part, must've felt the guilts, I suppose, and promised He would never destroy the Earth by flood again. 

    

    

    

The last bit I remember about Noah is that he got drunk one

"Wait.  Isn't this the kind of shit
that caused the Flood in the first place?"

day and his kids found him passed out naked.  Hey, I keep my pants on when drinking, but who am I to judge?  They (after puking their guts out.  Can you blame them?) then threw a blanket, clothes, or goat on him to cover his shame.

    Noah:  Heroic Ark Builder to Intrepid Sea Captain to Passed Out Naked Drunk Guy.  A story as old as time.

"Tell me about it! 
I used to be Trump's Press Secretary."

    Speaking of time…good grief, I've done it again.  I've barely scratched the surface of the History of the Early Jewish People and I've run out of time.  Meaning we'll have to pick up our story next time with…

Abraham,  Isaac,  Jacob, A Dude in a Fish, Joseph, and Charlton Heston starring as Moses…

Until then, say a prayer for me.