Love Is In the Air

 

"All I told Claudius was,
'Don't lose your head over that marriage thing.
  Such a touchy guy.'

    February 14th is a day set aside for love and the greeting card industry.  For it is on this day* when lovers throughout the world (or at least this country) scour the aisles of supermarkets in search of that which most fervently expresses their devotion to their significant other.  Flowers, chocolates, lingerie, stuffed Cupids, early pregnancy tests...all fly off the shelves, snatched up by those who desperately want to get laid.  At least once this year.

Then again, some seek that special something for that special someone..  I won't judge.
Sidebar, your honor?  You can actually get this on Amazon.

    Incidentally, this will probably be the biggest workout that Lady Schicks get all winter.

    But, how did this holiday (a holiday which doesn't involve time off from work or school?  Suck it, ya big babies.  You got Columbus Day.  Some of you.  Suck it anyway) come into our culture?

    Obviously (or not, for those of who went to public school), Valentines Day is named in honor of Saint Valentine, he of the Rome Valentines.

    There are many versions of how this day came to be.  There was a Valentine of Terni, a Valentine of Genoa, and a Valentine of Secaucus, New Jersey.  But, I'm only going to concentrate on the Valentine of Rome.  Mostly because he's pretty much the only one the nuns taught us about.  Plus, do you really want to read a long-ass post?  Well, longer than usual, anyway.

    Besides, you gotta get to Walmart to pick up a box of chocolates shaped like a heart.  God speed, you sentimental sap, you.  May your chocolates be more than those sucky jelly-filled ones.

    Anyway, Valentine was a Roman (I already said that) priest/bishop/philanderer in the third century under the rule of Claudius II, nicknamed "Claudius the Cruel" behind his back.

The 'Kick Me' sign on his back really pushed him over the edge.

    As was often the case during the first few centuries of the Roman Empire, persecution Christians was a favorite past time along with gladiatorial games, enslaving Germans, and invading others.

    Unfortunately, that whole invading bit took quite a bit of manpower to pull off.  And, since free college and sex changes weren't really things in the Roman Army, the emperor needed to find some ways to staff the legions.

    One of his beliefs was that a married Roman wouldn't be that keen to travel far from home to conquer people who weren't too keen on being invaded .  Claudius figured a married man would be very reluctant to join the army.

Plus, try explaining this to the wife.

    Valentine (the big dope) disagreed with this philosophy and took to conducting marriage ceremonies for Christian soldiers.

    Apparently, Jewish soldiers were on their own.  For those who may be curious, Muslim soldiers hadn't been invented yet.

"But we're coming!  Infidel!"

    Claudius (since he was cruel) ordered Valentine arrested for eventual execution once the check cleared after hiring an executioner.

    While he was waiting, Valentine restored sight to the blind daughter of his jailer.  A pretty nice thing to do,  if you ask me.  If I was the jailer, I would have at least accidentally left his cell door open.  But noooooooooooo, Valentine's execution by beheading happened on February 14, 296 (once the swordsman's visa from Iran was approved).

"Beheading?  Oh, boo hoo!  Pussy.  OW!!"
-Saint Sebastian

    The night before, though, Valentine allegedly left Julia a note saying, "Your Valentine."

    

"Hey, I'm sorry.  I ate all the chocolates."

NOTE:  Now you know.

    Some sources say that, at the bottom of the card, Valentine also wrote, "P.S. Your dad is an asshole."  That, unfortunately, has been lost to history.

    A couple hundred years later, Pope Gelasius (after a successful lobbying effort by the nascent Latin greeting card industry) designated Valentine a saint.  Christians by this time were running the show, having given the pagans the heave-ho.

"HEY! GET TF AWAY FROM ME!  I BET YOU'RE NOT VACCINATED!!!"

  Saints were being made right and left, and Valentine made the cut based on his religious fervor, miracle, and outstanding penmanship.

Of course, godly piety affects others in different ways.

    The origins of the other other trappings associated with Valentines Day  remain hazy and probably were generated in lands far and wide from Rome.  Cupid, though, may be based on the possibility that Valentine gave Julia more than a note.

"He's my what???"

    If you know what I mean.

  Happy Saint Valentines Day!

    Now you better get going.  She'll be home from work anytime now.

*That this is the only day designated as such is kind of sad, if you think about it.  What do the other 364 days of the year consist of?  "HEY, WHERE THE HELL IS MY DINNER?"