When I sat down to write this evening, I wanted to address the tragedy unfolding in Ukraine. Then I realized there honestly is little of value I could add to the never-ending parade of bad news (frankly, do I ever?). You've heard it, you'll continue to hear it, so why should I add to your burden? After all, you come to Blogger for quality entertainment. Which begs the question, what the hell are you doing here? So, instead, I decided to carry on with this nonsense, if for no other reason that it will temporarily take your minds off the prospect of a Third World War.
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Cradle of Crazy
Sucky Map. Don't Use. |
Yeah, that's more like it. |
When I sat down to
write this week's "History of the World" segment on the civilization
of Babylon, I realized I didn't know a whole lot about it. I may have been absent the day the nuns taught it
or I may not have been paying attention (my money's on the latter).
What I can
remember is that, around 2,000 B.C.
(give or take a hundred years…go ahead…count), Babylon rose in the Fertile Crescent (land of
the Fertile Crescent rolls-I believe we've already covered that) in what is now
present-day Iraq (yeah, that Iraq).
Situated on the Euphrates River...or is that Tigris? (Seriously, who cares?), it grew to be a
regional superpower (only because the Chinese were inventing gunpowder, the Russians were trying to figure out how to get drunk on potatoes, and the Americans hadn't been invented yet.).
I knew there was a
big shot called Hammurabi (or
Hamburgerabi, as Chris Martin calls him). He created what is called the "Code
of Hammurabi" (the dude sounded like a stuck-up jerk to me). This formed the basis of our legal system
which was furthered developed in the Roman Twelve Tables, the Code of
Justinian, the Magna Carta, Constitution, Rock, Paper, Scissors, and rules for
Monopoly. Sure, there's others, but
we're not talking about them. Let's get
back to Babylon, shall we?
"What should the penalty be for stealing?" "Cut his hand off." "Lying?" "Cut his tongue off." "Sneezing without a Kleenex?" "Cut his nose off." "Adultery?" "Seriously?" |
Oh, wait. I'M the one who went off on a
tangent. Never mind.
Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Brought to you by Nebuchadnezzar. And the Nineveh Home Depot. You can build it. They can help. |
So, we're going to have to take it on faith that it was pretty sweet.
The only one which still exists is the Great Pyramid of Giza. Not to be confused with the So-So Pyramids of Giza. It was built in Ancient Egypt. Where they married their sisters. Coincidence? |
"Trust me. I saw it on the Internet. Of course, I'm dead so..." |
Daniel. Also an Elton John song. Unrelated. Probably. |
He got a bad rap,
deservedly so, as the nuns made us play "Pin
the Tail on
Nebuchadnezzar" before we were allowed to go to Bingo.
"But, not before ten rosaries, ye cheeky scamps." |
Babylon pretty
much ruled the roost for that region of the world, even Egypt (because
the aliens and their spaceships had already left).
The Babylonians led the way in improved farming,
lawmaking, education, mathematics, phrenology, interpretive dance, origami, cake-decorating, clogging, haberdashery, ice sculpture, charades, flower arrangements, beheading, writing (sure, why not?), and statues of half-men/half-lions.
Or bulls. Or eagles. Whatever.
Or bulls. Or eagles. Whatever.
"I don't know animals." |
The Babylonians Never able to shave with hooves or buy pants with four legs. |
But, that's
another story.
Anyway, that's
pretty much all I can remember about the Babylonian Empire. They were a pretty big deal, evidently, but
it was difficult to keep track of all the loinclothed players so early in the
school year. Besides, that's probably
all you need (or, most importantly, want) to know.
After all, no one wants to hear me babble on.
After all, no one wants to hear me babble on.
Next time: The Assyrians. Beheading people before beheading people was cool.
That's an AWFUL lot of rosaries...
ReplyDeleteHe was a bad dude, apparently.
DeleteI was going to mention (since I'm one of those pain-in-the-butt sticklers for semi accuracy) that Assyria came before Babylon, Nebuchadnezzar version. But then saw I already commented on this post and forgot it then. Sp forget it now. Hell, if I'd gotten that opening beer for the night, I might have missed it altogether. Along with the post...
DeleteYeah, I seem to recall that Nebuchadnezzar was later than the Assyrians. From what I can remember, there was an earlier Babylonian civilization before there was a later one. As we'll get into, the Hebrew civilization was all over the place. I could research, I suppose, but that would be too much work. I'm just flying by the seat of my pants which is why nobody should confuse this nonsense with a scholarly tome. I hope you notice I left in giving you credit for Hamburgerabi...lol.
DeleteI certainly did! Don't feel bad about not having one drunken duck in the row. Two weeks ago, Pastor David Jeremiah was describing the Assyrians while talking about the Babylonians, so you're in good company.
DeleteYou've been having entirely too much fun with your history lessons. Kids would get a kick out of your interpretations, but I'm thinking you don't get called upon too often as a substitute teacher... :)
ReplyDeleteFun stuff! Keep it coming.
Funny you should say that. Growing up, I wanted to be a History teacher. I joined the Navy after high school so I could get the GI Bill and go to college to get certified as a teacher. 27 years later...
DeleteAnyway, the first five years after I retired, I WAS a substitute teacher and my favorite classes to sub in were, you guessed it, history classes. My presentations were very similar to what you read above (of course, I gave the kids facts, not the type of nonsense you see here). I had a ball.
My favorite classes were on Columbus and the Battle of Bull Run.
Very cool! I subbed for a few years, too, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I bet your history students loved you!
DeleteOne way to stop crime permanently. Just chop off the appendage that did it. Gotta love those alien architects too.
ReplyDelete"Picking his nose?"
Delete"Cut his finger off."
I doubt how much fertile it is anymore.
ReplyDeleteI think it was all PR, anyway.
DeleteI want to hear more about the aliens...
ReplyDeleteYou will...lol.
DeleteMy wish come true: home depot sold Hanging Gardens of Babylon....
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful Sunday
They muscled Lowe's out of the Middle East.
DeleteThank you for noting the racist lingo that is "black sea."
ReplyDeleteYou made me laugh. You always do.
Can't wait to read about those ASSyrians.
And asses they were. My post about the Hebrews will pop close to Passover, which I think is quite fortuitous. I was discussing our Seder this evening with my girlfriend. We're looking to have it at my cousin's house with his family and my kids and their spouses. Looking forward to it.
DeleteI'm actually happy you noticed the "Black Sea" reference. THAT made ME laugh!
Delete