History of the World-Babble On

When I sat down to write this evening, I wanted to address the tragedy unfolding in Ukraine.  Then I realized there honestly is little of value I could add to the never-ending parade of bad news (frankly, do I ever?).  You've heard it, you'll continue to hear it, so why should I add to your burden?  After all, you come to Blogger for quality entertainment.  Which begs the question, what the hell are you doing here?  So, instead, I decided to carry on with this nonsense, if for no other reason that it will temporarily take your minds off the prospect of a Third World War.

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NOTE:  I'll continue to post this disclaimer.  The past several posts and who-knows-how-many-to-come are merely what I can remember from the Penguin Academy of Our Lady of Barnum Avenue and History Class at Stratford High School while growing up older in Connecticut.  I will research some specifics, mostly dates and the most obscure of names, and I'll try to place historical events in their proper historical context.  Meaning, I won't have the Aztecs land on the moon.  Or...did they?  Anyway, please don't use any of this nonsense to prepare for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  Or Joe Biden.  Especially if you sniff their hair.

Cradle of Crazy

Sucky Map.
Don't Use.

Yeah, that's more like it.

    When I sat down to write this week's "History of the World" segment on the civilization of Babylon, I realized I didn't know a whole lot about it.  I may have been absent the day the nuns taught it or I may not have been paying attention (my money's on the latter).

   What I can remember is that, around 2,000 B.C.  (give or take a hundred years…go ahead…count),  Babylon rose in the Fertile Crescent (land of the Fertile Crescent rolls-I believe we've already covered that) in what is now present-day Iraq (yeah, that Iraq).      

    Situated on the Euphrates River...or is that Tigris? (Seriously, who cares?), it grew to be a regional superpower (only because the Chinese were inventing gunpowder, the Russians were trying to figure out how to get drunk on potatoes, and the Americans hadn't been invented yet.).

    I knew there was a big shot called Hammurabi (or

"What should the penalty be for stealing?"
"Cut his hand off."
"Lying?"
"Cut his tongue off."
"Sneezing without a Kleenex?"
"Cut his nose off."
"Adultery?"
"Seriously?"

Hamburgerabi, as Chris Martin calls him).  He created what is called the "Code of Hammurabi" (the dude sounded like a stuck-up jerk to me).  This formed the basis of our legal system which was furthered developed in the Roman Twelve Tables, the Code of Justinian, the Magna Carta, Constitution, Rock, Paper, Scissors, and rules for Monopoly.  Sure, there's others, but we're not talking about them.  Let's get back to Babylon, shall we? 

    Oh, wait.  I'M the one who went off on a tangent.  Never mind.

Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
Brought to you by Nebuchadnezzar.
And the Nineveh Home Depot.
You can build it.  They can help.

    There was also another high roller called Nebucchadnezzar, who is known as the greatest king of Babylon (take that, Hammurabi).  He built one of the seven Wonders of the Ancient World.  Although, like five of the other wonders of the ancient world, it no longer exists.  

    So, we're going to have to take it on faith that it was pretty sweet.

The only one which still exists is the Great Pyramid of Giza.
Not to be confused with the So-So Pyramids of Giza.
It was built in Ancient Egypt.
Where they married their sisters.
Coincidence?

   

"Trust me.  I saw it on the Internet. 
Of course, I'm dead so..."

      King Nebuchadnezzar is also the guy who invaded Judah, 

Daniel.
Also an Elton John song.
Unrelated.
Probably.

destroyed Solomon's temple, grabbed a whole bunch of Hebrews, and dragged them all back to Babylon (this is known as the "Babylonian Captivity."  Duh.).  He's featured in a few books of the Bible: Kings, Esther, Jeremiah (who was not a bullfrog and not a good friend of mine), Daniel, and the lesser-known Schlomo.

    He got a bad rap, deservedly so, as the nuns made us play "Pin

"But, not before ten rosaries, ye cheeky scamps."

the Tail on Nebuchadnezzar" before we were allowed to go to Bingo.

    Babylon pretty much ruled the roost for that region of the world, even Egypt (because the aliens and their spaceships had already left).  

Wrong aliens

    The Babylonians led the way in improved farming, lawmaking, education, mathematics, phrenology, interpretive dance, origami, cake-decorating, clogging, haberdashery, ice sculpture, charades, flower arrangements, beheading, writing (sure, why not?), and statues of half-men/half-lions.  

    Or bulls.  Or eagles.  Whatever.

"I don't know animals."

    Eventually, though, Babylon declined and fell around 540 BC (give or take a hundred years) when they left the front gate of the city unlocked and a whole bunch of Achaemenids wandered in and trashed the joint.  

The Babylonians
Never able to shave with hooves or buy pants with four legs.

    The Achaemenids, also known as Persians (who were the ancestors of, you guessed it, Iranians), were lead by Cyrus the Great, a real mover and shaker himself.  Eventually, Cyrus, Darius, Xerxes, and a whole bunch of crazies would run amok in that region of the world.  They would also threaten the nascent civilizations of the Western World, most notably Greece.

Meanwhile, in China...

    But, that's another story.

    Anyway, that's pretty much all I can remember about the Babylonian Empire.  They were a pretty big deal, evidently, but it was difficult to keep track of all the loinclothed players so early in the school year.  Besides, that's probably all you need (or, most importantly, want) to know.  

    After all, no one wants to hear me babble on.

   

See what I did there, yo?

Next time: The Assyrians.  Beheading people before beheading people was cool.