History of the World-Babble On

When I sat down to write this evening, I wanted to address the tragedy unfolding in Ukraine.  Then I realized there honestly is little of value I could add to the never-ending parade of bad news (frankly, do I ever?).  You've heard it, you'll continue to hear it, so why should I add to your burden?  After all, you come to Blogger for quality entertainment.  Which begs the question, what the hell are you doing here?  So, instead, I decided to carry on with this nonsense, if for no other reason that it will temporarily take your minds off the prospect of a Third World War.

********

NOTE:
  I'll continue to post this disclaimer.  The past several posts and who-knows-how-many-to-come are merely what I can remember from the Penguin Academy of Our Lady of Barnum Avenue and History Class at Stratford High School while growing up older in Connecticut.  I will research some specifics, mostly dates and the most obscure of names, and I'll try to place historical events in their proper historical context.  Meaning, I won't have the Aztecs land on the moon.  Or...did they?  Anyway, please don't use any of this nonsense to prepare for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  Or Joe Biden.  Especially if you sniff their hair.


Cradle of Crazy

Sucky Map.
Don't Use.

Yeah, that's more like it.

    When I sat down to write this week's "History of the World" segment on the civilization of Babylon, I realized I didn't know a whole lot about it.  I may have been absent the day the nuns taught it or I may not have been paying attention (my money's on the latter).

   What I can remember is that, around 2,000 B.C.  (give or take a hundred years…go ahead…count),  Babylon rose in the Fertile Crescent (land of the Fertile Crescent rolls-I believe we've already covered that) in what is now present-day Iraq (yeah, that Iraq).      

    Situated on the Euphrates River...or is that Tigris? (Seriously, who cares?), it grew to be a regional superpower (only because the Chinese were inventing gunpowder, the Russians were trying to figure out how to get drunk on potatoes, and the Americans hadn't been invented yet.).

    I knew there was a big shot called Hammurabi (or
"What should the penalty be for stealing?"
"Cut his hand off."
"Lying?"
"Cut his tongue off."
"Sneezing without a Kleenex?"
"Cut his nose off."
"Adultery?"
"Seriously?"
Hamburgerabi, as Chris Martin calls him).  He created what is called the "Code of Hammurabi" (the dude sounded like a stuck-up jerk to me).  This formed the basis of our legal system which was furthered developed in the Roman Twelve Tables, the Code of Justinian, the Magna Carta, Constitution, Rock, Paper, Scissors, and rules for Monopoly.  Sure, there's others, but we're not talking about them.  Let's get back to Babylon, shall we? 

    Oh, wait.  I'M the one who went off on a tangent.  Never mind.




Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
Brought to you by Nebuchadnezzar.
And the Nineveh Home Depot.
You can build it.  They can help.
    There was also another high roller called Nebucchadnezzar, who is known as the greatest king of Babylon (take that, Hammurabi).  He built one of the seven Wonders of the Ancient World.  Although, like five of the other wonders of the ancient world, it no longer exists.  
    So, we're going to have to take it on faith that it was pretty sweet.


The only one which still exists is the Great Pyramid of Giza.
Not to be confused with the So-So Pyramids of Giza.
It was built in Ancient Egypt.
Where they married their sisters.
Coincidence?

   
"Trust me.  I saw it on the Internet. 
Of course, I'm dead so..."


      King Nebuchadnezzar is also the guy who invaded Judah, 
Daniel.
Also an Elton John song.
Unrelated.
Probably.
destroyed Solomon's temple, grabbed a whole bunch of Hebrews, and dragged them all back to Babylon (this is known as the "Babylonian Captivity."  Duh.).  He's featured in a few books of the Bible: Kings, Esther, Jeremiah (who was not a bullfrog and not a good friend of mine), Daniel, and the lesser-known Schlomo.

    He got a bad rap, deservedly so, as the nuns made us play "Pin
"But, not before ten rosaries, ye cheeky scamps."
the Tail on Nebuchadnezzar" before we were allowed to go to Bingo.

    Babylon pretty much ruled the roost for that region of the world, even Egypt (because the aliens and their spaceships had already left).  



Wrong aliens

    The Babylonians led the way in improved farming, lawmaking, education, mathematics, phrenology, interpretive dance, origami, cake-decorating, clogging, haberdashery, ice sculpture, charades, flower arrangements, beheading, writing (sure, why not?), and statues of half-men/half-lions.  

    Or bulls.  Or eagles.  Whatever.

"I don't know animals."

    Eventually, though, Babylon declined and fell around 540 BC (give or take a hundred years) when they left the front gate of the city unlocked and a whole bunch of Achaemenids wandered in and trashed the joint.  

The Babylonians
Never able to shave with hooves or buy pants with four legs.

    The Achaemenids, also known as Persians (who were the ancestors of, you guessed it, Iranians), were lead by Cyrus the Great, a real mover and shaker himself.  Eventually, Cyrus, Darius, Xerxes, and a whole bunch of crazies would run amok in that region of the world.  They would also threaten the nascent civilizations of the Western World, most notably Greece.

Meanwhile, in China...

    But, that's another story.

    Anyway, that's pretty much all I can remember about the Babylonian Empire.  They were a pretty big deal, evidently, but it was difficult to keep track of all the loinclothed players so early in the school year.  Besides, that's probably all you need (or, most importantly, want) to know.  

    After all, no one wants to hear me babble on.
   
See what I did there, yo?

Next time: The Assyrians.  Beheading people before beheading people was cool.
   



19 comments:

  1. That's an AWFUL lot of rosaries...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He was a bad dude, apparently.

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    2. I was going to mention (since I'm one of those pain-in-the-butt sticklers for semi accuracy) that Assyria came before Babylon, Nebuchadnezzar version. But then saw I already commented on this post and forgot it then. Sp forget it now. Hell, if I'd gotten that opening beer for the night, I might have missed it altogether. Along with the post...

      Delete
    3. Yeah, I seem to recall that Nebuchadnezzar was later than the Assyrians. From what I can remember, there was an earlier Babylonian civilization before there was a later one. As we'll get into, the Hebrew civilization was all over the place. I could research, I suppose, but that would be too much work. I'm just flying by the seat of my pants which is why nobody should confuse this nonsense with a scholarly tome. I hope you notice I left in giving you credit for Hamburgerabi...lol.

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    4. I certainly did! Don't feel bad about not having one drunken duck in the row. Two weeks ago, Pastor David Jeremiah was describing the Assyrians while talking about the Babylonians, so you're in good company.

      Delete
  2. You've been having entirely too much fun with your history lessons. Kids would get a kick out of your interpretations, but I'm thinking you don't get called upon too often as a substitute teacher... :)

    Fun stuff! Keep it coming.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Funny you should say that. Growing up, I wanted to be a History teacher. I joined the Navy after high school so I could get the GI Bill and go to college to get certified as a teacher. 27 years later...
      Anyway, the first five years after I retired, I WAS a substitute teacher and my favorite classes to sub in were, you guessed it, history classes. My presentations were very similar to what you read above (of course, I gave the kids facts, not the type of nonsense you see here). I had a ball.
      My favorite classes were on Columbus and the Battle of Bull Run.

      Delete
    2. Very cool! I subbed for a few years, too, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I bet your history students loved you!

      Delete
  3. One way to stop crime permanently. Just chop off the appendage that did it. Gotta love those alien architects too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I doubt how much fertile it is anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I want to hear more about the aliens...

    ReplyDelete
  6. My wish come true: home depot sold Hanging Gardens of Babylon....

    Have a wonderful Sunday

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you for noting the racist lingo that is "black sea."
    You made me laugh. You always do.
    Can't wait to read about those ASSyrians.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And asses they were. My post about the Hebrews will pop close to Passover, which I think is quite fortuitous. I was discussing our Seder this evening with my girlfriend. We're looking to have it at my cousin's house with his family and my kids and their spouses. Looking forward to it.

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    2. I'm actually happy you noticed the "Black Sea" reference. THAT made ME laugh!

      Delete

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