Penwasser Place: "H" is For "Hector"

"H" is For "Hector"

Seems pretty badass to me. Even with a skirt.

The following post for the letter “H” describes a person who may not even existed, as he plays a pretty significant part in Greek mythology. Then again, his story was in a Hollywood movie. Since everyone knows that Hollywood never lies, it must be true, right?

As described by Homer in his epic, the Iliad, Hector was a Trojan prince of...uh...Troy (try to keep up), a city in western Asia Minor.

Wrong Homer

Correct Homer

According to legend, during a state visit to Sparta in the 12^th (or 13th) century BC (BCE, to you politically-correct ninnies), Hector’s brother, Paris, stole King Menelaus' wife, Helen. Most of the Trojans there were satisfied with just taking the towels or even some of the silverware, but Paris got a little piggy about it.

"Power of Boners. amirite?"

Vowing to get her back since she was reportedly drop-dead gorgeous (especially when compared to sheep), the Spartans, along with a lot of Greek allies, started a war with Troy. It was called the Trojan War (makes sense, amirite?).

Since Hector was son of the Trojan king, Priam, it only made sense that he be involved in any heavy fighting.

"What the hell did you just say?"

Paris, according to the movie, was a bit of a puss. However, in real life, he was a pretty decent fighter.

"Naw, he was a puss."

One of the Greeks’ best fighters was a man named Achilles. He was supposedly son of a god and human mother.

Or the other way around. I didn’t research it. This is about Hector, after all, and I’ve already written about ‘A.’

Whatever he was, Achilles was apparently a bit of a moody prick. He came to Troy to fight, but then he became a prima-donna and refused to do so, preferring instead to bang cocktail waitresses two and three at a time.

"I respect that."

However, he was butt buddies (after all, we’re talking Greece here) with a man named Patroclus. The movie “Troy” would have us believe that he wore Achilles’ armor as some sort of fan service. But, from what I read, Achilles actually asked him to wear his armor.

In any case, Patroclus got all full of himself and challenged Hector, who thought he was Achilles, to a fight. A fight which Hector won.

"Mothefu...where'd his armor go?""

Once Hector realized it was a tragic case of mistaken identity, he wanted to make nice. But ~~Brad Pitt~~ Achilles would have nothing to do with some punk-ass explanation.

He then fought Hector outside the city walls. Even though it was hard fought, Achilles won when he rammed his sword into Hector’s throat.

Tell me this doesn't look like some ad for the WWE.
"Two Men Would Fight, One Would Get a Sword in the Throat!"

Even with Hector’s death, Achilles was so ticked off over the death of Patroclus that he dragged Hector’s corpse around the city behind his chariot. Yeah, dick move.

Eventually, after twelve days, he granted Priam’s request that his son’s body be turned back over to him. You can imagine what shape that thing must have been in.