FULL DISCLOSURE: I was raised a Catholic and was even an altar boy for four years. However, I'm married to a Jewish girl. Before that, I was married to a Presbyterian girl. And before that, I was married to another Jewish girl. Anyway, the following may offend the deeply religious and people who just like to be offended no matter what the reason. In any case, if that describes you, you may wish to move along...
Three wives.
You know, I'm not much to look at, but apparently I'm a playa.
Or I meet women with horrendous taste in men.
My daughter loves to watch “Ghost
Adventures.”
For those who have lives, “Ghost Adventures”
is a program on the Travel Channel (Travel
Channel??) that purports to show what the “living-challenged” are like.
Oh, sure, some of you may smugly think you
know everything there is to know about ghosts.
You’ve seen Casper cartoons, watched Bill Murray in “Ghostbusters,” and
thought Patrick Swayze was the hottest spook you have ever seen.
Unless you're old enough to remember this spook.
In that case, it's time to schedule a colonoscopy.
Poor Taste Department: Of course as we all know, Patrick Swayze has since become a ghost.
Anyway, “Ghost Adventures” follows
the...uh...adventures of Zak Bagans and his two sidekicks as
they crawl around supposedly haunted places in the middle of the night (never in broad daylight. I think that’s a law or something). Using state of the art equipment, cheesy
goatees, and panicked gasps of “Dude!”, they try to convince us that
mouse farts are, in reality, calls from beyond the grave.
Zak Bagans
He of the big biceps
Sometimes I watch the show with her just to make fun of it and poke her in the side screaming, “Boo!” Our favorite episode was when the boys visited the abandoned Remington Arms factory in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
For those of you unfortunate enough to be traveling through Bridgeport, you can see the factory just before you disappear in a pothole on I-95. The reason I liked that particular show was that, since my personality was forged in that cauldron of urban decay, I recognized that area.
Which is why I moved very far away from that area.
I had to laugh at Zak and company. Even though they tried to impress upon us that their immortal souls were in danger, they were actually safer locked inside.
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| I'm not saying Bridgeport is dangerous, but even the birds carry guns. |
The more I thought about the idea of ghosts, the more I thought...what do people do to get rid of them (especially if they’re stupid enough to build a house over an Indian graveyard. Always Indian, never Amish)?
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| "Because we'd totally fuck you English up. Then, build a barn on top of your corpse." |
For instance, are Catholics the only ones allowed to be exorcists?
But, what happens if a priest wasn’t
available and you had to call in, say, a Lutheran?
OK, raise your hands. How many think a demon would be intimidated
by a Lutheran? That’s right, any
self-respecting spawn of Satan would just yawn and put up drapes.
I would think a call would need to be made for a Catholic priest.
Sorta like a Vatican Batman.
Who’d then sprinkle some holy water on the sofa, say a few “Be gone from this holy place, foul demon!” incantations, and hand out some Bingo cards.
Then, after all that-voila!-no more demon!
It couldn’t be that simple, though.
Certainly, there’d have to be Jewish ghosts. Would a Catholic work then? A crucifix would have no effect on a Yiddish evil spirit, I’m sure. Maybe a Star of David?
I would think for a Jewish ghost, you’d need
a rabbi. Imagine that....
“So, Mr. Fancy-pants, you think you’re so
special you can come in here and terrorize these nice people? Stop being such a big shot, get your coat, and
scram, schmuck. And don’t forget to wipe your feet.”
Plus, what about Muslim ghosts? How would even know your ghost was a
Muslim? Would you have a shoe thrown at
your head in the middle of the night?
"Begone from this place, infidel demon!"
Or wake up missing your head?
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| "It's how we roll." |
How ‘bout Mormon ghosts? I wouldn’t think that’d be so bad. They’d probably only possess your bicycles.
 |
| "Not to worry. I got this." |
Finally, how would you get rid of an atheist ghost? Surely there have to be some. Maybe all you’d need to say is, “You don’t believe in me? Well, I don’t believe in you. Swear to God.” Problem solved.
Just to be on the safe side, better keep the Vatican on speed dial, though.
NOTE: please forgive my earlier use of the term "spook." Apparently...
