Blast From the Past-Narwhal

 As I prepare for next month's A-Z Challenge, I realize that I don't have a lot of time to write new posts for March.  Therefore, I've decided to dig into posts from years ago.  This is an entry I submitted to the 2013 A-Z Challenge.  Ahhhh, sweet 2013!  When my hair was mostly brown and everything still worked!

Enjoy (?) 

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Narwhal

Sources:  Wikipedia, National Geographic, a sixth-grader named Stewart

"Hey, what're these tusk-like thingies for?" 
"I dunno.  Spear fish, maybe?" 
"Well, that's just idiotic. How TF we supposed to get them off?  Or do we just swim around like idiots with rotting fish on our tusks?" 
"Then maybe we use them to just fight...?"
"Exactly.  What say we go eff up some of them fat-ass walruses?" 

 

  The narwhal or narwhale (according to Stewart) belong to the species Monodon Monoceros (Latin for “Watch Out, This Bitch Gets Mono”).

  It’s a medium-sized whale 

Not unlike...

which lives year-round in the Arctic (after its distant relatives, the manatees, kicked them out of Tampa for eating all the fish and goosing snorkelers).

  One of two species of whale in the Monodontidae (there’s that ‘mono’ word again) family, along with the beluga whale (who knew?), they are distinguished by being punier than their snotty cousins, the sperm whale.

Who have no reason to cop an attitude. 
Given their name and all.

  In addition to the lack of a true dorsal fin, they possess a characteristic long tusk which extends from a hole in their upper lip.  Primarily a male feature,

As if a penis wasn't a dead giveaway

they aren’t actually “tusks” at all, but some kind of weird-ass tooth.  And you thought the “Elephant Man” had issues.

"I am not an animal. 
I'm fairly confident they are, though."

  Evidently-drunk medieval Europeans confused this tusk as the horn belonging to the legendary unicorn.  What’s more, they believed it had magical powers which could cure melancholy, poison, plague, and the Moors.  But, since Europeans also believed that trolls caused genital herpes, it’s kind of hard to take them seriously.

"No.  That would be the elves.  Sheesh."

  The purpose for this narwhallic snaggle-tooth (I just made that term up) remains a mystery.  Differing theories hold that it may have something to do with mating, breaking through dense pack ice, capturing prey, scratching the itch of friendly sea lions, or for advertising.  Although, most reputable biologists now refute its use for catching food.

"Way ahead of you.  We already decided that would be dumb AF."

  These creatures are found in Canadian, Russian, and Greenland Arctic waters, and Seaworld.

Not to mention "Elf."

  A specialized predator, their diet consists primarily of benthic fish (NOTE: I have no clue what that means. Feel free to look it up).

  Narwhal have been hunted for millennia by native Inuit people (the Polynesians having decided that the Arctic was no place for grass skirts) for their meat, ivory, skin, blubber, and as conversation pieces for igloo coffee tables.  However, this practice has dwindled due primarily to a shrinking herd, conservation efforts, evolving cultural practices, and the fact that Dominos now delivers to the North Pole.

  Other predators include killer whales (which aren’t whales at all, but particularly bad-ass dolphins), polar bears, and the occasional confused mountain lion.

  The narwhal. 

  Master of the Northern Ocean, Denizen of the Deep, Bucktoothed Whipping Boy of the Whale World, Scourge of Benthic Fish  

  In other words, as the native Qaanaaq say, “Nanooq lamooq na attatook hanni boof”?

  Or, “Beast In Front Of Whom You Must Never Bend Over.”

 

"Betcher ass.  No pun intended."

DISCLAIMER: A lot of the above is probably not true.  Especially that “nanooq” business.  But, trolls got a bum rap.  Elves probably do cause herpes.  According to Sister Mary Gregory of the Titanium Yardstick.

"Amen.  Now, knuckles if ye please."