History of the World-Hail Caesar!

 NOTE:  I'll continue to post this disclaimer, even though it's been like forever since I posted anything pertaining to the history of the world.  Still...this, and the ones which preceded it, are merely what I can remember from Our Lady of Barnum Avenue and history class at Stratford High School.  I'll research some specifics, mostly dates and the most obscure of names (not for this one, though.  Because screw it), and I'll try to place historical events in their proper historical context.  Meaning, I won't have the Aztecs land on the moon.  Or...did they?  Trust me, some of this is true; however, don't use any of this nonsense to prepare for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Joe Biden, or Sheila Jackson Lee.  Basically, I'm going without a net.  So, without further adieu (French word)... 

Hail Caesar!

    Sometime in the first century B.C., Julius Caesar had thrown his hat and olive wreath in the ring (using the slogan MRGA, "Make Rome Great Again") as undisputed leader of the Roman Republic.

NOTE:  As I believe I've mentioned before, I will continue to use the "B.C./A.D." convention instead of that goofy-ass, politically-correct "B.C.E./C.E." one.  Because...it...means...the...same...damn...thing.  Fight me.

    I don't know the exact year, mind you, but guarantee it was before 44 B.C., the year when Ole Julius was ventilated by a group of Roman Senators who were pretty hacked off that he had acted as a dictator.

"Uh, oh."

    Of course, what they didn't know was that their action would ultimately lead to Caesar's adopted nephew, Roddy McDowall Octavian, declaring himself "Princeps" which basically means "emperor."

"Yeah, way to go, Brutus.  Dumbass."

    Anyway, once Julius crossed over the Rubicon River with his legions, a state of civil war existed in the Republic.

Wrong Republic

    So, the esteemed fathers of the Roman Senate called the most famous general in all the land to stop the troublemaker, Pompey the Great (who was actually known as "Pompey the Limp" by Mrs. Pompey).

"Trust me, this likeness doesn't do me justice.  I look positively stoned."

     Caesar and Pompey fought like cats and dogs as Rome erupted into civil war.  After the fiercely fought battle of...Pharsalus...in Greece? (remember, I'm not looking anything up), Pompey fled to Egypt where he hoped to find friends in his struggles against his rival.  Well, that, and take a tour of the pyramids, which were wicked old even then.

    You know, like Keith Richards.

    Well, when Pompey walked ashore, he was promptly beheaded by Egyptians who mistakenly thought he was an American.  They also hoped to curry favor with the presumptive new leader of Rome.

"Here you are, Dominus, the head of your rival, Pompey."
"Hey, Lou, he doesn't look too happy."
"Maybe if I close my eyes, he'll go away."

    Observation:  Backstabbing and beheadings had been going on in that region of the world for thousands of years, apparently.

    Well, wouldn't you know it, instead of high-fiving, back slaps, and passing out "All-You-Can-Boink" tickets to the next Roman orgy, Caesar executed every Egyptian responsible for murdering Pompey.

    As he explained it, (and I paraphrase), "What do you think gives you creatures the right to execute a Roman citizen?  Only another Roman can do that."

    Okay, this is the part where I apply the lessons of history to today...wouldn't it be something if an American president said the same thing to someone who murders an American citizen?

    After all was said and done, Caesar, having won the war, returned to Rome where he...well you know what happened.

    And it wasn't inventing Caesar Salad, that's for sure.