Happy Passover

      A good lot of you have already celebrated Easter.  Like weeks ago.  

"Weeks ago!?  You should have told me, Mr. Great Pumpkin!  No joke."

    Yes, yes, I know, for some reason Orthodox Easter is still to come on May 5th, but I'm talking Easter Bunny Easter.  That Easter has been over for quite a while.  If you doubt that, you don't see chocolate bunnies at the grocery store, do you?  Also, if you doubt that, you're an idiot.

"What?  Even the Peeps?  Man, that sucks."
"Nice hat, though."
"Well, it's cold, but thank you."

     Recognized by Christians worldwide as the most sacred day in the year, Easter is a time to reflect on the passion, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, a carpenter's son from Nazareth.

     But, hey, did you know (okay most do), that Jesus was a rabbi?  That He, along with His followers, was in Jerusalem to celebrate Passover, one of the most sacred days of the Jewish calendar?

    No, he wasn't Catholic, despite what Sister Mary Gregory of the Titanium Yardstick tried to beat into you.

     In fact, the Last Supper was actually a Passover Seder.

"Now just wait one damn minute, I think this is a chick."
"Well, she smells nice."
"Whatever.  Can I order a BLT?"
"Not until Sunday!  Jesus!"
"What?"

     To further blow your mind, the word "Easter" is derived from "Pesach" which is derived from "Passover."  Exactly why, where, how, what I don't feel like looking up right now.  Just trust me.  It's true.

     No, despite what Cecil B. De Mille would have you believe (if he wasn't dead), The Ten Commandments, while playing on ABC annually on Easter Night (God knows-no pun intended-when or where it's on now) is not an Easter movie.

     King of Kings?  Yeah.  The Robe?  Okay.  Ben-Hur?  Sure.  Ben Gay?

     But, The Ten Commandments?  Oy.     

     Passover is a Jewish (I think we've already covered that) celebration which commemorates the exodus (so THAT explains the book) of the Hebrews from Egypt, way back when Keith Richards was a  teenager.

     They were led by Charlton Heston, who if he’d only kept his trap shut, could have eventually become Pharaoh (or at least Vice-Pharaoh) and freed the slaves.  Along the way, he could also have bagged the hot Nefertiri (not to be confused with ‘Nefertiti.’  Who was in The Mummy.  But, she was hot, too).  Then, Ramses (aka Yul Brynner), inventor of the prophylactic, wouldn’t have donned the royal loincloth and bedded Anne Baxter.

Nipples not photo-shopped out. 
I know you zoomed. 
NOTE:  I made this "Extra Large."  You're welcome.

     But, noooooo, Moses just had to schlep out into the desert, raise some sheep, marry a shepherd chick, open the Midian chapter of the NRA, and meet God (who did not look like George Burns).

 

Gotta admit, Lily Munster cleans up pretty nice. 
She's no Nefertiri, though.

     Moses, heeding a divine call, decided to go back to Egypt to free the slaves.  Imagine Ramses’ chagrin when the “Big Mo” barged into meetings of the Pyramid Planning Commission, waved his stick around (double entendre intended), and ordered his BFF, Aaron, to turn goats into chickens.  And grass stains into dazzling whites.

"Nice beard."
"Nice babushka.  I'm gonna send you Trump, you know."

     Moses warned that a series of plagues would be visited on Egypt: frogs, locusts, boils (eww), bloody water, Donald Trump, irritable bowel syndrome (double eww), etc.  Each were meant to convince Yul Pharaoh to “let the people go.” 

"And I must tell you, my great-great-great-great-great-oh he was so greatgrandfather Imhotrumptekkhennaten designed the most excellent, if not breathtaking, of pyramids which were nothing like those loser pyramids in Central America-much better than that ridiculous step pyramid designed by a previous administration's builder, to be sure-present in all the world not unlike a thing of massive beauty to behold that have withstood the test of Time, Newseek, or any of the other fake news publications which seek to bring America down even though our great country had not yet
been invented."

     They were actually starting to work, too, until Ramses looked at the latest Gallup poll numbers.  Figuring he had to satisfy his “pro-slavery” base, his heart was hardened and he called the whole deal off.

     Moses eventually had enough of this crap.  He told Ramses that the first-born of Egypt would be slain in punishment for enslaving his people.  This included (cue dramatic music) the Pharaoh’s own son!

     NOTE:  I think this was true, at least according to the movie.  The film industry was pretty truthful sixty years ago.  Even though I still didn't think monkeys could fly, Hollywood wouldn't lie to me.

     The Hebrews, feeling pretty damned cocky, painted sheep blood over their doors.  They felt quite safe that death would “pass” them “over.”  (Get it now?).  Mostly because Death got wicked skeeved at the sight of blood.

     So, they hung out while the “Destroyer” (depicted by a red cloud.  Special effects were kinda cheesy back before Industrial Light and Magic) went door to door seeking out Egyptians who won a lottery they hadn't reckoned on.

"Hey, you see that red cloud going door to door?
Should we follow it?"
"Couldn't hurt."

      The Hebrews sang songs, prayed prayers, and ate unleavened bread called "matzah" (because Dominos stopped delivering at 10).

"Then, when we're done, we can play a little game of 'Old Testament Yahtzee.' 
Would you like that?"

     When the day dawned and Ramses saw the mess (“Now, we’ll never get that blood out!”), he ordered Moses to pack up his shit and get the hell out.

     NOTE:  Ramses may not have said ‘shit.’

     So, Moses jumped for Joy (his sister-in-law) and convinced everybody to pack their toothbrushes and change of underwear.  He wasn’t exactly sure where they'd be going, though.  Unfortunately, Aaron had turned his map into an origami whooping crane.

"We should be headed here.  I think.  Damn Aaron."

     Bottom line, the Hebrews finally left Egypt.  Along the way, the Egyptian Army went for a one-way dip in the Red Sea, Edward G. Robinson talked a lot of smack, Aaron was forced to make some seriously effed-up looking calf, they all got jiggy with their bad selves at the base of Mount Sinai, Moses saw a wicked cool light show on the mountain, and had bread fall out of the sky for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (“So would it kill God to send us a nice brisket?”). 

"Yeah, see, Dathan doesn't think he's miscast, see?"

     They were finally allowed to enter the Promised Land after 40 years (the prior tenants had a wicked long-term lease).

     Since I’m sure I've put you to sleep by now, let me finish by saying that Moses wasn’t even allowed to enter with the rest of his people (he didn’t get his wrist stamped). 

     He had to watch while Joshua (played in the movie by John Derek.  Before he married Bo and died) led his people into...Canaan?  

At any rate, someplace the Iranians would get all hacked off about eventually.

     I think it had something to do with smacking a rock to get water.  Which was a mistake.    

     Because, as we all know, paper, not water, covers rock.     Now, since I'm probably in hot water with Christians, Jews, and more than likely Muslims, I'd better start packing for Purgatory.

     I'm sure I'll be spending a lot of time there.

     At least that's what Sister Mary Gregory said.