The Adultery Song

Happy New Year!

 

    I had planned a series of holiday-themed blog posts as we slid towards 2024 (which I, sadly, predict will be a shitshow of a year.  Hope I’m wrong, but…).  However, it was not to be as I was gripped in a very busy schedule of sitting on my expanding keister, eating trail mix (with M&Ms!), and watching Netflix. 

"Shitshow it may be but I promise that it will be the greatest shitshow known to man, especially since I will be its leading star and will provide you with only the highest quality of shit known to man even if it comes from Sleepy Joe's diapers which, quite frankly, is nothing that I would ever consent to wear because they don't come in orange and besides who is a much better choice as the Republican nominee than me because Sanctimonious is only, what?, five ten and makes me marvel that they can stack shit that high." 

    So, to those who looked forward to me waxing poetic, my apologies.  Incidentally, you should seek psychological help immediately.

    I did consider giving you my opinion on the various holiday songs out there.  But, since it’s now January, I’ll hold off for another eleven months.  

    In other words, you’ll need to be patient to find out why songs such as I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus give me the creeps.

Insert "blowing" for "kissing" and you'll know why it gives me the creeps.

    In a related vein, though, I’ll take this opportunity to discuss my all-time least favorite song, which is not Christmas-related:  The Pina Colada Song.

Which is actually called Escape.  Who knew?

    Oh, I know, most of you probably love this thing.  If radio airtime is any indicator, countless others also agree it’s a smash.  Whether on the radio or in movies such as Grownups, Rupert Holmes breezy little ditty is quite popular.

Which is a movie for which I don't particular care. 
And not just because Adam Sandler is in it. 
Okay, it's because Adam Sandler is in it. 
 I don't like Adam Sandler. 
I said what I said.

    Well, it’s not popular with me.  I have to ask those of you who may disagree:  have you ever listened to the lyrics?  If so, can you draw any conclusions?  If you did, you’d know that it’s not a sappy little tune with oh-so-cute lyrics

    Whenever I hear its opening bits, I immediately shut it off and go off in search of anything, Rap, PBS, Gospel music, static...anything.

Gregorian chants will do in a pinch

    I call it the Adultery Song.

    Think about it.  In the beginning, the singer is bitching about how humdrum his life has become so he looks at a personals ad while his wife snores next to him.

    Intrigued by the possibilities of one in particular (which mentions drinking pina coladas…hee, hee, hee), he pens a reply with the intention of setting up a rendezvous with a potential paramour.

   He finally makes his escape (ohhhhhhhhhh, "escape."  Now I get it!) to a place called O’Malley’s, a bar which I’m sure smells like Old Spice, Jean Nate, and middle-aged desperation.  Only to find his wife sitting there.  Whaddya know?  She was the one who placed the original ad.

"Hey there, sailor, new in town?"

   Oh, my!  What fun!  What a smashing bit of hilarity!  His wife was just as miserable as he!  But, joy, oh blissful joy!  They both like drinking pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, something to do with dunes, and making love at midnight.

    At least that’s what he said.  There could only be three explanations:  1.  He genuinely likes all of that crap, 2.  He’d say anything if it’d get him laid, or 3.  He desperately wanted to avoid having his penis sliced off by who quite frankly was looking to do a little of the wild thing herself.

    Neither one of them was pissed off!

    If you come right down to it, the both of them are pretty pathetic.  Instead of working on themselves, they both turned to a personals ad in search of excitement and mixed drinks.

    Instead of laughing it off, why the two of them don’t walk out of the gin joint in a huff and immediately seek divorce lawyers is beyond me.

    What’s worse? I actually like pina coladas.

But, I'm staying right here.  It's raining outside.  Plus, it's dark at midnight.