Happy Easter!

 

"You mean we're still on the Julian calendar? 
I gotta wait another frikkin' week??"

    Okay, I realize this is wildly blasphemous.

"That it is, boyo, that it is.  Knuckles if ye, please."

*************************

    I know what you're thinking.  Easter!?  Didn't that already happen?  Doesn’t  Ken know how to read a calendar?  Or has he lost his mind? 

 

   Well...yes (mostly), kinda (as long as it has funny pictures), and no (well, not here, anyway).

 

    Believe it or not, there are other Christians out there besides Roman Catholics, Baptists, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Mormons, Joel Osteen, Methodists, Quakers, Quaker Oats, Congregationalists, Lutherans, Lex Lutherans, Calvinists, Calvin and Hobbists....okay, now I'm getting silly.

 

   

    Told you.

    My point is that other branches of the same tree don't celebrate Easter on the same day that the rest of us and Walmart do.  These folks are adherents of what are called the Orthodox or Eastern Orthodox faiths.  Whether Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, or Romanian Orthodox Episcopate (I never knew there was such a thing...thank you, Internet!).

 

    These people observe Easter in accordance with the Julian Calendar, which means that the two days have never coincided (I could check, but I don't feel like it).  To my knowledge, Orthodox Easter usually falls after Easter Bunny Easter, not before (once again, I could check.  Don't feel like it).

 

NOTE:  This is the part when I rely on what I can remember from History Class at the Penguin Academy.  Don't use the knowledge herein to take a History Advance Placement test, though.  If you do, people will think you're a moron.  Which is pretty much how the rest of the country views Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

 

    The Julian calendar was designed by Julius Caesar (surprise!) many years before the birth of Christ.  Apparently, Julius wanted to be known for more than birthing procedures, salads and Julienne Fries (this is probably not true).  He wanted the calendar to more accurately reflect the seasons since what the Romans used (i.e., entrails of an owl) didn't account for the fact that it could snow during beach season.  Frankly, Julius should have also inserted a "save the date" for the Ides of March:  "Stay indoors."

 

    But, I digress.

 

    Anyway, this calendar was used throughout the Christian world for hundreds of years (while the Chinese were inventing gunpowder) until that know-it-all, Pope Gregory XVII (some Roman number…whatever), decided that the calendar designed by the perforated dead dictator sucked.  So, he decided to make his own calendar, which he called the "Gregorian Calendar" (surprise!  Try and keep up) in 1582 A.D.

 

NOTE:  I use the "BC/AD" convention rather than goofy politically correct "BCE/CE" one.  Because screw anyone who doesn't like it.

 

   But, instead of gradually breaking the new system in, Greg just lopped eleven days off the calendar.  Just like that, October 4^th magically went to the 15^th.  Ta da!!  Kind of abrupt, to be sure, but let’s be frank, it was the 16^th century.  Most Europeans were digging around in the mud or dying of the plague and wouldn't know the difference anyway.

 

NOTE:  Yes, yes, I know.  The Black Plague mostly took place in the 14^th Century.  Would you have preferred I wrote, "Giving smallpox to Indians"?  Didn't think so.  Shut up.

ALSO NOTE:  Calling it the “Black” Plague may be racist.  Serious, who can tell anymore?  We’ve got dudes swimming against women nowadays .  And pictures of them on beer cans.  So, yeah, it’s probably racist.

 

  What this all meant was that, besides effing up Washington's birthday (look it up…I can't do everything for you), stubborn people would wind up observing events like Easter on different days.

"Still, your hats?  They're kickin'!"

"PFFFTTTTT!  Amateurs, amirite?"

    Actually, though?

 

   I think it’s because the Romanian Orthodox people just take advantage of the fact that Easter candy is on sale.

"You hear that?  Peeps are on sale! 
Oh, yeah, Happy Easter!"