History of the World-The Great Xerxes the Great Sequel

 Okay, I know I wrote "Xerxes the Swell" last post, but I thought this title was better.  Sue me. 

NOTE:  The following contains a lot of Persian and Greek words.  Most of which I didn’t make up.  Since they're all Greek to me.

NOTE II:  The following is true.  Mostly.  For example, I don’t think the Persians used “titty-twisters.”  I think they actually preferred “Indian Burns.”

  

Not to be confused with George Burns.
Yes, this is silly.  You're surprised?  New here?

NOTE:  I'll continue to post this disclaimer.  The past several posts and who-knows-how-many-posts to-come are what I can remember from Our Lady of Barnum Avenue and History Class at Stratford High School while growing up older in Connecticut.  I will research some specifics, mostly dates and the most obscure of names, and I'll try to place historical events in their proper historical context.  Meaning, I won't have the Aztecs land on the moon.  Or...did they?  Trust me, some of this is true (for example, the names and general gist of what happened); however, don't use any of this nonsense to prepare for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  Or Joe Biden.  Especially if you sniff their hair. 

  When last we met.....which was a few weeks ago.  Sorry.  Been busy....

    Darius the Great named his son, Xerxes, as his successor.  This was mostly because Xerxes was the son of the daughter of Cyrus the Great, Atossa the Great in Bed.  And because he threw paper when his older brother, Artobazan, threw rock. 

    Then, having finished construction of his tomb at Naqsh-e-Rostam, Darius made ready to invade Egypt.  As if the Egyptians weren’t icky enough with all that incest stuff, he was totally hacked off because their pyramids were much bigger than his ziggurats.  Apparently size mattered, even in the ancient world.

"Incest.  Not so bad if you keep it in the family."

    But, wouldn’t you know it, Darius died before the Susa AAA Office could finalize his Trip-Tiks and his reservation for a non-smoking room at the Saqqara Days Inn could be confirmed.

"Good thing he had that tomb built, amirite?"

    Almost immediately (by “almost immediately,” I mean “a year”), Xerxes the Great (“the Great” being passed down to him in the will) put down the revolts in Egypt.  And, for good measure, he decided to jump ugly with the Babylonians.  If only because he didn’t really trust the Husseins of Tikrit.

    In 484 B.C. (i.e., “Before Cable”), he outraged the Babylonians when he melted down the statue of “Marduk” (luckily the statue of “Marmaduke” was spared).  Either that or he farted on it.  The Greek historian, Herodotus, is unclear on this matter.  He may have been drunk.

    Outraged by this sacrilege, the people revolted in 484 B.C. and again in 482 B.C., when they remembered they were still pissed off.  However, Xerxes was able to put the Babylonian insurrection down, despite a strong opposition effort led by General Ubaratu Trump-Tammuz and his "MBGA (Make Babylon Great Again) movement.

    Because of this, Xerxes rejected his father’s title, King of Babylon.  Instead, he named himself “King of Persia,” “Great King,” “King of Kings,” “Sky King,” “King Creole,” “King Kong,” “Don King,” “Chicken a la King,” and “King of Nations.”

Unfortunately, he had to stop using 'King of Kings' after
Jeffrey Hunter filed a suit for copyright infringement.

     Wow, the cranky little dude really was full of himself, huh?

"Just look at all these damn piercings! 
You'd be cranky, too!"

    Meanwhile, as if there wasn’t enough on his plate, Xerxes took on the task started by his father:  punishing the Greeks for their interference with the Ionian Revolt (I don’t feel like looking it up, but it probably involved Ionians), the burning of Sardis, their victory at Marathon (yep, that’s where the long ass race came from.  Only without Kenyans), and for effing up his order of baklava.

And spraying Windex on the windshield of his chariot.

    From 483 B.C. onward, Xerxes prepared his expedition.  A channel was dug through the isthmus (NOTE: fancy word for “small strip of land between two bodies of water.”  Rhymes with “Christmas.”  Which hadn't been invented yet) of the peninsula of Mt. Athos, provisions (including granola, paraffin-coated matches, and sewing kits) were stored in the stations on the road through Thrace, and two pontoon bridges (known as “Xerxes Pontoon Bridges,” totally pissing off their designer, Leonard the Meek) were built across the Hellespont (which I sincerely hope was water).

    Soldiers of many nationalities made up the Persian army: Assyrians (getting their “freak” on), Phoenicians (who brought the alphabet and potato salad), Babylonians (who finally forgave Xerxes for that farting thing), Egyptians (who were so bored they started mummifying cats), and Jews (legal counsel to the Great King in all  matters pertaining to invasion).

     Setting out from Persepolis (after having to turn back because the damn Assyrians left the water running), Xerxes’ decided it would be quicker to go by way of the Hellespont.  But, only if there was a nice clean gas station along the way.

To shut the Phoenicians up.  They were such prissy Marys.

    Resisting the urge to fire back, “Yeah, as if YOU people ever wash your hands,” Xerxes grudgingly agreed.

    After all, they did bring the potato salad.

    The journey was an arduous affair, made even more so when they had to detour around construction of the “Death to America” monument and the fact that nobody remembered to bring the horses.

    Having grown weary of the many indignities suffered by his people at the hands of the Greeks, Xerxes prepared to invade the land of Zorba.  As if defeat at Marathon wasn’t bad enough, the Persians had gotten sick and tired of all that bouzouki music playing till all hours of the night.

  NOTE:  I realize “bouzoukis” are relatively modern musical instruments.  The ancient Greeks were actually content with simple stringed instruments and pulling on goat testicles when bursting into “100 Amphorae of Wine on the Wall.”  Besides, “bouzouki” sounds funnier than “lute.”

"Not invented yet?  DAFUQ? 
Where's my Windex?"

    Finally reaching the Hellespont, the strait of water which separated Asia from Europe (and crazy people from other crazy people), nobody remembered where they parked the pontoon bridges left the previous year.  

    Unfortunately, by the time they found them, a fierce storm (taking Chief Meteorologist Chip “Hurricane” Achaemenes completely by surprise) destroyed the only way to Thrace (NOTE:  this is in Greece.  I looked it up).

    In a fit of rage, Xerxes ordered the Hellespont whipped 300 times and had fetters thrown in the water.  Even though Ahmed Fetters swore he had nothing to do with the storm.

Oh, will you look at the time?  This thing has started to take on epic proportions so I think I'll close out for now.  I think I've tortured you enough.  Besides, I gotta pee.

Inside this time.

In a couple weeks (or so)..."The Great Xerxes the Great Sequel to the Sequel"...