History of the World-Xerxes the Swell

      As some of you know, I’m in the middle of writing a book.  Sure to be as big a commercial success as my others, I need to get Tony the Pony finished in time to be ignored by the Christmas Shopping public.

     After all, who do you think I am?  Robyn Engel?  Now there’s a talent.

     What all this means (thanks for asking) is that I don’t have a huge amount of time right now to devote to my blog.  After all, I may make a couple bucks in royalties from the book.  Whereas, Blogger doesn’t give me bumpkis.

     What this all really means is that I’m going to put forward what may seem familiar to some of you.  On the other hand, it may not.  Which begs the question, do you just come here for the pictures?  That’s actually okay.  It’s what I would do if I were you.

     So, without further adieu (French for “screwing around”) I present the following story about who is arguably one of ancient Persia’s greatest leaders, Xerxes the Swell. 

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Historical Xerxes

  

Sexy Xerxes in Chains

    Sure to be a future Easter classic, I just watched 300 on TNT.  It's the true (although, I doubt there were mutant rhinos there) story of 300 (that's where they get the title...duh) Spartans lead by King Leonidas against the evil Persians of...uh...Persia.

    You know, those crazy cats better known as Iranians.

    For almost two hours, the brave Spartans used sword, spear, and washboard abs against the best the Persians could fling at them.  It’s only after the treachery of some guy who would make Rob Reiner look attractive that the Greeks are defeated.

Mostly abs

    After I got over my initial disappointment that there was no nudity in this “Modified For TV” feature, I grew curious about Leonidas’ opponent, Xerxes.

     NOTE:  The theatrical, or HBO version (is it on HBO?  Don’t know) has plenty of nudity.  Including several shots of Lena Heady.  You may know her as “Cersei” from Game of Thrones.  She ain’t banging her brother here, though.

"Eff."

"Hey, don't sweat it. 
Have you seen Gerard Butler? 
Woof."

"Much obliged."

    Was he the most powerful individual in antiquity?  Did he hold sway over all the world, except for China, the Mafia, South America, the Eskimos, New Jersey, the Super Friends, George Soros, Batman, and your mom?  

Or did he show an inordinate interest in Leonidas' loincloth?

 

"Not that there's anything wrong with that."

    Since I’d been disappointed in Hollywood before (I really thought a man-and monkeys-could fly), I decided to do some digging.  Figuring a source which gave us dogs saying “I love you” and dancing babies couldn’t steer me wrong, I consulted the Internet.

    Xerxes the Great was born in 519 BC to Atossa and Darius the Great.  Both of his parents were descended from Achaemenes, but of different Achaemenid lines.  The source documents were pretty clear on that as they wanted to leave no doubt there was no incest hanky-panky going on (despite Lena Heady’s appearance). 

After all, they weren’t Egyptians.  If those people wanted kids with feet growing out of their foreheads, that was their business.  But, the Persians played it on the up and up.

"Nothing to see here. 
Move along. 
Smart-ass Persian."

    Anyway, Darius knew marrying a daughter of Cyrus the Great would certainly help his plan for kingship.  Plus, it would grease his application to the Nineveh Country Club.

    NOTE:  Apparently, the suffix “the Great” was a pretty big thing in ancient Persia.  Which was why Darius’ brother, Herschel the So-So, was never taken seriously.

Not Herschel
For entertainment purposes only.

    Anyway, Darius was all pissed at off at everyone, from Babylon to that guy who sold him those Kinoki foot pads.  But, he was most hacked off at the Greeks.  Who, besides having grass and a recipe for some kick-ass souvlaki, had some of the sweetest nude beaches in the Mediterranean. 

So, he made intense preparations to invade...Egypt.

Hey, I didn’t write this stuff.

However, Persian law (wasn’t he the boss?) dictated he name a successor.  I guess this was just in case he got whacked.  Or never wanted to leave Greek beaches.

Before doing so, he contracted with Gambino and Sons building contractors to build him a tomb.  After permits were finally approved once the Zoning Officer found the head of a camel in his bed, construction began at Naqsh-e Rostam (yeah, I’m not going to look it up, either).  

"Hey, nice tomb ya got here. 
Would be a shame if something was ta happen to it."

    

Freed from the stress of planning his final resting spot and picking out window treatments, Darius then named his son, Xerxes, as his successor.

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     Oops, will you look at the time?  I’d better get cracking on writing my book, don’tcha know?  We’ll have to continue our tale of Xerxes another time.

     Until then, go ahead and pre-order Tony the Pony.  Especially for someone you don’t like.