Of Pickle Juice, Two Face Gods, and Cow Dung

    As I sat down tonight, after growing tired of train wreck videos and constant political caterwauling on Tik Tok, I originally thought to write a serious essay about this event, that event, or the latest gaffe by the Turnip-in-Chief in the White House.

    However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the last week of the year should be something a little lighter than all that.  After all, 2021 was a depressing (with notable personal exceptions, mind you) twelve months.  Why go into its last week harping about the latest "Idiocy Du Jour?"

    After all, the spirit of Kwanzaa DEMANDS that I restrain myself.

    So, instead of a discussion of the origin of "God Bless You" (which I eventually will get to; just not this year), I decided to delve into the origins of the New Years celebrations.

    Therefore, for my last post of 2021...

 

                New Year's Eve is the final farewell to the year.  More than just uncontrolled drinking of everything from the finest champagne to that almost empty jar of pickle juice in the fridge, it's a time for us to reflect back on the past twelve months.  We take the opportunity to evaluate our successes and joys.

Or the wisdom of shoving a bottle rocket up our butts at the 4th of July picnic.

                Oh sure, New Year's Day is the actual holiday.  But, it's in the new year (hence the name, duh) and involves little more than antacid, aspirin, and resolutions to never drink again.  A resolve which will roughly last until Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

                I was surprised to learn (if Wikipedia is to be believed) that January 1st has been celebrated for more than 2,000 years.  Yeah, right?

                In 46 B.C., Julius Caesar, he of the salad,*  decreed that January 1st would be celebrated as the beginning of the year.  You see, January was named after the Roman god, Janus.  Janus was the god of doors and gates (he originally applied to be God of War instead of that showoff, Mars).

Also God of Candy Bars

                In addition to all that, Janus had two faces, one "looking forward" and one "looking back."  Caesar thought this made him the ideal candidate for the new year (looking back and looking forward is something we do to this day.  Ain't history cool?).

Wrong Two Face

That's better.
"HEY! WOULD IT KILL YOU TO CLOSE THE GD DOOR!?"

                To add a little festive "zing" to the festivities, he then ordered a violent routing of Jewish revolutionaries in Galilee.  Oh, that Julius.  What a party animal, amirite?

                Two years later, he was stabbed to death on the floor of the Roman Senate.  Coincidence?

                Well, despite the dictator being ventilated and the civil war which followed, the Romans continued to observe January 1st as the beginning of the year.  Part of the celebrations included watching a ball of cow dung, virgins, and Greeks descend over thousands gathered in the Roman Forum**.   Drunken orgies followed, which they say reenacted the chaos of the world before the advent of the gods.  So, drunken bacchanalian excesses were highlights of the day wayyyyyyyy before Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve.

"Whoa...hang on...is that cow dung?"

                Of course, I can't confirm the orgy part nowadays.

                Eventually, the killjoys in the nascent Christian religion downplayed the raucous goings-on that were pagan holidays.  Some they incorporated into Christian festivals (e.g., Christmas was celebrated during the Roman Saturnalia or Feast of the Unconquered Sun.  Or did you really think Jesus was born at the end of December?).  Others they got rid of completely.

                For example, January 1st was no longer considered the new year.  Rather, during the early medieval period, March 25th, or Annunciation Day, was judged the beginning of the year.  Yeah, I don't follow the logic of that one, either.

"What's more, no 'Annunciation Day Eve' parties, either."
"Eff."

                However, when William the Conqueror (also known as William the Bastard) successfully invaded England in 1066, he decreed that observance of the new year would return to January 1st so as to more closely align with Christmas and, coincidentally, the commemoration of Jesus' circumcision.

William depicted with his brother, Clive the Motherf*cker,
 on the Bayeaux Tapestry

                And that's the way it's been ever since.

                So, think about that when, this coming Friday evening, the host of the New Year's Eve party offers you a platter full of little cocktail weenies.

                A symbolic remembrance of one of history's unkindest cuts of all, perhaps?

                Personally, I think a drunken orgy would be more fun.

 

                HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

 

*Just kidding.  That was Caesar Chavez.

**okay, this probably isn't true

***yeah, that definitely isn't true.  Because comedy!