Hey, Who Turned the Frikkin' Heat Off?

NOTE:  Originally published in 2019, to a couple of you, this may look familiar.  To a couple more of you, this will be new stuff and builds upon a history series I was developing on my Nit Nats blog.  To my old followers, I've added a couple new things so don't automatically give it a pass.  Unless you want.  Shoot, I'll never know.  

The Ice Age

What?  No pictures of mammoths or saber-tooth cats?  BOOOOO!!!!!

    After the comet, or extraterrestrial Republicans (hey, it could've happened.  You weren't there) put a smack down on most of the life on the planet, very little was left except for Betty White and Twinkies.  Of course, some reptiles remained, such as alligators, crocodiles, snakes, and lawyers.  Insects, too, survived and flourished to disrupt picnics and become Jeff Goldblum.

"Quite honestly, the dinosaurs had to go, to be frank with you.  If they didn't, they never would have decomposed and provided us with oil for our automobiles, the most excellent of which were made during my administration.  They sure didn't decompose into windmills, solar panels, or lithium batteries, like Brandon would have you believe, that I can tell you.  What's more, Sleepy Joe can crap his pants every day and it wouldn't come close to the quality of a T-Rex grade can of gas.  Plus, do you really want something the likes of a brontosaurus trampling all over your golf courses?"  

    But, the beginning of the Cenozoic Era (misspelled above.  Hey, don't blame me.  I just copy the crap), starting with the Paleocene Epoch (which is Latin-or Greek-for "Old Cene."  Or not) saw the rise of Skywalker mammals.  Initially small furry critters which T-Rexs used as appetizers before ripping the throats out of brontosauruses...or is that brontosauri?...

"I don't know animals."

or...whatever (the girly arm set wasn't picky what they ate), they soon evolved into sometimes massive creatures. 

Some animals became extinct, of course. 
Like this Eobasileus. 
Which is just as well. 
Because it looks goofy AF.

The Earth saw the emergence of woolly mammoths, woolly rhinoceros, woolly bullies, cave bears, care bears, buffaloes, buffalo bills, mastodons, Rosie O'Donnell, bison, saber tooth cats, vampiric squirrels, giant sloths, Michael Moore (but I repeat myself) and, most importantly for our story, the ape-like creatures who became modern humans.

Alternative View of the Paleocene Epoch

Brought To You By the 700 Club

"Ya know, I'm in the mood for camel."
"Nahhh, not feelin' it.  How 'bout that idiot turkey instead?"
"Well, okay.  Can we also have some pelican, at least?"
"Deal.  By the by, we don't have to put our clothes on, do we?"

   Our ancestors (some of whom still live in New Jersey) first appeared on history's grand stage 5 or 6 million years ago (give or take a million).  Scientists discovered evidence of their existence in the fossilized footprints of mammoths.

Noted Fossils

    Apparently, these Australopithicenes (Latin-or Greek-for "Southern Cenes."  Or not) never won a foot race with these huge elephant looking monsters.

"Betcher ass, yo."

    

    Recognizing this disadvantage, early humans soon resorted to the tactic of driving their prey off cliffs.

"Whoa!  Did not see this coming!!"

    Eventually, early primates developed into what's known as

Probably not an accurate depiction of Handyman.
Courtesy:  CNN

Homo Habilis, which is Latin-or Greek-for Handyman.  These proto-humans began using sticks to pull bugs from logs, rocks to build big piles of rocks, and dirt to make mud pies.

    The Handymen gave way to Homo Erectus,  which is Latin-or Greek-for "man who walks upright, or erect."  

    Okay, get it out of your system.  I'll wait.

"Homo...Erectus..."
"Hehehehehehehehe...."

    Frankly, we never covered this much in school, because the teacher could never stop the other boys and me from laughing.

"Ooh, I love those sweaty cavemens!"
"Yes, they could hit me over the head with a club and drag me back to their caves."
"Yabba dabba doo, honey!"

"Yes, I'd like to sue for copyright infringement, please."

    Fossils of Homo Erectus (good Lord, I'm even giggling writing this) have been found in Africa and Asia, most notably "Peking Man," which was unearthed in China.  Discovery of this fossil went remarkably quick, at ten minutes.

NOTE:  Not Chinese

  Finally, man developed into Homo Sapiens, which is Latin-or Greek-for "Thinking Man."  We still laughed when learning about this (after all, it still had that "homo" bit).

    Homo Sapiens were significantly more advanced than those who had come before (think real hard about that the next time you're in West Virginia).  These "thinkers" would go on to develop agriculture, cities, electric power, sex dolls, the telephone, laundromats, Starbucks, television, pet rocks, jet propulsion, the Flowbee, space travel, poop emojis, and nuclear weapons.

    Okay, maybe "thinking" is a bit of a stretch.

    Unfortunately, they were ill-equipped to deal with the most

"PFFT!  Puny humans are too stupid
to know they should put on a coat."
"Not for nothin', Lou, but they're not the ones
being run off cliffs."

significant climate change this side of Al Gore, the Ice Age.  

    As has happened several times (and will again) throughout history, the planet underwent a drastic cooling process about two and a half million years ago (give or take 500,000 years).  

    Ice sheets covered much of Northern Europe, Scandinavia (okay, I see the redundancy...shut up), Canada, and the Northern parts of the United States (NOTE:  maybe even the Southern Hemisphere, too.  I don't feel like looking it up, though.  Screw it).  This ice remained for many thousands (or probably millions...I'm getting tired and don't feel like looking that up, either) only to make a brief reappearance in The Day After Tomorrow.

"WE'VE REACHED A CRITICAL DESALINIZATION POINT! 
Or some other such stupid shit."

    Much of humanity decided to remain in Africa or in time shares in the tropics.  Who could blame them, though?  Who'd want to deal with that frigid wasteland?  On the other hand, people live in Maine so...

"Holy eff, it cold! 
Should have gone to Dominican Republic."

    Those who remained in the north adapted by learning to harness fire, move indoors to caves (once they told the bears their leases were up.  Stupid bears) and decided that a mammoth's fur (minus the mammoth) made for a pretty toasty sweatshirt.

    With the decreased temperatures came decreased sea levels.  The

Good thing nobody built a wall.

drop was such that a land bridge developed in the area of the Bering Strait.  This enabled wandering bands of Cro-Magnons (who all looked like Jeffrey Hunter and Raquel Welch, if Hollywood is to be believed) to chase those yummy herds of camels and sloths (who were a snap to catch) from Asia into North America.

    Once the tide came back in, though, they were stuck.  Which was just as well because they were sick of Chinese food.  Fifteen minutes after eating it, they were starving.  

    Besides, nobody had invented boats yet.

    So, these early people remained to become Inuit, Apache, Mayan, Inca, Olmec, Aztec, Elizabeth Warren, Navajo, and Mohawks.

    And countless others.  But, who wants to read all that mess?

 

They also developed art,
an example of which is this Venus of Willemdorf. 
Used by Cro-Magnon boys in the bathroom
at the back of the cave.

Next time:  BC/AD. BCE/ACE, AC/DC

  It wasn't long, though, before the roving bands of hunter-gatherers throughout the world figured it would be a good idea to stop (their feet were sore, after all), build warm buildings, plant the beans those nice prehistoric gypsies sold them, take off the smelly mammoth hoodies, and throw some points on those rocks they found so they could kill the neighbors on the other side of the ravine.

 

Stuff AND Nonsense

 

Note To Anyone Who Cares (hell, there has to be at least a couple of you):  I'll be jetting to San Juan, Puerto Rico (as opposed to San Juan, Alaska) for the next week so I won't be able to post a regular...uh...post this week.  Instead I'll submit a quick bite of stuff AND nonsense, instead.  I hope this will suffice for the two of you.

 

                Addendum to my October 25th post, "Ignorance and Hatred.":    I worked the polls this past week.  While it was the longest day I've worked since I retired from my job as an Environmental Services Associate, it was a truly rewarding fifteen hours.  Luckily, I was paid for my efforts, although I certainly would have done so for free.  I considered it a civic duty, one which I'd recommend. 

                Obviously, I can't speak for districts throughout the country, but my precinct in Virginia Beach was run smoothly and professionally with no chicanery or monkeyshines.  There were a couple incidents which I observed which made me think of my post of a couple weeks ago, though.

  

This.  Plus doughnuts.

              

"Doughnuts?"

    As a middle-aged couple approached the polling place, a representative from the Republican Party handed the woman a flyer (I'm sure you've all seen the practice).  Upon seeing this, the husband growled (in a loud voice sure to be heard by the hander-outer and her small daughter), "C'MON! WE DON'T NEED NONE OF THAT REPUBLICAN BULLSHIT!!"

                Just so you know, obnoxious lunacy isn't confined to one party.  For every "Trumpster," there's just as many "libtards," for example.  The number of hateful elephant zealots pretty much equal jackass zealots.

                Since voting was held in a school, all voters were asked to wear masks.  Even though I think face diapers are idiotic, I still enforced the requirement.  I swore an oath, don'tcha know.

                  Anyway, a maskless individual approached the check-in table.  When I saw the tee shirt he was wearing, "My Governor Is An Idiot" (Sidebar, your honor?  Personally, I think Northam is, too, but that's besides the point), I pretty much knew which demographic I was dealing with.

Yep, this was it. 
Surprisingly, he wasn't wearing white shoes.  Because, you know, white. 

                When I politely reminded him that masks were required in schools, he barked (just as loud and belligerent as "Republican Bullshit Guy"), "SO, ARE YOU TELLING ME I CAN'T EXERCISE MY GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO VOTE!!??"

                I continued in a polite manner (being polite was difficult, although I did have an "Inward Face Palm" moment) that I would gladly take his vote outside.  After a couple minutes of his outraged blather, he (I'm sure) reluctantly headed outside.

                Just then, my chief told me that the mask requirement for schools was rescinded just for that day.  So, I was able to tell "Red Neck Tee Shirt Man" that he could come back inside.

                Another Sidebar:  If masks are so effective, wouldn't it be consistent to continue the requirement?   What, did the Chinese Flu take the  day off to watch "The View"?

"Well, of course, because Joy Behar really gets us."

                Kinda made me look like a jackass, but I was glad that I would no longer have to enforce a mandate which I find ineffective and silly.

                My point, one which I made a couple weeks ago, is that many have become so polarized that they think rude, hateful behavior is the norm.  The (I'm sure) Democrat voter didn't have to blare out his distaste for all the world to hear.  He just thought  it was a swell idea to thump his chest  and curse in front of a child.  Keep those thoughts to yourself, Champ.  Or at least do so in a rational manner.  Without the potty mouth, of course.

This?  Yeah, never a good look.

                Likewise, don't automatically come into a situation spoiling for a fight.  To me, it seemed "Outraged Voter" had his little speech all prepared.  I got the impression that he would have jumped at any perceived infringement on his rights.  As with the other knucklehead, no need to broadcast your opinion to the room.

                Incidentally, there is no way I would wear a tee shirt like he had on in public.  I also wouldn't wear a "MAGA Hat."  Or, slap a "Biden/Harris" bumper sticker on my car.  Really not into that sort of provocation.

                 In fact, the only, sort-of, political thing I own and wear is a tee shirt which says, "Seinfeld/Costanza 2020."

"A campaign about nothing!"

                To quote Rodney King, "Why can't we all just get along?"

                By the way, the lady handing out Democrat literature could not have been a nicer, more cheerful woman.

                To my Republican friends, they're out there.

                To my Democrat friends, you know that.

                To Joe Biden, I hear Walmart is having a sale on Depends.

                I'm sorry, I can't help it.  Comedy is comedy.

"Still, wouldn't hurt to check it out."

   ********

                Okay, before my trip south a little bit of nonsense:

                 

                How in the world can a deaf gynecologist do his job?

                He reads lips.

 

Next time:  I'll continue with my History of the World series.  Start studying now.  You'll need to know when I'm selling you a line of crap.

Hint:  That's often.