Hey, Who Turned the Frikkin' Heat Off?

NOTE:  Originally published in 2019, to a couple of you, this may look familiar.  To a couple more of you, this will be new stuff and builds upon a history series I was developing on my Nit Nats blog.  To my old followers, I've added a couple new things so don't automatically give it a pass.  Unless you want.  Shoot, I'll never know.  

The Ice Age

What?  No pictures of mammoths or saber-tooth cats?  BOOOOO!!!!!

    After the comet, or extraterrestrial Republicans (hey, it could've happened.  You weren't there) put a smack down on most of the life on the planet, very little was left except for Betty White and Twinkies.  Of course, some reptiles remained, such as alligators, crocodiles, snakes, and lawyers.  Insects, too, survived and flourished to disrupt picnics and become Jeff Goldblum.

"Quite honestly, the dinosaurs had to go, to be frank with you.  If they didn't, they never would have decomposed and provided us with oil for our automobiles, the most excellent of which were made during my administration.  They sure didn't decompose into windmills, solar panels, or lithium batteries, like Brandon would have you believe, that I can tell you.  What's more, Sleepy Joe can crap his pants every day and it wouldn't come close to the quality of a T-Rex grade can of gas.  Plus, do you really want something the likes of a brontosaurus trampling all over your golf courses?"  

    But, the beginning of the Cenozoic Era (misspelled above.  Hey, don't blame me.  I just copy the crap), starting with the Paleocene Epoch (which is Latin-or Greek-for "Old Cene."  Or not) saw the rise of Skywalker mammals.  Initially small furry critters which T-Rexs used as appetizers before ripping the throats out of brontosauruses...or is that brontosauri?...

"I don't know animals."

or...whatever (the girly arm set wasn't picky what they ate), they soon evolved into sometimes massive creatures. 

Some animals became extinct, of course. 
Like this Eobasileus. 
Which is just as well. 
Because it looks goofy AF.

The Earth saw the emergence of woolly mammoths, woolly rhinoceros, woolly bullies, cave bears, care bears, buffaloes, buffalo bills, mastodons, Rosie O'Donnell, bison, saber tooth cats, vampiric squirrels, giant sloths, Michael Moore (but I repeat myself) and, most importantly for our story, the ape-like creatures who became modern humans.

Alternative View of the Paleocene Epoch

Brought To You By the 700 Club

"Ya know, I'm in the mood for camel."
"Nahhh, not feelin' it.  How 'bout that idiot turkey instead?"
"Well, okay.  Can we also have some pelican, at least?"
"Deal.  By the by, we don't have to put our clothes on, do we?"

   Our ancestors (some of whom still live in New Jersey) first appeared on history's grand stage 5 or 6 million years ago (give or take a million).  Scientists discovered evidence of their existence in the fossilized footprints of mammoths.

Noted Fossils

    Apparently, these Australopithicenes (Latin-or Greek-for "Southern Cenes."  Or not) never won a foot race with these huge elephant looking monsters.

"Betcher ass, yo."

    

    Recognizing this disadvantage, early humans soon resorted to the tactic of driving their prey off cliffs.

"Whoa!  Did not see this coming!!"

    Eventually, early primates developed into what's known as

Probably not an accurate depiction of Handyman.
Courtesy:  CNN

Homo Habilis, which is Latin-or Greek-for Handyman.  These proto-humans began using sticks to pull bugs from logs, rocks to build big piles of rocks, and dirt to make mud pies.

    The Handymen gave way to Homo Erectus,  which is Latin-or Greek-for "man who walks upright, or erect."  

    Okay, get it out of your system.  I'll wait.

"Homo...Erectus..."
"Hehehehehehehehe...."

    Frankly, we never covered this much in school, because the teacher could never stop the other boys and me from laughing.

"Ooh, I love those sweaty cavemens!"
"Yes, they could hit me over the head with a club and drag me back to their caves."
"Yabba dabba doo, honey!"

"Yes, I'd like to sue for copyright infringement, please."

    Fossils of Homo Erectus (good Lord, I'm even giggling writing this) have been found in Africa and Asia, most notably "Peking Man," which was unearthed in China.  Discovery of this fossil went remarkably quick, at ten minutes.

NOTE:  Not Chinese

  Finally, man developed into Homo Sapiens, which is Latin-or Greek-for "Thinking Man."  We still laughed when learning about this (after all, it still had that "homo" bit).

    Homo Sapiens were significantly more advanced than those who had come before (think real hard about that the next time you're in West Virginia).  These "thinkers" would go on to develop agriculture, cities, electric power, sex dolls, the telephone, laundromats, Starbucks, television, pet rocks, jet propulsion, the Flowbee, space travel, poop emojis, and nuclear weapons.

    Okay, maybe "thinking" is a bit of a stretch.

    Unfortunately, they were ill-equipped to deal with the most

"PFFT!  Puny humans are too stupid
to know they should put on a coat."
"Not for nothin', Lou, but they're not the ones
being run off cliffs."

significant climate change this side of Al Gore, the Ice Age.  

    As has happened several times (and will again) throughout history, the planet underwent a drastic cooling process about two and a half million years ago (give or take 500,000 years).  

    Ice sheets covered much of Northern Europe, Scandinavia (okay, I see the redundancy...shut up), Canada, and the Northern parts of the United States (NOTE:  maybe even the Southern Hemisphere, too.  I don't feel like looking it up, though.  Screw it).  This ice remained for many thousands (or probably millions...I'm getting tired and don't feel like looking that up, either) only to make a brief reappearance in The Day After Tomorrow.

"WE'VE REACHED A CRITICAL DESALINIZATION POINT! 
Or some other such stupid shit."

    Much of humanity decided to remain in Africa or in time shares in the tropics.  Who could blame them, though?  Who'd want to deal with that frigid wasteland?  On the other hand, people live in Maine so...

"Holy eff, it cold! 
Should have gone to Dominican Republic."

    Those who remained in the north adapted by learning to harness fire, move indoors to caves (once they told the bears their leases were up.  Stupid bears) and decided that a mammoth's fur (minus the mammoth) made for a pretty toasty sweatshirt.

    With the decreased temperatures came decreased sea levels.  The

Good thing nobody built a wall.

drop was such that a land bridge developed in the area of the Bering Strait.  This enabled wandering bands of Cro-Magnons (who all looked like Jeffrey Hunter and Raquel Welch, if Hollywood is to be believed) to chase those yummy herds of camels and sloths (who were a snap to catch) from Asia into North America.

    Once the tide came back in, though, they were stuck.  Which was just as well because they were sick of Chinese food.  Fifteen minutes after eating it, they were starving.  

    Besides, nobody had invented boats yet.

    So, these early people remained to become Inuit, Apache, Mayan, Inca, Olmec, Aztec, Elizabeth Warren, Navajo, and Mohawks.

    And countless others.  But, who wants to read all that mess?

 

They also developed art,
an example of which is this Venus of Willemdorf. 
Used by Cro-Magnon boys in the bathroom
at the back of the cave.

Next time:  BC/AD. BCE/ACE, AC/DC

  It wasn't long, though, before the roving bands of hunter-gatherers throughout the world figured it would be a good idea to stop (their feet were sore, after all), build warm buildings, plant the beans those nice prehistoric gypsies sold them, take off the smelly mammoth hoodies, and throw some points on those rocks they found so they could kill the neighbors on the other side of the ravine.