A Penwasser History of the World-Part XVI

NOTE:  I'll continue to post this disclaimer.  The past several posts and who-knows-how-many-posts-to-come are merely what I can remember from Our Lady of Barnum Avenue and History Class at Stratford High School while growing up older in Connecticut.  I will research some specifics, mostly dates and the most obscure of names, and I'll try to place historical events in their proper historical context.  Meaning, I won't have the Aztecs land on the moon.  Or...did they?  Trust me, some of this is true; however, don't use any of this nonsense to prepare for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  Or Joe Biden.  Especially if you sniff their hair.

"Possible Route." 
Apparently before AAA or Waze were invented

The Hebrews

Holy Moses

    I'm going to go completely without a net here when I tell the story of Charlton Heston Moses as he waged wits with Yul Brynner Ramses to free white people the Hebrews from bondage in Egypt, despite romantic overtures from Anne Baxter Nefertiri, who really didn't mind men who grew their beards to "ZZ Top" proportions.  Even though Moses was already married to Lily Munster Zipporah.

   Okay, maybe I've seen the movie too much.  Still, I remember a few other things about the story of Moses from my time in elementary school.  It's guaranteed I'll get a few names wrong, but I'm pretty sure I got the basic story of how the Jewish people really began.

    I'll leave off my puzzlement as to why The Ten Commandments always played on Easter Sunday.  To me, it's more of a Passover flick than anything else.  But, hey, what do I know?  I was just an altar boy for four years.  Who's going to spend several hundred years in Purgatory.  Which may not exist anymore, anyway.

    So, there's that.

    Let's get to it.

    If you recall from our last episode…Joseph (sans "Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"*) managed to talk his family and neighbors into schlepping to Egypt when a great famine hit.  There they'd have plenty to eat and would live happily ever after.

    Psyche.

    In classic biblical "WTF??" fashion, Joseph's (having long since died.  Lucky Joseph) people found themselves enslaved by the Egyptians who were too lazy to do any work themselves.  The Hebrews would wind up, not building the pyramids, as is commonly thought (the pyramids had long since gone out of fashion after the Egyptians figured out they could get away with building condos for the afterlife instead), but doing other slave-type stuff.

    Moses' mom, who was a Hebrew (I think we're all clear on that), despaired of her son becoming a slave and, so, set him adrift on a little papyrus (or Styrofoam.  Maybe) raft thingie on a little creek near where the Pharaoh's daughter, Mitsy, was bathing.

   Apparently, Mom never considered the possibility that Moses could drown.  Or be eaten by crocodiles.  Stupid Mom.

NOTE:  If I may…?  It's interesting to know that Moses had sisters.  I guess Mom figured, "Eff the girls.  They can be slaves.  That'll teach them to steal my makeup."  We continue…

    Anyway, Mitsy decided to adopt the little baby, who clearly was

"You think your father will buy he's a
gift from the gods, princess?"
"PFFTT!!! The dude worships cats so I gotta say yes."

destined to head the Cairo NRA.  How she pawned the baby off with Dad (Seti…?), sources are unclear.  I just think Seti was happy his daughter had finally found something to keep herself occupied instead of mooning about how ugly she was and how none of her brothers would marry her.

    Moses became quite a big shot around the palace and was allowed to keep a full head of hair, despite Seti's other son Yul Rameses who was forced to wear some goofy thing jutting from the side of his head.

 

Hey, wait an effin' second!  This isn't Moses and Ramses.  It's Batman and some guy!!

Okay, that's more like it.  PHEW!!!

    However (and this is where the wheels come off the chariot), Moses killed an overseer who was abusing a slave with a whip or an unending litany of "knock knock" jokes (sources are unclear).

Nefertiri
(May not be historically accurate)
Personally, I would have kept my trap shut.
Guess that's why I'm going to Purgatory

    For some reason, Moses was outed a s a Hebrew himself and, instead of keeping it to himself, was banished by Seti to the desert (a lot of desert out there).  This overjoyed Yul Ramses, who could now shave his head.

    

    While in the desert, Moses grew a beard, married a shepherd girl,

Okay, even though she became
Lily Munster, not bad. 
But, geez-a-lou, Nefertiri.
  Yowza.

and took a call from God via a burning bush (all the desert had was "Dial-Up Internet" and you know how much of a pain in the ass that can be).

    Anyway, God told Moses to go back to Egypt and bring the Hebrews out of bondage (after making sure they had cut off their foreskins, as agreed upon hundreds of years ago).

"First, love slave. 
Then, desert toilet paper. 
Now this?  WTF!!??"

    Well, if the bush gives him an order, he had to listen so he jumped a donkey back to Egypt, where Ramses was now Pharaoh and had a nice little side business making condoms out of the intestines of the ever-beleaguered sheep.

   Ramses, even though told that God wanted the Hebrews to break their lease, refused to lose his work force.  So, Moses brought down a plague of flies, rats, Gilbert Gottfried impersonators, boils, crickets, Jehovah Witnesses, bloody stools, rickets, frogs, locusts, hail, acne, and hair in their soup**

    When none of this worked, Moses thundered that the first born of Egypt would be killed by the Destroyer (or Terminator…sources are unclear).  Nefertiri*** swore that her son was safe.

Apparently, the Hebrews lived near a Taco Bell

    

Once again...psyche.

    Well, yeah, this was finally the last straw and Yul Ramses told 

"Nyah, where's your god now?
 I gotta go where???"

Moses to take his people (including that weasel, Dathan G. Robinson) and GTFO.  Not needing to be told twice, Moses peaced out and headed south (yeah, I don't know why, either).  

    Yul Ramses had a change of heart (the movie said "his heart was hardened."  But, he was now married to Nefertiri.  So, I don't think his heart was hardened, amirite?) and chased after them, but his army drowned when Moses parted the Red Sea.  Or a crick (sources are unclear.  I think.)

"Okay, everyone scoot over before someone puts the plug back in. 
Of for the love of...your feet will dry, Herschel!!!"

    Once more…psyche.

    Egyptians defeated, Moses took his people on a scenic trip which ultimately lead wayyyyyyyyyyy to the south at Mount Sinai (once again, I don't know why).  Moses decided to get away from all the racket ("So when are we getting to the Land of Milk and Honey already?") and went up to chat with the Almighty through a bush or something.

    Meanwhile Dathan G. Robinson whipped the notoriously fickle people into a frenzy and had them make a calf of gold.  Or Velveeta (sources are unclear).  When Moses came down with a couple of tablets outlining the Ten Commandments, he was outraged and threw the tablets against a slow goatherder, saying they weren't worthy to receive them (the goatherder was worthy enough to receive an ice pak, though).  Even though they were destroyed, the Hebrews still had to follow them after turning Dathan G. Robinson into Soylent Green.

"IT'S PEOPLE!!!!"
Yeah, yeah, yeah...we get it.

    After a few crackers, the Hebrews wandered around for 40 years (apparently, God wasn't done preparing the Promised Land for new tenants).  Finally, just as they got there, Moses disobeyed God by failing to knock a rock the proper amount of times.  So, God said, "Screw you!  Now you don't get a chance to see the Promised Land."

I know this will be wildly blasphemous, but...kind of a douche move there, God.

    Moses then went on to be a galley slave for the Romans before winning a chariot race and freeing his mom and sister from the lepers.  After they bathed, of course.

What the f...brother can't catch a break.

     Next:  I wrap up the Jewish story with David.  Probably.

*Still copyrighted by Andrew LLoyd Webber.  Probably.

**List may not be accurate

***In the movie.  Sue me.