A Penwasser History of the World-Part XIV

NOTE:  I'll continue to post this disclaimer.  The past several posts and who-knows-how-many-posts-to-come are merely what I can remember from Our Lady of Barnum Avenue and History Class at Stratford High School while growing up older in Connecticut.  I will research some specifics, mostly dates and the most obscure of names, and I'll try to place historical events in their proper historical context.  Meaning, I won't have the Aztecs land on the moon.  Or...did they?  Trust me, some of this is true; however, don't use any of this nonsense to prepare for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  Or Joe Biden.  Especially if you sniff their hair.

The Hebrews

Joseph
No, not that Joseph

    You may be wondering how in the heck did the Israelites/Hebrews wind up in Egypt, of all places?  I mean it wasn't as if they could call Canaan Uber and ride a camel (huh, come to

"I told you...next week."

think of it, that's probably what they did).  Was it more than Charlton Heston and Yul Brynner scoring cool acting gigs?

    Clearly, it was something more….*

    After Jacob had his bath towels and smoking jacket done with the "Israel" monogram, he proceeded to have a boatload of kids (I mean, it wasn't like there was much else to do).  From what I can remember, he had something like twelve sons and, though the Bible doesn't mention them, he must have had daughters as well.  Meaning the Israels' probably chalked up a whopping grocery bill at the Heshibbon Shop Rite and could barely keep enough toilet paper in stock.

"Not AGAIN!!! I just took a bath!!!"

    Well, they had sheep so I guess they were good to go in the lavatorial department, at least.  Probably had to deal with a lot of ticked-off sheep, though.

    The eleventh of his twelve sons was called Joseph.  Joseph became Dad's favorite.  He was smart, handsome, and treated the sheep well.  That said, he was a little weird because he had this habit of picking his toenails at the dinner table, doing card tricks, and interpreting peoples' dreams.                                       

    "Son, I had this dream of a train going through a tunnel.  Any idea what that means?"

    "You know you and Mom have more than twelve kids, right, Pop?"

    "Ohhhhhhhhh…….."
    "And you also know that trains haven't been invented yet, either, right?"

  

"What?  Again with the trains?"

       Israel/Jacob was so delighted that he gifted his favorite son

Possibly similar to this

with an Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat**.  His brothers were outraged at this unabashed favoritism, especially since all they got for their birthdays were amazing technicolor dreamsocks and some Slim Jims from the 7-Eleven in Meggiddo.

    That said, they sold their brother into slavery to a passing band of Ishmaelites (of the Ishmael Ishmaelites) who were on their way to Egypt to see a camel show, purchase some grain, take selfies at the pyramids, and see if those brother/sister stories were true.

    To trick their father into believing their brother was dead, they took Joe' s coat and ripped it to shreds after coating it with sheep's blood (those poor effin' sheep could never catch a break).

    Hopefully, their father would think Joseph ran afoul of a wolf, lion, or jackal instead of a pissed-off sheep who just had a perm.

    Once he arrived in Egypt, Joseph was shocked to find out that

"I don't know animals."

nobody cared that he knew what card they picked.  But, the Pharaoh was intrigued with Joe's dream skills.  When he told the Israelite slave that he dreamed of seven fat and seven skinny sheep (or goats…one of those barnyard critters…probably not chickens, though), Joseph knew exactly what the dreams portended.

"Hey, I'm big-boned.  Get off my ass."

"Welllll, excuse me, Rosie!"

    "Well, either you can only afford to send seven sheep to Jenny Craig or….try this on for size…Egypt will have seven great years followed by seven years of famine."

    Not wanting to take any chances, the Pharaoh ordered that his people store as much grain and porno mags as they could.  That way, they'd have something to read when the crops failed (okay, eat, too).  To hedge his bets, he put Joseph in charge of the whole shebang.  That way, if the whole dream stuff turned out to be bogus, he could blame the Jew***.

    As it turned out, famine did strike Egypt, but everything was cool because they had socked away enough chow to see them through.  In fact, when word of their porn food supply reached other countries, they were besieged by neighbors with their hands out.

"MAKE GIZA GREAT AGAIN!"

    Rather than building a great wall from the Mediterranean to the Red Sea, as urged by the Minister of Something Yuge, General Abu Trumpenotep, Joseph sought to help those who weren't gifted with mad dream skills.

    In a twist seen only on television and in the Bible, Joseph's brothers rang his bell one day, asking if he could spare a couple rolls.  They didn't recognize the brother they had sold into slavery because Joseph wore a pair of Groucho Marx glasses (or a rubber chicken on his head).  I'm sure I was told, but I can't remember.

"You were, boyo!  Knuckles if ye please."

    Joe wanted to goof on his brothers and didn't immediately tell them.  Isn't that just like kid brothers?  Finally, after a round of Rock, Paper, Scissors or possibly 20 Questions, Joseph flung off his chicken and announced his real identity.

    Before asking WTF happened to his coat.

    Despite the bad news about his coat and the sheep, he told his brothers to hustle on home to bring Dad, Mom, little brother Ben (who was busy massaging Israel's corns), and anyone else they could fit on a camel back to Egypt.  There, they'd have plenty to eat and would live happily ever after.

    After all, what could possibly go wrong?

Next:  Holy Moses

  

*It's always something more at Penwasser Place, isn't it?

**Copyright: Andrew Lloyd Webber.

***This has apparently worked for thousands of years.