I'm starting to think that Trump is getting carried away with this whole "eminent domain" business. |
Sign Language XXXIII
No History Today
It's how I roll, yo. |
I know, I know...please try to rein in your disappointment. No, instead of my slog through world history (which will probably take years. Much like world history itself. Isn't that weird?), I've decided to repost something from the old Penwasser Place.
The vast majority of you have seen this, but I plan on also sending it to Facebook, for those who who haven't. I'm especially thinking about a particular friend who posted a story very similar to this last week.
I promised her that I would return fire with fire.
Although fire had nothing to do with this story...
Journey to the Center of my Bowels
A long time ago, in
a medical clinic not so far away…
One of the benefits of turning 50 was that,
besides grey hair sprouting from my nose, needing Pepsi to burp, and developing
nail fungus also known as “Old Man Toe,” I got a chance to feel what it’s like
to spend time in a Turkish prison.
The word “colonoscopy” is Greek in
origin. Its entomology
(no, wait a
minute, that’s the "study of insects." I meant ‘etymology’-I can never get those
straight) derives from “colonos” which means “butt” and “scopy” which means “look
see.” (NOTE: may not be true).
Not to be confused with "Entenmannology." Or "Study of Breakfast Foods." |
As befit my advancing years, I was treated
to the full Monty (coincidentally, the doctor’s actual name) a few years ago. I feel sorry for the poor guys on a limited
budget. They can only afford a
“semicolonoscopy.”
The day before, I was directed to drink a
couple bottles of what’s called Fleet Phospho Soda. Boy, howdy, does that stuff work! I haven’t felt that emotionally attached to
my lavatorial facilities since my surgery in 1988 (I'll just leave that to your
imagination).
Yeah. A lot like that. |
Anyway, I felt like one of those water
rockets we bought as kids. Remember those? You know, the kind you pump up with water
until, when you can no longer pump them up, you just pop the cork and let ‘em
fly?
I could never predict when it was time for,
uh, "Old Faithful" to erupt (so to speak). Needless to say, I left my white pants in the
closet with the rest of my Miami
Vice wardrobe.
Falling asleep was an adventure. Luckily for me (and my terrified wife), my
own personal levees weren’t breached during the night. Although, by the time I woke up, I was so
full that I felt like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade balloon (I don’t know
which one, but I’ll bet it wasn't one of the popular ones).
Throughout the day, I had to fast (which
was pretty easy since I’m ‘half-fast’, anyway).
Although I couldn’t stray too far from my bathroom because, whenever I
had to, uh, you know, I had to, uh, you know.
Thank goodness I had plenty to read.
Plus, that handheld Yahtzee was a godsend.
No one will ever want to use it again,
though.
I grew so famished throughout the day that
I started licking the Sunday paper ads for Burger King.
I think he kind of dug it, though. |
Finally, my wife drove me to the rather unfortunately
He made me a little nervous. Plus...a scalpel??? |
After checking in, I was escorted into the
prep room. Once I disrobed, I was asked
if I had gone to the bathroom. Ya know,
not for nothin’, wouldn’t it have been better to ask before I took my clothes off?
That way, if I hadn’t used the
bathroom, I wouldn’t have had to parade naked through a mortified waiting room.
Oh, and incidentally, I thought it was odd
that it was the janitor who asked me to disrobe.
The nurse (recently laid off from Verizon) explained
what was going to happen. My eyes
grew wide when she showed me a picture of the “instrument.”
Like this. But far, far worse. |
Good grief and all that's holy, they were
going to shove a piece of PVC pipe so far up the exit that I was going to be a
piñata for a sadist or, at the very least, a Popeye Lawn sprinkler.
I was told I would be filled with air and
that I was encouraged to "expel" that air when I was done (not
wanting to waste it, I’m going to wait until church and then make a joyful noise
unto the Lord!).
As they wheeled me into the operating room,
I reminded them if they found any cave paintings they should send them to the
Smithsonian Institution.
I was told I’d be so pumped full of drugs,
I wouldn’t feel a
thing. I informed the “Butt
People” that, since that was the case, they could do whatever they wanted. I wish I hadn’t told them that though. Because I think I’m going to be on You Tube. With a monkey.
"Hey, Mr. Jinkies needed the money." |
Luckily, everything turned out great. They did find a polyp (and Jimmy Hoffa) which
they cut out. I plan on having it
bronzed (the polyp, not Jimmy Hoffa).
So, that’s my story. Rest assured, everything went well for the
most part. I have trust issues now,
though. Still, it's a relief to not have
to lick the paper anymore.
But, I’ll never look at my garden hose the
same way again.
Photo Phinish VII
A Penwasser History of the World-Part XVI
NOTE: I'll continue to post this disclaimer. The past several posts and who-knows-how-many-posts-to-come are merely what I can remember from Our Lady of Barnum Avenue and History Class at Stratford High School while growing up older in Connecticut. I will research some specifics, mostly dates and the most obscure of names, and I'll try to place historical events in their proper historical context. Meaning, I won't have the Aztecs land on the moon. Or...did they? Trust me, some of this is true; however, don't use any of this nonsense to prepare for the History Advanced Placement Examination. If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Or Joe Biden. Especially if you sniff their hair.
"Possible Route." Apparently before AAA or Waze were invented |
The Hebrews
Holy Moses
Moses to take his people
(including that weasel, Dathan G. Robinson) and GTFO. Not needing to be told twice, Moses peaced
out and headed south (yeah, I don't know why, either).
I'm going to go
completely without a net here when I tell the story of Charlton Heston
Moses as he waged wits with Yul Brynner Ramses to free white people the Hebrews from
bondage in Egypt, despite romantic overtures from Anne Baxter Nefertiri,
who really didn't mind men who grew their beards to "ZZ Top" proportions. Even though Moses was already married to Lily
Munster Zipporah.
Okay, maybe I've
seen the movie too much. Still, I
remember a few other things about the story of Moses from my time in elementary
school. It's guaranteed I'll get a few
names wrong, but I'm pretty sure I got the basic story of how the Jewish people
really began.
I'll leave off my puzzlement
as to why The Ten Commandments always played on Easter Sunday. To me, it's more of a Passover flick than
anything else. But, hey, what do I
know? I was just an altar boy for four
years. Who's going to spend several
hundred years in Purgatory. Which may
not exist anymore, anyway.
So, there's that.
Let's get to it.
If you recall from
our last episode…Joseph (sans "Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"*) managed to
talk his family and neighbors into schlepping to Egypt when a great famine
hit. There they'd have plenty to eat and
would live happily ever after.
Psyche.
In classic
biblical "WTF??" fashion, Joseph's (having long since
died. Lucky Joseph) people found
themselves enslaved by the Egyptians who were too lazy to do any work
themselves. The Hebrews would wind up, not
building the pyramids, as is commonly thought (the pyramids had long since gone out of fashion after the Egyptians figured out they could get away with building condos
for the afterlife instead), but doing other slave-type stuff.
Moses' mom, who was a Hebrew (I think we're all clear on that), despaired of her son
becoming a slave and, so, set him adrift on a little papyrus (or Styrofoam. Maybe) raft thingie on a little creek near where the
Pharaoh's daughter, Mitsy, was bathing.
Apparently, Mom
never considered the possibility that Moses could drown. Or be eaten by crocodiles. Stupid Mom.
NOTE: If I may…? It's interesting to know that Moses had sisters. I guess Mom figured, "Eff the
girls. They can be slaves. That'll teach them to steal my makeup." We continue…
Anyway, Mitsy
decided to adopt the little baby, who clearly was
destined to head the Cairo NRA. How she pawned the baby off with Dad (Seti…?),
sources are unclear. I just think Seti
was happy his daughter had finally found something to keep herself occupied
instead of mooning about how ugly she was and how none of her brothers would marry her.
"You think your father will buy he's a gift from the gods, princess?" "PFFTT!!! The dude worships cats so I gotta say yes." |
Moses became quite
a big shot around the palace and was allowed to keep a full head of hair,
despite Seti's other son Yul Rameses who was forced to wear some goofy thing
jutting from the side of his head.
Okay, that's more like it. PHEW!!! |
However (and this
is where the wheels come off the chariot), Moses killed an overseer who was
abusing a slave with a whip or an unending litany of "knock knock"
jokes (sources are unclear).
Nefertiri (May not be historically accurate) Personally, I would have kept my trap shut. Guess that's why I'm going to Purgatory |
For some reason,
Moses was outed a s a Hebrew himself and, instead of keeping it to himself, was
banished by Seti to the desert (a lot of desert out there). This overjoyed Yul Ramses, who could now
shave his head.
While in the desert,
Moses grew a beard, married a shepherd girl,
and took a call from God via a
burning bush (all the desert had was "Dial-Up Internet" and you know
how much of a pain in the ass that can be).
Okay, even though she became Lily Munster, not bad. But, geez-a-lou, Nefertiri. Yowza. |
Anyway, God told
Moses to go back to Egypt and bring the Hebrews out of bondage (after making
sure they had cut off their foreskins, as agreed upon hundreds of years ago).
"First, love slave. Then, desert toilet paper. Now this? WTF!!??" |
Well, if the bush gives him an order, he had to listen so he jumped a donkey back to Egypt, where Ramses was now Pharaoh and had a
nice little side business making condoms out of the intestines of the ever-beleaguered sheep.
Ramses, even
though told that God wanted the Hebrews to break their lease, refused to lose
his work force. So, Moses brought down a
plague of flies, rats, Gilbert Gottfried impersonators, boils, crickets,
Jehovah Witnesses, bloody stools, rickets, frogs, locusts, hail, acne, and hair
in their soup**
When none of this
worked, Moses thundered that the first born of Egypt would be killed by the
Destroyer (or Terminator…sources are unclear).
Nefertiri*** swore that her son was safe.
Apparently, the Hebrews lived near a Taco Bell |
Well, yeah, this
was finally the last straw and Yul Ramses told
"Nyah, where's your god now? I gotta go where???" |
Yul Ramses had a change of heart (the movie said "his heart was hardened." But, he was now married to Nefertiri. So, I don't think his heart was hardened, amirite?) and
chased after them, but his army drowned when Moses parted the Red Sea. Or a
crick (sources are unclear. I think.)
"Okay, everyone scoot over before someone puts the plug back in. Of for the love of...your feet will dry, Herschel!!!" |
Once more…psyche.
Egyptians
defeated, Moses took his people on a scenic trip which ultimately lead
wayyyyyyyyyyy to the south at Mount Sinai (once again, I don't know why). Moses decided to get away from all the racket
("So when are we getting to the Land of Milk and Honey already?") and
went up to chat with the Almighty through a bush or something.
Meanwhile Dathan
G. Robinson whipped the notoriously fickle people into a frenzy and had them
make a calf of gold. Or Velveeta (sources are unclear). When Moses
came down with a couple of tablets outlining the Ten Commandments, he was
outraged and threw the tablets against a slow goatherder, saying they weren't worthy to receive them (the goatherder was worthy enough to receive an ice pak, though). Even though they were destroyed, the Hebrews
still had to follow them after turning Dathan G. Robinson into Soylent Green.
"IT'S PEOPLE!!!!" Yeah, yeah, yeah...we get it. |
After a few crackers, the Hebrews wandered around for 40 years (apparently, God
wasn't done preparing the Promised Land for new tenants). Finally, just as they got there, Moses disobeyed
God by failing to knock a rock the proper amount of times. So, God said, "Screw you! Now you don't get a chance to see the Promised
Land."
I know this will be wildly blasphemous, but...kind of a douche move there, God. |
Moses then went on
to be a galley slave for the Romans before winning a chariot race and freeing his mom and sister from the lepers. After they bathed, of course.
What the f...brother can't catch a break. |
Next: I wrap up the Jewish story with David. Probably.
*Still copyrighted by Andrew LLoyd Webber. Probably.
**List may not be accurate
***In the movie. Sue
me.
A Penwasser History of the World-Part XIV
NOTE: I'll continue to post this disclaimer. The past several posts and who-knows-how-many-posts-to-come are merely what I can remember from Our Lady of Barnum Avenue and History Class at Stratford High School while growing up older in Connecticut. I will research some specifics, mostly dates and the most obscure of names, and I'll try to place historical events in their proper historical context. Meaning, I won't have the Aztecs land on the moon. Or...did they? Trust me, some of this is true; however, don't use any of this nonsense to prepare for the History Advanced Placement Examination. If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege and you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Or Joe Biden. Especially if you sniff their hair.
The Hebrews
Joseph
No, not that Joseph
Well, they had
sheep so I guess they were good to go in the lavatorial department, at least. Probably had to deal with a lot of ticked-off
sheep, though.
"Son, I had this dream of a train going through a tunnel. Any idea what that means?"
Israel/Jacob was so
delighted that he gifted his favorite son
with an Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat**. His brothers were outraged at this unabashed
favoritism, especially since all they got for their birthdays were amazing
technicolor dreamsocks and some Slim Jims from the 7-Eleven in Meggiddo.
"Well, either
you can only afford to send seven sheep to Jenny Craig or….try this on for size…Egypt
will have seven great years followed by seven years of famine."
Rather than
building a great wall from the Mediterranean to the Red Sea, as urged by the
Minister of Something Yuge, General Abu Trumpenotep, Joseph sought to help
those who weren't gifted with mad dream skills.
Joe wanted to goof
on his brothers and didn't immediately tell them. Isn't that just like kid brothers? Finally, after a round of Rock, Paper,
Scissors or possibly 20 Questions, Joseph flung off his chicken and announced
his real identity.
No, not that Joseph
You may be
wondering how in the heck did the Israelites/Hebrews wind up in Egypt, of all places? I mean it wasn't as if they could call Canaan
Uber and ride a camel (huh, come to
think of it, that's probably what they
did). Was it more than Charlton Heston
and Yul Brynner scoring cool acting gigs?
"I told you...next week." |
Clearly, it was
something more….*
After Jacob had
his bath towels and smoking jacket done with the "Israel" monogram,
he proceeded to have a boatload of kids (I mean, it wasn't like there was much
else to do). From what I can remember,
he had something like twelve sons and, though the Bible doesn't mention them,
he must have had daughters as well.
Meaning the Israels' probably chalked up a whopping grocery bill at the
Heshibbon Shop Rite and could barely keep enough toilet paper in stock.
"Not AGAIN!!! I just took a bath!!!" |
The eleventh of
his twelve sons was called Joseph.
Joseph became Dad's favorite. He
was smart, handsome, and treated the sheep well. That said, he was a little weird because he had
this habit of picking his toenails at the dinner table, doing card tricks, and
interpreting peoples' dreams.
"Son, I had this dream of a train going through a tunnel. Any idea what that means?"
"You know
you and Mom have more than twelve kids, right, Pop?"
"Ohhhhhhhhh…….."
"And you also know that trains haven't been invented yet, either, right?"
"And you also know that trains haven't been invented yet, either, right?"
"What? Again with the trains?" |
Possibly similar to this |
That said, they
sold their brother into slavery to a passing band of Ishmaelites (of the Ishmael Ishmaelites) who were on their way to Egypt to see a camel
show, purchase some grain, take selfies at the pyramids, and see if those
brother/sister stories were true.
To trick their
father into believing their brother was dead, they took Joe' s coat and ripped
it to shreds after coating it with sheep's blood (those poor effin' sheep could
never catch a break).
Hopefully, their father would think Joseph ran afoul of a wolf, lion, or jackal instead of a pissed-off sheep who just had a perm.
Hopefully, their father would think Joseph ran afoul of a wolf, lion, or jackal instead of a pissed-off sheep who just had a perm.
Once he arrived in
Egypt, Joseph was shocked to find out that
nobody cared that he knew what card
they picked. But, the Pharaoh was
intrigued with Joe's dream skills. When
he told the Israelite slave that he dreamed of seven fat and seven skinny sheep
(or goats…one of those barnyard critters…probably not chickens, though), Joseph
knew exactly what the dreams portended.
"I don't know animals." |
"Hey, I'm big-boned. Get off my ass." |
"Welllll, excuse me, Rosie!" |
Not wanting to
take any chances, the Pharaoh ordered that his people store as much grain and
porno mags as they could. That way,
they'd have something to read when the crops failed (okay, eat, too). To hedge his bets, he put Joseph in charge of
the whole shebang. That way, if the
whole dream stuff turned out to be bogus, he could blame the Jew***.
As it turned out,
famine did strike Egypt, but everything was cool because they had socked away
enough chow to see them through. In
fact, when word of their porn food supply reached other countries, they
were besieged by neighbors with their hands out.
"MAKE GIZA GREAT AGAIN!" |
In a twist seen
only on television and in the Bible, Joseph's brothers rang his bell one day, asking if he could spare a couple rolls. They didn't recognize the brother they had
sold into slavery because Joseph wore a pair of Groucho Marx glasses (or a
rubber chicken on his head). I'm sure I
was told, but I can't remember.
"You were, boyo! Knuckles if ye please." |
Before asking WTF
happened to his coat.
Despite the bad
news about his coat and the sheep, he told his brothers to hustle on home to bring Dad, Mom, little brother Ben (who was busy massaging Israel's corns), and anyone
else they could fit on a camel back to Egypt. There, they'd have plenty to eat and would
live happily ever after.
After all, what could possibly go wrong?
After all, what could possibly go wrong?
Next: Holy Moses
*It's always something more at Penwasser Place,
isn't it?
**Copyright: Andrew Lloyd Webber.
***This has apparently worked for thousands of years.
Eighteen Years Ago
Those of you who've been readers of Penwasser Place will recognize the following account of where I was when New York City, Washington D.C., and Shanksville, Pennsylvania were savagely attacked by fundamentalist psychopaths. I haven't changed a word and will never change a word.
I'll repeat "Never Forget."
Tragically, some Americans have.
It was just before one o’clock in the afternoon
on September 11th (a sad commentary: we don’t even need to identify the year
anymore) when my maintenance supervisor stuck his head into my room to wake me.
“Sir, someone just flew a plane into the
World Trade Center.”
Minutes later, I watched, horrified, as a
second plane struck the South tower. And
then, as both of the monstrously huge structures tumbled to the ground as if
kicked by a petulant child.
My unit and I were participating in a
multi-nation exercise at the Naval Air Station in Keflavik, Iceland (this
explains why it was the afternoon). A
round-the-clock operation, the Keflavik Tactical Exchange gave us a unique
chance to evaluate each other’s capabilities should we ever needed to flex our
respective militaries. Little did we
know that we were preparing for a type of war which belonged to the past.
Because the 21st Century came roaring into
each of our lives on that late summer day.
Naturally, the exercise was immediately
cancelled. Foreign aircrews (funny that
I call them “foreign’” since we were actually foreigners, too) beat hasty
returns to their home bases. We were told
that American airspace was closed for an indefinite time.
Station security forces went into their
highest readiness posture. Watch teams
at the main gate beefed up, rings of barbed wire cordoned off perceived
sensitive areas, and armed patrols roamed the perimeter.
My watch teams and I, on the other hand,
remained at our billeting. Only in
Iceland for the exercise, we were considered non-essential personnel who’d only
get in the way.
And so we spent the next few days.
I received a worried phone call from my
wife during this time. She fretted over
my safety. I assured her that I was
fine, but omitted the fact that I was more concerned for her and the kids.
You see, my family lives only a couple
hours from New York and only a few from Washington.
The ensuing few days was a frantic search
for whatever updates we could glean from the news and how in the world we’d get
ourselves and thousands of pounds of equipment back home.
Most importantly, we desperately wanted to
know how we could get into the fight.
Whatever the fight was.
Four days later, U.S. airspace was opened
to military traffic. As I glanced
through the window of the Navy patrol plane which took us home, I was struck at
how empty the sky was-with the exception of the one plane which approached us
as we crossed into the United States. It
came no closer than a few miles before it disappeared.
I think it was a fighter aircraft.
What’s more, the radio circuits, normally
full of the cacophony of countless air traffic controllers, were eerily
silent. The only ones “on the air” were
the handful which guided us home. All
else were hushed into silence.
Our route of flight took us just south of Manhattan,
well out of sight of land. At that
distance, even at the altitude at which we were flying, it was impossible to
see any of the city skyline.
But, we did
see a huge pall of gray-brown smoke lingering in the air like the death shroud
that it was.
As we touched ground at the air station we
called home, there was nobody to greet us.
There was really not much of anything by way of an acknowledgment that
we were back. Somehow, it seemed
fitting.
After all, we all had something much more important
to do.
Go home to our families.
In
memory of:
Commander
Bill Donovan, USN
AW2
(NAC/AW) Joseph Pycior, USN
and
the thousands whose only crime was going to work that day.
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