Cuppa Joe

 

"I'm honored.  No joke."

    Wrong Joe.

    Like last week’s post, I thought I’d once again visit my personal wayback machine.  However, unlike last week’s Ode To Cabbage, I decided to pen a little original material before I launch into the aforementioned visit to the past.

    Since I was a senior in high school, I’ve drunk coffee.  What started out as a means to imitate “grownups” (trust me, alcohol came later), grew into, quite frankly, a sort of addiction once I enlisted in the Navy.

    We’ll get back to the Navy, trust me.

    What are the origins of this dark brew, you might ask?  Okay, maybe you’re not asking, but you’re here so you may as well listen to what I have to say write.

    Wild coffee plants were first discovered in Ethiopia, but since the Ethiopians had more important things to worry than coffee

Like lions

 the plants were actually first  developed as a drink in Yemen until the 15^th century.

    Yemen probably had lions, too, but this isn’t a history of the animal kingdom, so shut up.    

"Lions once were in Yemen, but they became extinct due to overhunting and desire to eat Ethiopians.  Now if one of you could tell me where the Mens Room is, I'd appreciate it. 
I think I pooped myself."  

"The struggle is real."

    Anyway, since Diet Coke hadn’t been invented yet, Sufi Muslims used the drink to keep awake during nighttime prayers.

    Imagine how boring those prayers must have been.

    By the 16^th century, the popularity of coffee had spread throughout the Middle East and into Europe, fueling the rise of coffeehouses.

When the pubs were closed, I suppose.

    From there it was only natural for it to make its way to the New World, where the indigenous population greeted it with, “What?  No Fresca?  I guess we’ll drink it, as long as you keep those smallpox blankets to yourselves.”

    Since then, coffee has been one of the world’s most popular beverages.

Beating the snot out of Moxie.

    So, from where did the name “coffee” come?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  Okay, I know you didn’t.  Just play along.  “Coffee” derives from the Ottoman Turk “kahve,” which means “Nasty Drink Which Gives You Bad Breath But Helps You Stay Awake In Church.”

    The nation of Brazil is the world’s leading producer of coffee.  Other nations which export coffee include Colombia, Indonesia, Ivory Coast, 

Got kind of a soapy aftertaste, though.

Ethiopia (probably not surprising), and Vietnam, which supplanted Colombia for the second largest producer of coffee in 1999.

Don't worry.  Colombia will be fine.

    And now you know.

    Okay, personal story:

    Since my earliest days in the Navy, I only drink my coffee black, even though I used to take it with sugar and milk.  But, why black?

    Well, as the most junior member of my aviation electronics workcenter on USS America, it was my job to get our weekly ration of coffee, sugar, and creamer.

"That's bullshit, man!  Get the new guy to do i...oh.  Wait."

  One day, after I brought our ration to the shop, I noticed there were ants crawling in the sugar and the powder creamer came out in green chucks when I opened the packets.

    From that day nearly fifty years ago, the thought of anything but black coffee makes me sick.

    And now you know that, too.

 Bonus Fun Fact:  While there are a few origins to the phrase “Cuppa Joe,” the most reliable is that cuppa “joe” refers to a combination of “Java” and “Mocha” into “Jamoke.”  Shortened to “jo” or “joe.”

Second Bonus Fun Fact:  Why “Java” and “Mocha”?  Java is in Indonesia and Mocha is a port in Yemen.

    And now you...

You get the picture