'C' is For 'Cabot'

 

'C' is For 'Cabot'

Sebastian Cabot
This isn't about him

It's about this guy

    John Cabot (1450-1499) was an explorer who, under commission by the English king, Henry VII, was the first European to visit North America since the Vikings arrived in the 11^th century.

Shortly after arriving, the Vikings left and wouldn't return until the 20th century. 
When they had someone to play.

    Born Giovanni Caboto (or Zuan Caboto in Venetian, for some reason) in either Genoa or Gaeta (who knows?), young John (I’ll continue to refer to him as “John” because it’s easier to type than “Giovanni”) moved to Venice, one of the leading seafaring states in the Mediterranean.

    However, bored by the family Venetian Blinds business and inspired by the exploits of that showoff, Christopher Columbus (perhaps...I don’t know...and neither do you), another Italian, John traveled to England.  It was there where he thought to gain patronage by Henry VII for a proposed voyage west.

"And here you thought us Henrys were
all about banging chicks, getting fat, and eating turkey legs."

    He figured to corner the maple syrup, poutine, and moose market in what would become Canada.

Poutine.
French fries, cheese curds, and gravy.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm......cheesy gravy."

  He was able to convince his majesty that Canada was where he wanted to be,

Or California

 since the Caribbean was full of parrots, pirates, and Johnny Depp.

    Screw Columbus, amirite?

"Not a little hurtful, to be honest."

    Not much is known of his first voyage. But his second voyage in 1497 included a swing past Ireland for a St. Patrick's Day bash.  After stealing some Lucky Charms, they sailed west to Newfoundland, where they found the indigenous tribes to be extremely polite.

"I heard that about you Canadian Indians."
"Eh?"
"Exactly."

  
    He followed that up with a third voyage, his last.

    It’s not known whether he died during that trip, returned to England where he died shortly thereafter, or remained in Newfoundland where he opened up a chain of flapjacks and beaver pelt shops.

    But, he definitely died.

    In any case, were it not for John Cabot, schoolchildren throughout the Western world have one less name to remember on tests.

"Thank goodness.  It's tough enough keeping Vasco Da Gama and Balboa separate."

 

Wrong Balboa