"F" is For "Ferdinand"

 

"F" is For "Ferdinand"

    Every school child knows (or should know unless they went to a Minnesota Learing Center)  that Christopher Columbus discovered America.

    Of course, this completely ignores the fact that Vikings first came to North America almost five hundred years earlier.

"Ahem"

    I can hear you wondering, “Hey, this is supposed to be a post about the letter ‘F.”  In what crazy world does Columbus start with ‘F’?”

    Well, it doesn’t.  You see, this isn’t about Columbus.  Rather, it’s about King Ferdinand II.

Who apparently didn't own a razor.

    Ferdinand II of Aragon (March 10, 1452-January 25, 1516) is considered the first King of Spain and ruled from January 20, 1479 until January 23, 1516.  He and his wife, Isabella I, Queen of Castile, were known as the “Catholic Monarchs.”

"Super Friends" having already been taken.

    For those playing at home, the Kingdom of Aragon was comprised of Aragon (naturally) Valencia, Mallorca, Sardinia, Sicily, and the Principality of Caledonia.

"Mallorca" being a major part of the Balearic Islands

Palma de Mallorca is a lot of fun, from what I can remember. 
Which, frankly, isn't much

    He is best known for his patronage of Christopher Columbus, an Italian explorer from Genoa.  Although, to be honest, it was Isabella who was the main advocate of this fuzzy little sailor.  An added bonus, she was sexier.

And clean-shaven.

   In 1492, or roughly when Joe Biden was born, the Catholic Monarchs authorized an expedition westward in search of a way to the riches of the Orient.  They were getting sick and tired of those showoffs in Portugal who found a way to India by going around Africa.

"I can promise you gold.  Or monkeys and parrots."  

    What followed was increased exploration of what would become known as the New World, establishing a Spanish foothold which would last for centuries.

And Taco Bells from coast to coast.

    But, Ferdinand is also known for finally tossing out the last remnants of Islam from mainland Europe in 1492 (wicked busy year, that).  Known to history as La Reconquista, the Moors

"Card says 'Moops'."

were evicted from Grenada 

taking their cars with them.

and sent scurrying across the Strait of Gibraltar where they took up residence in places such as Morocco.

They came back, though.

    When Isabella died in 1504, their daughter, Joanna, took over as Queen of Castile.  However, since she was considered nuts

Founder of MCGA (Make Castile Great Again)

Ferdinand took over as regent for his daughter in 1507.

    Ferdinand continued to live a great lifestyle, even finding a second wife, Germaine of Foix, who he met via Aragon Tinder.  He wore bathrobes all day and even took to smoking his pipe during wild parties at the palace.

    NOTE:  Except for marrying Germaine, none of the above is true.  

    In 1516, Ferdinand died and went, hopefully, to Heaven where he was reunited with the sexy Isabella.

"So, were you going to tell me about that pipe smoking thing?"

    FINAL NOTE:  To be historically accurate, the practice of pipe smoking was completely foreign to Europeans at that time.  Tobacco wouldn’t be “discovered” until a quite few years after the English founded Jamestown in the 17^th century.

"So, can we eat it?"
"No."
"Use it to make clothing?"
"No."
"What can we do with it?"
"We can set it on fire and inhale the fumes."
"Won't the Surgeon-General have a problem with that?"
"Who?"