Blast From the Past

     Since I'm preparing the 2026 A-Z Challenge, I don't have a lot of extra time to write anything new for Penwasser Place.  So, I figured you wouldn't mind an oldie but a moldie goodie.  Therefore, may I present my 'U' entry from the 2011 A-Z Challenge? 

NOTE:  If inclined to go back and search for the original post (although I can't imagine why anyone would), you won't find it.  In a fit of pique and mental illness, I deleted my entire blog in 2018, a very bad year for me (yes, it involved a woman).  Luckily (or not), I kept a copy of the original writing.

The Underwear Wars

   Come, listen, my children, from everywhere

to the epic battles of underwear.

  Began first with briefs, tighty-whiteys,

that were worn by men both weak and mighty. 

Frankly, I'm disturbed that I kept this photo all these years. 
 I've always thought the dude in the front looked like Christian Bale. 
But it was good to see that Gary Coleman was able to find work before he died.

  But, soon, a young woman began to fret

and wonder why she wasn’t pregnant yet.

  For, you see, the problem lay in the fit

of briefs which pulled the sack near where he’d sit. 

  Thus cooked, the sperm had no place to hide.

Victims of body temperature, boiled and died.

  No happy eggs, no mother-to-be

Just a man and his wife and their color TV

(NOTE: Hey, it rhymed.  Sue me.)

   A doctor’s care being her last resort,

she bought him some boxers, just like gym shorts.

  She told him their loose, casual fit

will keep his “boys” far from where he sits.

  With them cooled, his swimmers will be able

to find a place at the “Mommy Table.”

  But, he moaned and whined, “I hate the big hole.

The struggle is real. 
Especially for the gifted.

Meaning, I'm good.

It’s a big inconvenient ‘Whack-A-Mole’.”

  So, to shut up her husband and give her relief

She then thought to buy him some boxer briefs.

  Not quite as snug as the white linen sacks

they gave him the comfort that boxers lacked.

Actually, my preference, if you're curious. 
Why would you be curious?  What's wrong with you? 
Incidentally, not me.

  Excited over this underwear kind

the wife hustled home, only to find.

  Her man, at the doorway, happily bare

No shirt, no pants, no underwear.

  “Honey,” he said, “I’ve got a great plan

That I’m hoping, I pray that you’ll understand.

  “For, just like Kramer or Marlon Brando*,

No undies for me.  I’m going commando.”

 Epilogue:  In a coma, the wife is not expected to live.  Her living will stipulates that her eggs be harvested for the local in-vitro fertilization clinic.

 *Okay, so I’m no Shakespeare.  But, I couldn’t think of anything else that rhymed with ‘commando.’

One more post before the challenge!

 

2026 A-Z Challenge Theme Reveal

 

    Well, time flies.  So, it is we turn our attention once more to the A-Z Challenge.  I shan't bother any of you with details.  The few who read this blog are quite familiar with what that entails.

Or is that 'entrails?'  Well, that's gross.

    Suffice it to say, I'll be spending most of the rest of this month writing thirty posts, which I'll put on delay.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I'll spend a lot of April playing catch-up.  

    This, of course, is time that I could spend finishing my book, Adventures of a Monetary Exchange Specialist.  Sure to be ignored a bestseller, it, sadly, is only half done.  Shoot, I feel like George R.R. Martin, who's been dragging his feet for well over a decade now as he writes the next chapter in The Song of Ice and Fire.

"Hey, don't kid yourself. 
We both may be old, fat, and have beards, but we're nothing alike, you hack."

    That being said, my theme this year is interesting (or otherwise) people throughout history (okay, I like history.  Sue me).  These won't be commonly known people, either.  Meaning, I won't use "Caesar," for the letter 'A."

"COBB SALAD, NOT CAESAR SALAD, YOU NARCISSISTIC BASTARD!  WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  MARCUS TRUMPUM???""

    I'll try to keep them short with occasional bits of true facts thrown in, just to keep you guessing.

    Anyway, before you go, Chris from Tilting At Windmills, commenting on my post from last week, observed about the absence of a particular picture.  Well, far be it from me to ignore any request.  Especially since there are very few of you who read this hideous blog in the first place.

    So, without further ado, here ya go, Chris: 

In other words, fun date.

Picture Time

    Since I'll do anything to avoid actually being constructive, I thought I'd peruse the folder on my computer called "Blog Pix."  Yes, I do actually have something like that.  Similarly, virtually none of the pictures on my cell phone are remotely serious.  My wife asks why, for instance, I have a picture of a man humping a fish (one of my favorites) instead of her.

    NOTE:  the previous sentence is a classic dangling participle.  This means you could interpret as why "I have a picture of a man humping a fish...instead of her."  I thought to edit it so there's no confusion, but I left it in (that's what she said), because I thought it was funny.  And that's a right handsome fish.

    I reply that they make me laugh.  And I am not well.

    Anyway, in no certain order, here are some of them (possibly some of which you've already seen)...

The aforementioned fish humping picture.  I know you've seen this. 
I usually caption it, "And now a word from the NMFLA (Man-Fish Love Association)" 

"We sell zig zag papers, coffee which could strip paint, mummified hot dogs, pre-used scratch off tickets, and farts disguised as hoagies wrapped in cellophane. 
Take THAT, Wawa!  Oh, thank heaven."

Personally, I think this whole 'Right to Arm Bears' is getting out of hand.

Put some bulbs in my garden before Spring.

Speaking of Spring, can beach season be far behind?

"Someone hear a noise?"

"Here, lemme give you a hand."

"I don't think it will fit in our living room."

Well, it is.

"Personally, I think the tuition costs for Electoral College are excessive. 
Electricians could get a much better bang for their buck at a trade school."
 

Now, how did this picture from my Super Bowl party get in here?

    Okay, last one.  Almost time for breakfast...

Remember when we actually thought this was ludicrous?

 

Adultery-The Musical!

     Okay, sure, there are a LOT of important and deadly things going on in the world.  If the two of you who read this would like to get my take on them, may I recommend you visit Nobody Asked Me But..., it's a more serious appraisal of the world and can be found where you can get fine literature.  Or this.

    I prefer Penwasser Place remain solely a place of whimsy and silly.

    And adultery.

    I heard a song on the radio today, If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Want to Be Right.  It's a catchy little tune, released in 1972 by Luther Ingram.  Surprisingly (or perhaps not), it topped the R& B charts for four weeks and rose to #3 on Billboard's Top 100.

    Throughout the entire ditty is a man whining about following his love, no matter how icky it is.  "Knowing I got a wife and two little children depending on me, too."  What a scumbag.

    Newsflash for Luther:  It is wrong and you definitely aren't right.

    NOTE:  Did a little research.  Apparently Lither won't be receiving any newsflashes.  He's dead.  My bad.  

    Also, in 1972, is Me and Mrs. Jones, another screed by a douchebag who's having an affair with a married woman (the "Mrs." in "Mrs. Jones" gave it away, I'd wager).  This little cheating nugget rose to #1 on Billboard's Top 100 for three weeks!  

    "We meet every day at the same cafe...while the jukebox plays our favorite song."

    Probably If Loving You Is Wrong.

    I know you're probably thinking, "What an old boomer prude.  What's a little extramarital diddling between friends?"  Look, I'm no morals scold, but these sociopaths wrote and performed proudly how much of a philandering turd they were.

    I am old, though.

"NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!!"

   But, nothing makes me change a radio station faster than Rupert Holmes' Poster Song of Adultery, Escape, which is more commonly known as the Pina Colada Song.

    To use Peter Griffin's saying, this thing really grinds my gears. 

         

"And you didn't even mention how my chin looks like a set of balls."

"BALLS!!!"
Also dead.
RIP

 

    I'll admit, like the other two, this is a catchy song and was even featured on that hideous Adam Sandler movie, Grownups and the lesser obnoxious Guardians of the Galaxy.

.  

     I'm sorry, the reason why I hate this more than any else is that both husband and wife are frikkin' cheaters.  After placing an ad in the personals and scheduling a rendezvous with his paramour at "a bar named O'Malley's," he comes to find out that his date was actually his wife.

    Meaning, Mrs. Scumbag was planning to cheat, as well.  They all had a big laugh and never once mentioning how their intention was to boink a perfect stranger.

 

    What in the name of Bill Clinton is this?

"I approve this message."

    Released in December, 1979, it rose to become the country's last #1 hit of the year before being displaced by KC and the Sunshine Band's Please Don't Go in 1980 (their booty having been sufficiently shaken four years earlier).  However, it went back to #1 for a few weeks in 1980.

    These three were released in the 1970s.  And here I thought the 70s had enough problems with disco, fashion, and Gerald Ford. 

    Apparently, the power of boners beat them all.