What Can Brown (Magnet) Do For You?

     There’s an ungodly number of topics going on in the world upon which I can opine.  Like an old man bitching about kids trampling his lawn, I can open my piehole here.  But, why bother?  I really don’t think anyone is going to look at Penwasser Place and think to themselves, “Hey, you know?  That Penwasser clown is really on to something.”

    So, I won’t.

"He won't?  Good.  Tell Tom never mind."

     Therefore, I bring you the below.

NOTE:  To be fair, this is a repost…of a repost.  But, I have updated it a little.  So, if you read the original post (PFFFT, go figure), this may seem new to you.  If not, hey, it’s not like I get paid for this stuff.

Prologue (see? This is new):  I was inspired to repost this after the “As Time Goes By” post from a couple weeks ago (that was completely new-see?  I can write new crap things).

   Have you ever stopped to consider the multitude of car ribbon magnets which adorn the back of mini-vans?  You know, the ones just below the "My Kid Beats Up Your Kid the Honors Student" ones? 

     The colors, and the causes they represent, are as varied as a bag of M&Ms (and much less fattening).

"Or without artificial colors and flavors."

  For example, there's a Crayola Box used to raise consciousness for a variety of causes....

The military

HIV awareness

Breast Cancer

Prostate Cancer

Autism Awareness

and countless others. All the colors of the rainbow are taken, even Brown for "Coprophilia Awareness."

 NOTE:  If you don't know how unbelievably clever…and gross… that line is, Google "coprophilia."  Then, prepare to be disgusted laugh your ass off. 

   Mind you, none of this is meant to denigrate any of the worthy causes those ribbons champion (well, except maybe that brown one. Which doesn't exist.  I hope.). 

             No, I'd just like to explain where the practice of affixing ribbons to trees, the outside of your house, your trunk, the elderly, etc., came from.  While you may think I'm making this up (and who could really blame you?), I swear this is true.

"What the f...I bet it was those meddling kids!"

    Mostly.

    It was 1979 and, while everyone was dancing to that disco beat or trying to find an open gas station (call back to the earlier post), the Ayatollah Khomeini whipped followers, who hadn't had their cups of coffee yet, into a frenzy when the United States offered to let the deposed Shah of Iran seek medical care in the Land of the Free, bad fashion,  and Home of Drive-Thru Liquor Stores. 

    Little suspecting they'd star in a Ben Affleck movie in 2012, the "college students" stormed the American Embassy in Tehran (or “Teheran.”  I’ve seen both spellings.  I can’t keep up.  For example, it’s no longer “Kiev.”) and took everyone hostage.

Told ya.
You're welcome.

     President Jimmy Carter was outraged.  Trying everything from talking tough to "Pretty, please?" he desperately tried to win release of the hostages.  Including an aborted desert rescue which looked as if it was planned more by the Three Stooges than the Pentagon.

Oh.  Wait.  Wrong helicopter disaster.  My bad.

    All during the "Hostage Crisis," we felt powerless.  We desperately yearned for a way to pitch in and to show that we really meant business.  Well, without actually putting ourselves in danger by enlisting in the military, don'tcha know.

Personal Note:  My ship was in drydock, so we couldn't do anything about it. 
Hands tied, don'tcha know.

    So, taking inspiration from a Tony Orlando and Dawn song about tying yellow ribbons around trees until a convict came home, 

The group has since split up.

we all went into yellow ribbon fever.

Not this, though

     These things popped up everywhere and even hung around long after the hostages were eventually freed when Mr. Peanut was booted to the curb and returned to Georgia to build houses for the poor.

"I feel attacked."

    Seeing the success of the yellow ribbons to trumpet a cause, we then took it upon ourselves, aided by Madison Avenue, to exploit all the other colors.  To the extent now that, more than 40 years later, multi-colored ribbons, like MAGA hats, are all over the place.

     Except that brown one.

     Which is a relief. 

 (Serious) NOTE:  Come to find out, there actually is a valid use for a brown ribbon.  According to Wikipedia (frankly, I'm too lazy to consult a reputable source):  "Brown ribbons also represent anti-tobacco and colorectal (hopefully not at the same time) cancer awareness.

  Although, Brown is the alternate butt cancer color, while dark blue is the official colorectal ribbon color."

To be honest, having brown as the alternate is a good idea.  Brown for colorectal is a bit of dark humor that even I wouldn’t employ.  

Oh, who am I kidding? 
Of course I would.

Well, now, don’t I feel shitty?