Penwasser Place: 'Y' is for 'Yellow Turban Rebellion'

Like many of you, I learned Western History. This was before the Department of Education, you understand, so my schooling was pretty solid, if terrifying (i.e., dispensed by nuns wielding rulers like samurai). I learned how human beings started as apes (or Adam and Eve-remember, Catholic School), became cavemen, developed civilizations in Mesopotamia/Greece/Rome, forgot how to bathe during the Middle Ages, started exploring the world (if, for nothing else, to get away from the smell), colonized the “New World,” put a man on the moon, and then set electric vehicles on fire.

"Mama mia, we gotta getta outta here. This place, she's a stink."

But, we were taught very little about parts of the world away from Europe. Despite prejudice from those who think nothing important ever came from there (not all of you, but some of you), civilization flourished in places like Mesoamerica and Asia.

I don’t know about you, but what I did learn about these regions were against the backdrop of their interaction with the West (e.g., Spanish conquistadores, Commodore Perry forcing Japan to trade with other nations, Japanese sex dolls, etc.).

"Okay, first we give them Christ. Then, we kill them. Agreed?"

So, I enjoy learning about these other cultures.

The Yellow Turban (or Yellow Scarves) Rebellion was a peasant…uh…rebellion which took place during the Eastern Han Dynasty of China,

As opposed to the Han Solo Dynasty.
Which was in another galaxy. Far, far away.

starting in 185 C.E. (or AD 185, for you politically correct ninnies). This all happened during the reign of Emperor Ling.

Of the Luoyang Lings

NOTE: By comparison, the Roman Emperor at the time was Commodus. And we all know how well that turned out.

Hollywood Commodus

Real Commodus.
Happy?
Hey, they were both killed.

While the major part of the rebellion was quashed by 185, elements continued on until 205. The Han armies emerged victorious, but the destruction was so profound that the dynasty was weakened by the effort and collapsed soon after (think France after World War I). It was supplanted by what became known as the Three Kingdoms from 220-280.

Then again, France

Which was replaced by some more Chinese people.

Hey, I did enough research, you know. I’m not in school anymore.

The revolt took its name from the headgear worn by the rebels. Yellow Turbans (or Yellow Scarves-whatever. That’s okay, because this is a ‘Y’ post).

"Hey, what the fuck? Which side are we on?"

"That's better."

Why did the peasants revolt, you might ask? Well, they were fed up with the corruption coming from the emperor’s court. Apparently, he was increasingly coming under the influence of the many court eunuchs which wanted even more power.

"You know, since we can't get laid."

So, the common folk grew tired of all those guys with no balls-and an emperor who acted as if he had no balls-and threw their support behind regional warlords who promised to MCGA*

The end result of the rebellion was the increased importance of regional governors-warlords, a turning point in the influence of Taoism, and thousands of yellow turbans ending up in Chinese garage sales.

At least according to Wikipedia.

As far as I know. The nuns weren’t too clear on that.