'Z' is for 'Zama'

 

    Well, we’ve finally arrived at the end of the 2025 A-Z Challenge.  I’ll soon return to my usual one per week post (you deserve it).  But, we have one more to go.

    Anyway, for my ‘Z’ post (or, as Birgit from BB Creations tells me, it's actually ‘Zed’), I’ll go with yet another topic from the ancient world (of the twenty five letters so far, seven have been about ancient history, so you probably know my type).  So, in keeping with what I’m most interested in, this final bit of nonsense mixed with genuine facts is about the Battle of Zama during the Third Punic War in 202 BC (or, to you politically correct ninnies...sigh...you should know it by now).

By Ridley Scott  
Featuring Patton Oswalt as "Piss Boy"

    As some of you know, the second of the wars between Rome and Carthage was the closest of the three.  Hannibal Barca (of the Tunisian Barcas) came very near to defeating the forces of the emerging power in the Mediterranean.  In fact, were it not for his elephants being afraid of Roman mice,*  folks like Julius Caesar, Cicero, and Flavius Marcus Trumpinus (of the MRGA** movement) might have ended up as Carthaginian sex slaves.

Hannibal-the one with the elephants

    But, it was not to be.

    The Roman Army of 30,000, commanded by General Publius Cornelius Scipio squared off against the Carthaginians, commanded by Hannibal, and numbering between 40,000 and 50,000 (including 80 war elephants) at Zama, in modern-day Tunisia. 

"AGAIN WITH THE ELEPHANTS!"

    For those good in math, 

Not me

this meant that the Romans were outnumbered.

    But, despite how cool they looked, those goddamn elephants would prove to be a wicked bad idea.

    Hannibal opened up the battle with a charge by the elephants into Roman lines.  However, they panicked when the Romans opened up several boxes of mice  and fled back to the Carthaginians.

"SON OF A....!!!"

    This opened up the door for the Roman cavalry to lay waste to their foes.

    When all was said and done, 20,000 Carthaginians lay dead on the battlefield, with an equal number taken prisoner.  Roman losses were 1,500 killed and 1,500 taken prisoner.

And we all know what happens when the Romans take you prisoner

    Eleven of those pain in the ass elephants survived and were also taken prisoner by the Romans.

Who then used them for rides in the Circus Maximus

    His army basically gone, Hannibal urged his government to accept Roman peace terms.  Carthage was stripped of her overseas possessions and even some of her African ones (not the crazy beheading ones, though).  Hannibal went into exile, no one knows where.  Although....

"Frikkin' elephants." 

    The victorious Roman general was given a triumph in Rome, awarded designation of “Africanus” after his name (to include vanity license plates on his chariot), and membership in the ‘Jelly of the Month Club.’

"It's the gift which keeps on giving!"

    Carthage?  Well, even though it seemed finished, it would return in the “Third Punic War-This Time, It’s Personal!”

    Although SPOILER ALERT, it wouldn’t end so well for them then, either.    

"DAFUQ!!??  You think we would've learned!!

   

*this is not true

**Make Rome Great Again