'N' is for 'Nineveh'

 

    One of my favorite movies, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, was released in 1975.  Towards the end of the film, King Arthur and his knights found themselves at the Bridge of Death.  There, the Bridgekeeper demanded they answer three questions before they could cross.

Yes, this is Sir Lancelot. 
He answered the questions successfully.
Congratulations, nerd like me.

 

NOTE:  Since you didn’t ask, my others are Young Frankenstein and Caddyshack.  

   One, Sir Robin, became wildly optimistic when the man before him (Sir Lancelot, I believe) had easy questions.

HINT:  Didn't turn out well

    However, the bridgekeeper asked Robin, “What is the capital of Assyria?”

    The cocksure knight didn’t know and, thus, was flung into the Gorge of Death (from which the bridge got its name, I suppose.  Unless it was a crazy coincidence).

    Told ya.

    Nerd that I am, I knew the answer.  However, most of you probably don’t.  You also probably dated girls.  Or boys.  I won’t judge.

    Well-and who said you can never learn anything at Penwasser Place?-the capital of Assyria was Nineveh (you may have already gathered that).

    Some of you may correct me (which, trust me, I’d be thrilled you’re even reading this) and say “No, it’s actually Assur.”  Yes, you would be correct to a point.  Assur was the capital.  Then, it became Nineveh, Poindexter.

I mean, come on, can you blame them?
 Look at it!

    Have capital cities changed?  Yes, of course.  Ravenna became the capital of Rome (some may argue for Constantinople, but those would be the uppity Byzantine Freaks), Brasilia became the capital of Brazil, and Washington D.C. became capital of the US.

Wrong DC

    There are certainly more examples, but you get my point.

    Nineveh, located near the Iraqi city of Mosul, was founded as an early settlement in the 7^th Millenium BC (“BCE” to you politically-correct ninnies), but didn’t really become a major religious/political center until 3,000 BC.

Once they got cable

    It wasn’t until the 7^th century BC, though, when the “Assur Sucks” faction of Assyrian government bribed King Sennacherib, assisted by Viceroy Ashuraramatrump of the MNGA* Party into making it the capital.

    Things went well for the Assyrians in the ensuing years.  They reinforced their reputation of Badasses of Mesopotamia by including beheading, impaling, and Indian Burns into their repertoire.

"Don't forget hurtful sarcasm."

    However, once they staring giving titty-twisters when subject peoples didn’t fork over tribute, said subject peoples, the Babylonians, Medes, and Scythians, rebelled in 612 BC.  

Including the proto-Shriner Cavalry

    Nineveh, thus, fell into disrepair, especially once the Central Bank of Ur foreclosed and the water from the Tigris was turned off.  Never again would the Assyrians be a major player in the world.

    But, don’t worry, there would be plenty of batshit crazy people to take their place.

 

"Effin' A.  Infidel."

        Incidentally, the other questions were, “What is your quest?” and “What is your favorite color?”

Also, "What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

    You’ll have to watch the movie yourself to find out the answers, though.

    I’ve gotta convince my wife to have sex.
    

    Have to make up for lost time, you know.  

  

*Make Nineveh Great Again