'M' is for 'Mamluks'

 

    Mamluks or "Mamaluks" 

But not marmalade

were non-Arab (mostly Turkic, Caucasian, MAGA, Eastern/Southeastern European) enslaved mercenaries, slave-soldiers, or freed slaves who served Arab/Ottoman dynasties during the late Middle Ages.

"Wait, I'm free?  You mean I don't actually have to do this?"

Mamluks began their military service as boys

They were a lot like the Unsullied from Game of Thrones. 
Only with genitals.

and continued to do so until someone said, “Holy crap, he’s starting to look a lot like James Carville!”  

At which time they were allowed to retire. 
Which is only humane.

    While, as a group, they were far-ranging, for this post we’re going to concentrate on those Mamluks who served the Egyptian Sultan. 

    The Mamluk Empire of the Egyptian Sultan (please keep up) controlled Egypt (again), the Levant (basically the Eastern Mediterranean, which included Israel, Jordan, Lebanon, Syria, and everyone else who wanted to kill everyone else), and the Hejaz (region of Saudi Arabia) from the mid-13th to early 16th centuries. It was ruled by mamluks under the leadership of a sultan.

Probably not this kind of sultan. 
But, if it helps, by all means, picture this. 
You'd be wrong, though.

Known in modern times as "Batshit Crazyville."

    Meanwhile, while the Mamluks were trying to decide who to behead next, the Mongol Empire, under control of the Mongols (which, I think, goes without saying) was expanding from Asia into Europe and Africa (for those who went to public school:  Egypt is in Africa).

The Mongols were a pretty badass people who were the inspiration for the Dothraki of Game of Thrones (yet another GOT reference).

Or was that the Huns? 
I seriously can't keep my horseback marauders straight. 

    Anyway, shortly after the death of Mongke, the Great Khan, a small Mongol army was defeated by the Egyptian Mamluks in 1290 at Ain Jalut.  This punctured the perception of Mongol invincibility. 

"That's what I get for dying. 
Effin' Mongols."

    Thus chastened, the Mongols headed off to France because word on the street was that the French were pushovers.*

    Thrilled at their success, the Mamluks threw a lavish party where reportedly some goats were violated.

"EVERY GOAT FOR HIMSELF! THEY'RE HAVING A PARTY!!"

    The Mamluks.  If it wasn’t for them, the face of the entire Middle East would be unrecognizable. 

For instance, just try getting a decent Mongolian Barbecue in Cairo.

 *Yeah, if you think this ridiculous bit of ridiculousness is true, you seriously need to turn in your high diploma.

Still, the French...