'Z' is for 'Zama'

 

    Well, we’ve finally arrived at the end of the 2025 A-Z Challenge.  I’ll soon return to my usual one per week post (you deserve it).  But, we have one more to go.

    Anyway, for my ‘Z’ post (or, as Birgit from BB Creations tells me, it's actually ‘Zed’), I’ll go with yet another topic from the ancient world (of the twenty five letters so far, seven have been about ancient history, so you probably know my type).  So, in keeping with what I’m most interested in, this final bit of nonsense mixed with genuine facts is about the Battle of Zama during the Third Punic War in 202 BC (or, to you politically correct ninnies...sigh...you should know it by now).

By Ridley Scott  
Featuring Patton Oswalt as "Piss Boy"

    As some of you know, the second of the wars between Rome and Carthage was the closest of the three.  Hannibal Barca (of the Tunisian Barcas) came very near to defeating the forces of the emerging power in the Mediterranean.  In fact, were it not for his elephants being afraid of Roman mice,*  folks like Julius Caesar, Cicero, and Flavius Marcus Trumpinus (of the MRGA** movement) might have ended up as Carthaginian sex slaves.

Hannibal-the one with the elephants

    But, it was not to be.

    The Roman Army of 30,000, commanded by General Publius Cornelius Scipio squared off against the Carthaginians, commanded by Hannibal, and numbering between 40,000 and 50,000 (including 80 war elephants) at Zama, in modern-day Tunisia. 

"AGAIN WITH THE ELEPHANTS!"

    For those good in math, 

Not me

this meant that the Romans were outnumbered.

    But, despite how cool they looked, those goddamn elephants would prove to be a wicked bad idea.

    Hannibal opened up the battle with a charge by the elephants into Roman lines.  However, they panicked when the Romans opened up several boxes of mice  and fled back to the Carthaginians.

"SON OF A....!!!"

    This opened up the door for the Roman cavalry to lay waste to their foes.

    When all was said and done, 20,000 Carthaginians lay dead on the battlefield, with an equal number taken prisoner.  Roman losses were 1,500 killed and 1,500 taken prisoner.

And we all know what happens when the Romans take you prisoner

    Eleven of those pain in the ass elephants survived and were also taken prisoner by the Romans.

Who then used them for rides in the Circus Maximus

    His army basically gone, Hannibal urged his government to accept Roman peace terms.  Carthage was stripped of her overseas possessions and even some of her African ones (not the crazy beheading ones, though).  Hannibal went into exile, no one knows where.  Although....

"Frikkin' elephants." 

    The victorious Roman general was given a triumph in Rome, awarded designation of “Africanus” after his name (to include vanity license plates on his chariot), and membership in the ‘Jelly of the Month Club.’

"It's the gift which keeps on giving!"

    Carthage?  Well, even though it seemed finished, it would return in the “Third Punic War-This Time, It’s Personal!”

    Although SPOILER ALERT, it wouldn’t end so well for them then, either.    

"DAFUQ!!??  You think we would've learned!!

   

*this is not true

**Make Rome Great Again

'Y' is for 'Yellow Turban Rebellion'

 

    Like many of you, I learned Western History.  This was before the Department of Education, you understand, so my schooling was pretty solid, if terrifying (i.e., dispensed by nuns wielding rulers like samurai).  I learned how human beings started as apes (or Adam and Eve-remember, Catholic School), became cavemen, developed civilizations in Mesopotamia/Greece/Rome, forgot how to bathe during the Middle Ages, started exploring the world (if, for nothing else, to get away from the smell), colonized the “New World,” put a man on the moon, and then set electric vehicles on fire.

"Mama mia, we gotta getta outta here. This place, she's a stink."

    But, we were taught very little about parts of the world away from Europe.  Despite prejudice from those who think nothing important ever came from there (not all of you, but some of you), civilization flourished in places like Mesoamerica and Asia.

    I don’t know about you, but what I did learn about these regions were against the backdrop of their interaction with the West (e.g., Spanish conquistadores, Commodore Perry forcing Japan to trade with other nations, Japanese sex dolls, etc.).

"Okay, first we give them Christ.  Then, we kill them.  Agreed?"

    So, I enjoy learning about these other cultures.

   The Yellow Turban (or Yellow Scarves) Rebellion was a peasant…uh…rebellion which took place during the Eastern Han Dynasty of China, 

As opposed to the Han Solo Dynasty. 
Which was in another galaxy.  Far, far away.

starting in 185 C.E. (or AD 185, for you politically correct ninnies).  This all happened during the reign of Emperor Ling.

Of the Luoyang Lings

    NOTE:  By comparison, the Roman Emperor at the time was Commodus.  And we all know how well that turned out.

Hollywood Commodus

Real Commodus. 
Happy? 
Hey, they were both killed.

       While the major part of the rebellion was quashed by 185, elements continued on until 205.  The Han armies emerged victorious, but the destruction was so profound that the dynasty was weakened by the effort and collapsed soon after (think France after World War I).  It was supplanted by what became known as the Three Kingdoms from 220-280.

Then again, France

    Which was replaced by some more Chinese people.

    Hey, I did enough research, you know.  I’m not in school anymore.

    The revolt took its name from the headgear worn by the rebels.  Yellow Turbans (or Yellow Scarves-whatever.  That’s okay, because this is a ‘Y’ post).

"Hey, what the fuck?  Which side are we on?"

"That's better."

    Why did the peasants revolt, you might ask?  Well, they were fed up with the corruption coming from the emperor’s court.  Apparently, he was increasingly coming under the influence of the many court eunuchs which wanted even more power.

"You know, since we can't get laid."

    So, the common folk grew tired of all those guys with no balls-and an emperor who acted as if he had no balls-and threw their support behind regional warlords who promised to MCGA*

    The end result of the rebellion was the increased importance of regional governors-warlords, a turning point in the influence of Taoism, and thousands of yellow turbans ending up in Chinese garage sales.

    At least according to Wikipedia.

    As far as I know.  The nuns weren’t too clear on that.

 

"It doesn't matter.  They weren't even Protestants. 
Now, knuckles if ye please, boyo."

*Make China Great Again

'X' is for 'Xerxes."

Full Disclosure:  I think I've written about Xerxes every year that I did the A-Z Challenge.  Partly, because the letter 'X' is somewhat challenging.  But, mostly because the topic tickles me.  

      Sure to be a future Easter classic, 300 on TNT is the story of 300 (that’s where they get the title...duh) Spartans led by King Gerard Butler against the evil Persians of...uh...Persia.

Told ya.

Interestingly enough, 300 also featured Lena Headey. 
You may recognize her as Cers...naw, that would be too easy

    For almost two hours, these brave warriors use sword, spear, and pectoral muscles against the very best the enemy can fling at them.  It’s only after the treachery of some guy who would make Congresswoman Rosa de Lauro from Connecticut look attractive that the Greeks are defeated.

You know, on second thought...

"HEY!!"

    Rather than the buff-boy Spartans, I grew curious about Leonidas’ opponent, Xerxes.

"Hey, how can you separate the men from the boys in Greece?"
"I dunno.  How?"
"A crowbar." 

    Xerxes the Great was born in 519 BC (or "BCE" to you politically-correct ninnies) to Atossa and Darius the Great.  Both of his parents were descended from Achaemenes, but of different Achaemenid lines.  The source documents are pretty clear on that as they wanted to leave no doubt there was no incest hanky-panky going on.  After all, they weren’t Egyptians.  

After all, what could go wrong with that?

    Anyway, Darius knew that marrying a daughter of the great Cyrus the Great (but I’m being redundant) would certainly help his plan for kingship.  Plus, it would smooth his application to the Nineveh Country Club.

    NOTE:  Apparently, the suffix “the Great” was a pretty big thing in ancient Persia.  

Which was why Darius' little brother, Herschel the So-So, was never taken seriously

    Anyway, Darius was pissed at off at everyone, from Babylon to that guy who sold him those Kinoki foot pads.  But, he was most hacked off at the Greeks.  Who, besides having grass and a recipe for some kick-ass souvlaki, had some of the sweetest nude beaches in the Mediterranean.  So, he made intense preparations for an invasion of...Egypt.

    Hey, I didn’t write this stuff.

    Before he left the country, he was required to name a successor.  I guess this was just in case he got whacked.  Or was having too much fun on a Greek beach.

    Before doing so, he contracted with Gambino and Sons building contractors to build him a tomb.  After permits were finally approved once the Zoning Officer found the head of a camel in his bed, construction began at Naqsh-e Rostam (yeah, I’m not going to look it up, either).  Freed from the stress of planning his final resting spot and picking out window treatments, Darius then named his son, Xerxes, as his successor.

This Xerxes.

Not LGBTQ+1 Xerxes.

     Okay, this has become wicked long.  You’re probably getting pretty tired of reading this.  Besides, you have other Challenge posts to get to.  So...I have a few choices: 

1.  I could edit this way down.  But, that would deny you valuable insight into the story of a man who terrorized the cradle of democracy.  Plus, editing’s hard.

2.  I could keep writing.  But, that would result in a beastly long post which would make a Stephen King novel look as big as “The Wit and Wisdom of Al Gore.”  You’d then stop reading and off you’d go to www.bigbooty.com (I’ve no idea if this is a real site).

HINT:  I wouldn't click on it, though.  Just to be safe.

3.  Or I could continue this tomorrow.  But, the A-Z Challenge requires that I go on to the next letter, which is ‘Y.’  Sure, I could write Xerxes Part II in addition to a post on ‘Y,’ but are you nuts?  This stuff is tough enough.

    So, I’m going to continue this sometime in May. 

In other words...to be continued on May 5th... 

in ...

 The Great Xerxes the Great Sequel!

'W' is for 'Wallace'

 

Full Disclosure:  I thoroughly enjoyed the 1995 Mel Gibson film, Braveheart.  In fact, it’s one of those movies (along with The Godfather, Goodfellas, and Booty Call), that I’ll stop and watch as I channel-surf.  However, like The Patriot  (huh, should’ve also included that one.  I really like that, too), Mel has taken flagrant liberty with historical fact.  Doesn’t diminish my enjoyment. It just is what it is.

 ********

Sir William Wallace (ca 1270- August 23, 1305) has become famous for leading his countrymen against occupation by England during the First War of Scottish Independence.  For his crime of “treason,” he was brutally executed in London with his body parts being spread throughout the land as a warning.

 In no certain order….

I.  Kus Primae Noctis, the law which states the local noble has the right to bed a Scottish woman on her wedding night...

"Dibs."

There is no evidence that this actually existed.

II.  Battle of Stirling Bridge

The movie battle was missing rebellion leader, Andrew Mornay

And...the bridge.

III.  Braveheart

The honorific most accurately belonged to Robert the Bruce.  When his buddy, James Douglas went to fight the Moors, he carried Robert's heart with him (imagine the smell).  NOTE:  The quick-witted among you would realize that Robert was probably dead.  When Douglas launched into battle with the Saracens (aka 'Moors.'  Possibly 'Moops.'), he threw the heart at them, crying, "Lead on, brave heart, lead on!"

IV.  William Wallace's father

"You mean that death thing was bollocks?"

His name was Alan, not Malcolm.  And he was likely alive during William's rebellion.  But, so proud that he put his son's accomplishments on the Wallace refrigerator.   

V.  William's Uncle Argyle

"More shite, laddie!"

Completely Hollywood fabrication.

VI.  William Wallace:  Simple Highlander farmer

Yeah, no.

Actually, he was a Scottish noble of lowland stock.  Who still probably pooped outside.

VII.  Isabella, wife of Edward II, future Queen of England (she, not he)

"Hey, keeps my chin warm.  Get off my ass."

The two likely never met.  Besides, she was three years old during the Battle of Falkirk.  Either Gibson really took creative liberties or William was a wicked pedophile.

VIII.  Wallace's facepaint

Yeah, that shit was soooooo 4th century!

IX.  Two-Handed Claymore

Looks, badass but...

That type of sword wouldn't be around until the 16th century.  Scots used swords, shields, and vicious titty-twisters along with Indian burns instead.

X.  Longshanks died when William did

"No, seriously, it's just a cold.  Crap, I shoulda worn that thing my daughter-in-law has."

Actually, despite the fact it made for great cinema, Edward Longshanks died two years after Wallace did.

XI.  William Wallace death

Okay, yeah, they pretty much got that right.  Although, if anything, it was worse. 
Still gross, though.

Bottom line, you shouldn't take Hollywood as gospel (it's a lot like Penwasser Place that way).  For whatever reason, as entertaining as movies often are, their loyalty to historical accuracy should always be taken with a grain of salt.

Now that I mention it, I'm starting to question that whole Titanic thing.  

'V' is for 'Veterans Day'

NOTE:  Okay, this is pretty much a repeat of a post I've written. But, hey, I've composed twenty original posts for the A-Z Challenge.  I think I'm entitled to a bit of a breather.  The way I figure it, though, this meets my theme of "history," and it complies with the letter "V."  If you disagree, sue me.  

    On November 11th, 1918 (the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month), the Germans surrendered to the Allied powers in the Forest of Compiegne, France (they heard they could get some killer pastries), ending what was then known as the Great War. 

Little did they know there'd be a sequel in twenty years

    The following November, President Woodrow Wilson declared "Armistice Day” would henceforth be observed in honor of those who had fallen during the “war to end all wars.”

    Then, he had a stroke leaving his wife, Edith to run the government.  Which begs the question, how sucky was the vice-president?

A racist and a bit of a sanctimonious prig, but at least he gave us the Internal Revenue Service. 
Hey.  Wait. 

    Following the Second World War (the “good” war, an oxymoron if I ever heard one), the town of Emporia, Kansas changed “Armistice” to “Veterans” Day.  The idea was to honor everyone who had served in the armed forces rather than only those who’d fought against the Kaiser.

Not to be confused with kaiser rolls.

    As the years went by, the idea of setting a special day aside for veterans took hold.  In 1954, Congress made the name change official and President Eisenhower called on all Americans to observe the day.  But, surprisingly, it took until 1971 for Richard Nixon to declare it a federal holiday.

"I am not a croo...oh, wait.  hat Veterans Day thing was a good idea."

    And here some of thought that the Eleventh Day of the Eleventh Month was just about car sales, no mail, and bargains on bed linen.

Incidentally, I know the other victors of the First World War (United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, and so on) have their own days.  In this crazy-ass world in which we find ourselves, let's hold on to that which unites us, rather than the other way around.  I salute you all.  Yes, France, even you.