Have a Holly Jolly Song

 And then make fun of it...

As some of you may know, I work at Ace, Home of the Helpful Hardware Person.  And me.  Trust me, my experiences there are the stuff of books.  Interestingly enough, I'm in the process of writing one, titled "What Can We Help You Find?"

Don't worry, today's post isn't about that.

Although, would it kill you to buy one of the books I've already written?

No, it's about the radio which plays while we work.  It's tuned to an "All-Christmas" station.  

Now, don't get me wrong.  I love Christmas.  The gathering together of friends, the exchanging of gifts, the wondrous colorful displays, the sticking of GI Joe in your sister's EZ Bake Oven*...pretty standard stuff, really.

"It burns!  Dear Lord, it burns! 
My Kung Fu grip is powerless!"
NOTE:  this is a repeat of a picture from my last post.  I had to use it again.  Copying pictures can get expensive.
SECOND NOTE:  Yeah, that's a lie.  I don't pay a cent for these things.

  

No, I wish to complain/comment on all these GD songs, most of which are from my childhood (this has resulted in me changing the lyrics for some of them).  Decades later, I'm still singing them.

Still, it's torture, I tell you.  I'd rather be stuck in an EZ Bake Oven.

"No, you wouldn't."

So, in no certain order**... 

"Deck the Halls"
Comes with two mocking opportunities!

"Don we now, our gay apparel."

Hey, now.

and the part where I change the lyrics..."Deck the Halls With Parts of Molly."

So far, no one has called the cops.

"Jingle Bells" 

A childhood favorite, I'll sometimes sing, "Dashing through the snow in a beat-up Chevrolet..."

But, the all-time favorite version has to be, come on, you know...

I figured you did.

"Winter Wonderland"

"...in the meadow we will find a snowman and pretend he is Parson Brown..."

Upon which they starting talking to the...snowman.  Imagine the kind of psychedelics those two got ahold of.  

How could they tell it was a snowman, you might ask?

Snowballs.

Why was the snowman happy?

He heard the snowblower was coming.

 

"Do You Hear What I Hear?"

Whenever I hear, "A child, a child, shivering in the cold, we will bring him silver and gold," I shout at the radio, "HEY, HOW ABOUT GETTING THE KID A FRIKKIN' BLANKET!  THREE WISE MEN, INDEED!"

"Hippopotamus for Christmas"

Hopefully this kid's parents know that hippos are some of the most dangerous creatures on the planet.  Even if they weren't, IMAGINE how much crap those things put out.  No thanks.

"You've no idea.  Don't let this cartoony appearance fool you."

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"

If this isn't a song which should be on Jerry Springer, I don't know what else.  Not for nothing, Michael Jackson sang it.  And look at what happened to Michael Jackson.  Coincidence?

"Then Santa showed her his Yule Log." 

"Joy to the World"

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, accompanied by shepherds, angels, donkeys, three wise men***, a couple of camels, mom, stepdad, and a bullfrog.  Named Jeremiah.

Thanks, Three Dog Night!

"Hey, doing what we can to keep the Christmas spirit alive."

"Santa Baby"

This "Whorefest" is, by far, a Christmas song that I hate.  It has nothing to do with Madonna, I swear****.

Although...

"Baby, It's Cold Outside"

Even though this is as much a Christmas song as "Die Hard" is a Christmas movie, I have to point out the sexist, "rapey" nature of this thing.  Plus, it's kind of "ick."

"Come on, man.  It's my favorite!"

"O Come All Ye Faithful"

One of my childhood's all-time classics, we were making fun of this song's title, long before we really understood what we were laughing at.

I think you know why.

In fact, since we were convinced the nuns were on to us, they made us sing the Latin version, "Adestes Fideles."

"You got that right, cheeky boyo.  There'll be no coming here. 
At least with another person. 
Oops, I hope you're nae getting my drift."

Thankfully, though, Christmas will soon be over and the music will switch over to Top 40.  And non-stop Taylor Swift.

Oh, eff.

*to understand what I'm talking about, I invite you to read the post before this.  Don't worry, we'll still be here when you get back.

**mostly because I don't feel like putting them in order.  Saturday night TV's coming on, yo. 

***I know the Magi didn't show up until a couple weeks later.  Don't bother correcting me.  Or did you confuse this with a documentary?

****Yes, I know she sang it way before she destroyed her looks.  But, she was skank then, she's a lizard skank now.