A Little Bit of Learning

 The following is just what I remember from being a nerd who read a lot when he was a teenager because he was too shy to date girls.  Little did this bashful teenager know that he would go on to marry three women who shared outrageously low standards in men.

Which always seemed odd to me
as I considered myself a bit of a hottie.

    Steven Grover Cleveland was born on March 18, 1837 in the town of Caldwell, New Jersey, near the New Jersey Turnpike.  His parents preferred to call him "Grover," because they could not agree on whether to spell his first name "Stephen" or "Steven."

NOTE:  This may not be true.

Of course, they may have thought differently
had they been able to see into the future.

NOTE:  This, too, is wild conjecture.

    After serving a term as President of the 1855 senior class at Caldwell High School (home of the unfortunately named 'Fighting Rebels'), young Grover developed a taste for politics.

NOTE:  Yeah, definitely not true.  Why do you keep bothering? 

"Unfortunate because of the coming Civil War."
"Ohhhhhhhhh,  Wanna go cow-tipping?"

    Grover went on to become Mayor of Buffalo.

NOTE:  Although true (surprise!), I don't remember how he went from New Jersey to New York.

    Later, he became Governor of New York.

NOTE:  Also true.  I'm on a roll!

    Finally, he secured the 1884 nomination of the Democratic Party for President and went on to defeat James Blaine.  By doing so, he became the first Democrat to win the presidency since James Buchanan.  

"I apparently set the standard for 'suck.' 
But, hey, I'm dead.  So up yours."

    Unfortunately (well, for him.  I don't care), Cleveland, despite winning the popular vote, lost the electoral vote and the presidency to Benjamin Harrison in 1888.

"Hmm...won the popular vote but lost the electoral vote. 
That sounds familiar."

      However, since Harrison achieved a Buchanan level of suck, Cleveland won the presidency back in 1892.

"Naw, it was the beard.  People hated the beard."

    Cleveland was noted for his views on self-reliance, integrity, commitment to classic liberalism, and fondness for the Daily Jumble in the Washington Post.

NOTE:  Okay, that last bit probably isn't true.  I seriously can't help myself.

    He was an anti-imperialist who was against the annexation of Hawaii because he was allergic to pineapples.

"Plus, I bet he would've hated tiny bubbles.  In da wine."

    He was a strong supporter of the gold standard, was against corruption, and gave his name to an Ohio city on Lake Erie.

NOTE:  Yeah, that definitely isn't true.

    However, the Panic of 1893 plunged the United States into a severe depression.  Whether rightly or wrongly (I can't remember), American voters determined that Democrats should never hold the reins of power again and gave the presidency of 1896 to the Republican, William McKinley.

  Thinking "Screw it," Cleveland left Washington.   

NOTE:  Actually, his health was deteriorating during his presidency.  Fighting cancer, he probably knew he was in no shape to run for office again (he actually could have-restrictions to a president serving more than two terms were many decades away).

    Grover Cleveland died of a heart attack in Princeton, New Jersey (a-ha!  Back to Jersey) in 1908.

Which would explain this on the Jersey Turnpike.

   You may be wondering why I chose to write about a relatively unremarkable president.

Although, compared to Chester Arthur, he was Abraham Lincoln.

    Well, Grover Cleveland was the only man in American history to have been elected to two non-consecutive terms as president.

    Until last week.

"And I approve of this message."

"Beard don't look so bad now, does it?"