A Little Bit of Learning

 The following is just what I remember from being a nerd who read a lot when he was a teenager because he was too shy to date girls.  Little did this bashful teenager know that he would go on to marry three women who shared outrageously low standards in men.

Which always seemed odd to me
as I considered myself a bit of a hottie.

    Steven Grover Cleveland was born on March 18, 1837 in the town of Caldwell, New Jersey, near the New Jersey Turnpike.  His parents preferred to call him "Grover," because they could not agree on whether to spell his first name "Stephen" or "Steven."

NOTE:  This may not be true.

Of course, they may have thought differently
had they been able to see into the future.

NOTE:  This, too, is wild conjecture.

    After serving a term as President of the 1855 senior class at Caldwell High School (home of the unfortunately named 'Fighting Rebels'), young Grover developed a taste for politics.

NOTE:  Yeah, definitely not true.  Why do you keep bothering? 

"Unfortunate because of the coming Civil War."
"Ohhhhhhhhh,  Wanna go cow-tipping?"

    Grover went on to become Mayor of Buffalo.

NOTE:  Although true (surprise!), I don't remember how he went from New Jersey to New York.

    Later, he became Governor of New York.

NOTE:  Also true.  I'm on a roll!

    Finally, he secured the 1884 nomination of the Democratic Party for President and went on to defeat James Blaine.  By doing so, he became the first Democrat to win the presidency since James Buchanan.  

"I apparently set the standard for 'suck.' 
But, hey, I'm dead.  So up yours."

    Unfortunately (well, for him.  I don't care), Cleveland, despite winning the popular vote, lost the electoral vote and the presidency to Benjamin Harrison in 1888.

"Hmm...won the popular vote but lost the electoral vote. 
That sounds familiar."

      However, since Harrison achieved a Buchanan level of suck, Cleveland won the presidency back in 1892.

"Naw, it was the beard.  People hated the beard."

    Cleveland was noted for his views on self-reliance, integrity, commitment to classic liberalism, and fondness for the Daily Jumble in the Washington Post.

NOTE:  Okay, that last bit probably isn't true.  I seriously can't help myself.

    He was an anti-imperialist who was against the annexation of Hawaii because he was allergic to pineapples.

"Plus, I bet he would've hated tiny bubbles.  In da wine."

    He was a strong supporter of the gold standard, was against corruption, and gave his name to an Ohio city on Lake Erie.

NOTE:  Yeah, that definitely isn't true.

    However, the Panic of 1893 plunged the United States into a severe depression.  Whether rightly or wrongly (I can't remember), American voters determined that Democrats should never hold the reins of power again and gave the presidency of 1896 to the Republican, William McKinley.

  Thinking "Screw it," Cleveland left Washington.   

NOTE:  Actually, his health was deteriorating during his presidency.  Fighting cancer, he probably knew he was in no shape to run for office again (he actually could have-restrictions to a president serving more than two terms were many decades away).

    Grover Cleveland died of a heart attack in Princeton, New Jersey (a-ha!  Back to Jersey) in 1908.

Which would explain this on the Jersey Turnpike.

   You may be wondering why I chose to write about a relatively unremarkable president.

Although, compared to Chester Arthur, he was Abraham Lincoln.

    Well, Grover Cleveland was the only man in American history to have been elected to two non-consecutive terms as president.

    Until last week.

"And I approve of this message."

"Beard don't look so bad now, does it?"

The Eleventh Hour of the Eleventh Day of the Eleventh Month

 

     Happy Veterans Day!

    I know most of you are expecting my typical wise-guy approach (for those of who aren’t, what have you been reading?).  Most of the time I oblige because there’s a lot of the ludicrous in our lives (if you think I’m wrong, just remember:  Donald Trump's hair). 

    This one time, though, no wisecracks, no innuendos, no witty asides.  In a break from my usual “shtick,” I’m going to play it straight and briefly speak on the significance of the eleventh day of the eleventh month.

    NOTE:  Okay, one wisecrack.  Aren’t “innuendos” Italian suppositories?

    On November 11th, 1918, the Germans surrendered to the Allied powers in the Forest of Compiegne, ending what was then known as the Great War.  Little did they know there would be a sequel nearly 21 years later.

    But that’s another story.

    The following November, noted scold and racist President Woodrow Wilson declared that “Armistice Day” would henceforth be observed in honor of those who had fallen during the “war to end all wars” (kinda dropped the ball with THAT one, didn’t we?).

    Following the Second World War (the “good” war, an oxymoron if I ever heard one), the town of Emporia, Kansas changed “Armistice” to “Veterans” Day.  The idea was to honor everyone who had served in the armed forces rather than only those who’d fought against the Kaiser.

    As the years went by, the idea of setting a special day aside for veterans took hold throughout the nation.  In 1954, Congress made the name change official while President Eisenhower called on all Americans to observe the day.  But, surprisingly, it took until 1971 for Richard Nixon to declare it a federal holiday.

    In the years since, it’s become little more than an excuse to hold blowout sales on everything from bed linen to used cars (“Buy this Chevy because Patton would have wanted you to.”).  Ceremonies marking the day have been lost in the madcap frenzy of pre-Christmas commercialism.  In fact, what was once a universal day off has turned into pretty much a “federal government employees only” respite.

    It’s like Columbus Day that way.

    I don’t have a problem with this, per se, if it was still recognized for the solemn event that it is.  After all, Veterans Day is much more than sleeping in late and watching Sponge Bob Squarepants in your pajamas while wolfing down a bowl of “Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.”

    Unfortunately, many people don’t even know what Veterans Day is all about.  While at work on a November 11^th many years ago, I was flabbergasted when the morning announcements proclaimed Veterans Day merely as a “day to recognize older people who had a lot of experience.”

    What!?  Now, I don’t wish to denigrate Grandpa’s fly-fishing prowess and, boy howdy, ain’t it cool that Great-Aunt Tilly can knit a quilt with her feet, but c’mon!  Since when is bowling a perfect game the same as convoy duty in Afghanistan?  Quick answer-it’s not.

    As a result, I spent the balance of the day quizzing my coworkers on whether they knew what put the “veteran” in Veterans Day.  Sadly, I was depressed by their appalling lack of knowledge, as very few of them actually understood what all the fuss was about.  But, you can bet your bottom dollar they knew who the frontrunners were on “Dancing With the Stars.”

    Shocking as it was, I know they weren’t the only ones who had no clue that the 11th of November was different than any other day.  It goes without saying there’s a need to set a few things straight. 

    So, I call on all of us who know better to teach others about Veterans Day.  Urge those around you to take a moment to remember our veterans and those who are still in harm’s way.

    You don’t have to go to a flag-raising ceremony, attend a parade, or even buy one of those “Buddy Poppies” (although I do, because I enjoy talking to those guys).  You don’t have to agree on this war or that war and you certainly don’t have to watch The Sands of Iwo Jima at attention.

    If nothing else, reflect on the service of all those who have worn, and continue to wear, our nation’s uniform.  From Lexington to Kabul, they deserve our respect and our thanks.

    As a veteran myself, I salute them all.