Boo

 

      I love Halloween.

      Yes <<sigh>> I know, I know...it’s a holiday allegedly drenched in Satanic roots, replete with all sorts of horrifying images meant to invoke fear in mortals: ghosts, goblins, witches, Hillary, blah, blah, blah.

     

"I love Halloween because it is my favorite of all the holidays and was invented by an ancestor of mine, Phineas Trump Barnum, who was married to my great-great grandmother, Livinia Warren who left that loser first husband of hers, General Tom Thumb, who I don't think was even a general at all but a charlatan, a fake, a phony, and drifter in the circus-or was that a carnival?-but it was too bad, sad, really, that P.T. never got the credit he deserved because the election of 1876 was rigged and the newspapers claimed Halloween was an invention by Democrats which anyone with half a brain would know was a lie, but my loyal followers and I know the truth and know that I plan on unveiling my latest costume as Florida Governor which will no doubt terrify anyone stupid enough to answer their door even though I was going to go as a doughnut but Chris Christie scares me."

  

    Rather than surrender to the Dark Lord(or Donald Trump-I could never get that straight), the politically correct observe the holiday via “Fall Parades”, “Autumn Parties”, or “Insert-Festive-Name-Here Celebrations.”

      The hand-wringing crowd also prefers that children not dress up as traditional spooky characters; instead, they like to see non-threatening alter-egos such as “Insurance Salesman”, “Foot Doctor”, or “Blue Man Group.”

Or Dylan Mulvaney

      Oh, c’mon!  I remember taking my kids to a pre-Halloween celebration.  Not once did I sense the icy grip of Lucifer on their pillowcases full of Snickers and Jolly Ranchers.  Somehow, I doubt the Devil resides in clowns and ballerinas.

      Extortionist Trick-Or-Treating aside, it’s just a fun day for kids to dress up and go (ok, let’s call it for what it is) pandering door to door for goodies.  I’m not going to begrudge them a chance to have fun just because some simpering ninnies think the day glorifies evil.

Might wanna steer clear of this, though.

Or this.

      Halloween was a big deal when we were kids.  We began planning what we were going to wear and where we’d visit before school even started.  I remember…Superman, Green Hornet, Spiderman (yes, even then), Hulk, Frankenstein, Mummy, “Glow-In-The-Dark Skeleton”, Underdog, and “Criminally Insane Druggist” (which never caught on for some reason).

"Wait. You mean I could have glowed in the dark?
Why, you cheap bastard!"

      Unlike nowadays, we were never bird-dogged by our parents as we ran like lunatics throughout our neighborhoods, feasting on insane amounts of chocolate.

      We knew the unwritten Halloween codes: only go to houses with their lights on, be on the lookout for needles in the Milky Ways, don’t bother with the convent, avoid Mr. Mraz’s house, and take only one piece of candy from the bowl of those too lazy to hand them out themselves. 

Why, uh, surrrrrreeeee. 
We always followed that rule. 
Suckers.

      Oh, and fling eggs at the houses of those who dared to hand out apples, popcorn balls, pennies, and ketchup packets.

      We couldn’t get enough of what we saw as a great deal.  So, from six o’clock (or dark-it HAD to be dark) until nine, we went knocking on doors hoping we’d score enough candy that our arms would go numb from lugging around our sacks (Of CANDY!  Keep it clean!).

    Since we went to Catholic School, we had an additional good deal because the next day was All Saints Day.  To those “in the club”, so to speak, that meant November 1st was a “Holy Day of Obligation” and so, a day off from school.

    Our “holy obligation,” of course, was to shove candy down our throats when we got home, wake up, eat some Sugar Smacks, inhale more Three Musketeers, watch cartoons, and make fun of the public school kids as they trudged off to class.

     

The same public school kids who'd hang us
from stop signs by our underwear come November 2nd.

      

"Which is exactly what you'd deserve, ye cheeky scamps, for deserting the Lord for Reese's, Snickers, and Mounds!" 

Or Almond Joy. 
You know, the kind with nuts.

     My point is, what’s wrong with a holiday that gives children a chance to play dress up, carve pumpkins, and gorge themselves on goodies which are doomed to become petrified lumps of sugar in a bag on top of the refrigerator?

      Nothing.

      After all, Satan doesn’t like Peanut M&Ms.

"Hey, I have allergies! FU!"