I love Halloween.
Yes
<<sigh>> I know, I know...it’s a holiday allegedly drenched in
Satanic roots, replete with all sorts of horrifying images meant to invoke fear
in mortals: ghosts, goblins, witches, Hillary, blah, blah, blah.
Rather than surrender to the Dark Lord(or Donald Trump-I could never get that straight), the politically correct observe the holiday via “Fall Parades”, “Autumn Parties”, or “Insert-Festive-Name-Here Celebrations.”
The
hand-wringing crowd also prefers that children not dress up as traditional
spooky characters; instead, they like to see non-threatening alter-egos such as
“Insurance Salesman”, “Foot Doctor”, or “Blue Man Group.”
Or Dylan Mulvaney |
Oh,
c’mon! I remember taking my kids to a
pre-Halloween celebration. Not once did
I sense the icy grip of Lucifer on their pillowcases full of Snickers and Jolly
Ranchers. Somehow, I doubt the Devil
resides in clowns and ballerinas.
Extortionist
Trick-Or-Treating aside, it’s just a fun day for kids to dress up and go (ok,
let’s call it for what it is) pandering door to door for goodies. I’m not going to begrudge them a chance to
have fun just because some simpering ninnies think the day glorifies evil.
Might wanna steer clear of this, though. |
Or this. |
"Wait. You mean I could have glowed in the dark? Why, you cheap bastard!" |
Unlike
nowadays, we were never bird-dogged by our parents as we ran like lunatics
throughout our neighborhoods, feasting on insane amounts of chocolate.
We
knew the unwritten Halloween codes: only go to houses with their lights on, be
on the lookout for needles in the Milky Ways, don’t bother with the convent, avoid
Mr. Mraz’s house, and take only one piece of candy from the bowl of those too
lazy to hand them out themselves.
Why, uh, surrrrrreeeee. We always followed that rule. Suckers. |
Oh, and fling eggs at the houses of those who dared
to hand out apples, popcorn balls, pennies, and ketchup packets.
We
couldn’t get enough of what we saw as a great deal. So, from six o’clock (or dark-it HAD to be
dark) until nine, we went knocking on doors hoping we’d score enough candy that
our arms would go numb from lugging around our sacks (Of CANDY! Keep it clean!).
Since we went to Catholic School, we had an
additional good deal because the next day was All Saints Day. To those “in the club”, so to speak, that
meant November 1st was a “Holy Day of Obligation” and so, a day off from
school.
Our “holy obligation,” of course, was to shove
candy down our throats when we got home, wake up, eat some Sugar Smacks, inhale
more Three Musketeers, watch cartoons, and make fun of the public school kids
as they trudged off to class.
The same public school kids who'd hang us from stop signs by our underwear come November 2nd. |
"Which is exactly what you'd deserve, ye cheeky scamps, for deserting the Lord for Reese's, Snickers, and Mounds!" |
Or Almond Joy. You know, the kind with nuts. |
My point is, what’s wrong with a holiday that gives children a chance to play dress up, carve pumpkins, and gorge themselves on goodies which are doomed to become petrified lumps of sugar in a bag on top of the refrigerator?
Nothing.
After
all, Satan doesn’t like Peanut M&Ms.
"Hey, I have allergies! FU!" |