Big Boned

  As much as I don't like Trump and think he will be a disaster in the general election, I also think the zoftig former governor of New Jersey has an even worse shot of hearing "Hail to the Chief" when he thunders into the room.

   Still, having a "heavier-than-average" Chief Executive is not without precedent (which rhymes with "president."  Fun With Words!).

  At 330 pounds (or so), William Howard Taft holds the distinction of heaviest American president (which rhymes with "precedent."  Fun With Words!).

"So, Mr. President, I've heard you have some words of encouragement for Governor Christie in his quest for the Oval Office?"

"Why, yes I do.  And thank you for having me on your show, Ms. Obscure News Reporter who Penwasser found during an internet search.  Why, yes, there is precedent..."

"Which rhymes with "president."

"Fun With Words! Anyway, there have been big-boned residents of the White House.  Take me, for example, my size did not prevent me from holding office.  Finding my penis, perhaps, but not being Commander-in-Chief."

"But, that was before the internet and 24/7 news coverage."

"You make a valid point.  But, I could be the governor's VP.  Imagine the campaign slogan, 'Tons of Fun and a Chicken In Every Pot.  Unless We Eat It First.'"

"But...you're dead."


"Okay, valid point."




Meanwhile, at Dunkin'....


"That's right, two dozen munchkins.  Wait. 
They're the small ones aren't they?  Make that three dozen."

Fun With Joey

 I said it years ago: the dude is a comedy gold mine.

"Hey, listen Barack.  No joke, when I went to London, I expected to meet Queen Victoria.  God save her, man!  So, who's the decrepit old geezer I see?"

"You're looking in the mirror again, Joe."

Just Another Day

 

Had yet to master the art of reading when otherwise engaged.

Happy Birthday to me.

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t expect a flood of congratulatory messages or even expressions of, “Good Lord, you’re still alive!?”  My ego, as big as it is, realizes that not many of you will be inclined to do so. 

After all, there’s a lot going on in the world which is far more important than me.  Like a war in Eastern Europe, a former president facing jail time, and whether a can of Bud Light can automatically change your gender.

In fact, were it not for Facebook notifications, scarce few of you would even take the time to wish me a happy day.  Even though it would only take a few seconds to offer me said “happy day” message.  Would a few seconds kill you?

Joke’s on you, though.  My Facebook account is set up so that my birthday won’t even be displayed.

Or sexual preference.   But, suffice it to say, I don’t drink Bud Light.

I really don’t like to make a fuss over what is, in reality, just another day.

Although, today and tomorrow are Amazon Prime days.  Which I’m sure is just a coincidence.  Still, if you wanted to mail me a gift, you could save some money.

More to the point, I doubt many (or any) of you will take the time to read this entire hideous post all the way through.  If nothing else, most of you will just check in to see what kind of pictures I’ve inserted.  Or you’ll read just enough so that you can leave a comment intended to fool me into thinking that you had read this entire thing.

That’s okay, because that’s exactly what I do.  Except for your posts.  I read them in their entirety.  Swear to God.

So, why am I even writing this (providing you got this far)?   Well, I’ll tell you this.  It’s not because I hope to reap a financial windfall.  Or impart to you some little kernel of wisdom, wrapped deeply inside an entire post of nonsense (that much is sure).

No, I think I’m writing this as some sort of catharsis to blunt the realization that my best days are behind me.  I’m not even middle-aged anymore.  Unless, I was going to live until 130.  Now, that may work for Keith Richards, but not me.  I’ll be spoken of in the past tense long before that.

Face it, to use a golf metaphor, I’m on the 17^th hole of life.  And the 18^th hole is a par 3.

NOTE:  If you don’t understand how devilishly clever that line is, you don’t know golf.  And are probably young enough to think electric cars are cool.

MORE GOLF:  Actually, I love electric vehicles.  As golf carts.

Anyway, I’m probably just going to run my mouth about my birthday until my fingers snap off from exhaustion on my computer.  Like I said, most (or all) of you aren’t even going to read this or, if you do, are waiting to find something upon which to comment.

Sigh…okay, I’ll give you something.  Which was the saddest movie moment for you?  I’ll go first.  Mine was when Spock died in Star Trek II.  Until he came back to life.  Until he died again in Star Trek Beyond.

"The fuck you say!"

Feel free to comment.  If any of you are still here.

Turning 65 (if you’re math smart, you would have figured that out with the “middle-aged” comment) has left me introspective.  It is the last of “milestone” birthdays.  To wit:

2:  I get out of diapers.  To which I'll eventually return.

"No joke."

5:  I started school.  Which only involved crayons and naps the first year.  Those tricky bastards.

13:  I became a teenager.  Zits included, free of charge.

Those.  And an incredible sense of fashion.

16:  Driver’s license.  Also, boners become unpredictable and relentless.

18:  Legal adulthood.  And legal drinking age.

To the generations that followed ours, please accept my sincere apologies.

21:  The real legal adulthood.  Including drinking age (once again, my apologies).

25:  The age when I could get a credit card.  Yes, yes, I realize younger people can do it now.  I really hope that makes up for that drinking thing.

30:  Nothing particularly noteworthy comes to mind, but 30!!??

35:  I could be president.  Meh.

So could he.
BFD

50:  At the time-“My God, I’m FIFTY?????”   Now:  “Fifty?  Fifty would be nice.”

61:  Boners are like common sense in Washington.  Infrequent.

This makes me sad.

62:  I retired and started collecting Social Security.  Yes, early.  Screw it.  Money’s money.

Actually, 67 is the last “milestone” year.  That is the year during which you’re considered to have reached full retirement age.  After that, my choo choo is lurching toward its final destination.

As I look back on my life, I realize that…regrets?  I have a few, but then again too few to mention (apologies to Frank Sinatra.  Whose choo choo has reached its final destination and been taken off the tracks).

My first regret was after my first experience with alcohol (“Tab?  That’s not Tab!”) as a high school junior.  It was embarrassing, so embarrassing that my sister laughed at me, so I won’t go into any detail. Probably no surprise, it involved a girl.

My biggest, totaling my car forty-three years ago, bore something of a silver lining.  As bad as it was, it resulted in my remaining in the Navy.  True, I got out for a bit a few years later, but the Navy made a tremendous  impact on my life.  Considering no one got seriously hurt and my career wasn’t torpedoed (couldn’t say the same nowadays), I’ll chalk that up as an ultimate good.

Although, it was hell for a little bit.

My first marriage?  Well, while it seemed little more than dating on steroids which eventually failed, it could have ended in disaster.  Thank goodness we didn’t reproduce.

My second marriage (yeah, I’m a player) also wound up on the rocks.  However, that could have really been bad.  But, it wasn’t.  If nothing else, it resulted in two of the joys of my life:  my son and daughter.  And, since my ex-wife and I are on friendly speaking terms, that is a regret which really isn’t a regret.

I regret leaving the Navy before I was able to serve two years in the rank to which I was selected.  On the other hand, I really don’t regret it all that much because I would no longer be separated from my kids.  And that was a good thing.

My only regret, which has no positive aspect, was hurting someone who didn’t deserve what she got.  I won’t go into it here, on the off chance that one of my friends, finding themselves impossibly bored,  reads this.  It’s possible, nay likely, they’d figure out who  I’m talking about.  Since this happened a little over five years ago, the hurt is still fresh.  And that’s something I truly regret.

My joys?  Luckily, they outweigh regrets by a long shot.  Since I’m considerate of my audience (both of you), I won’t go into a long spiel about what they are.  In short…

1.        My children.  If the goal is to give the world something which is a little better than yourself, mission accomplished.  I couldn’t be prouder of my little boy and girl (who aren’t so little anymore).

2.       A woman who, despite my dismal marital track record, treats me better than anyone ever has.  For some reason-mental illness?-she wants to be my wife.  For that, I am beyond grateful.  And remember?  Player.

3.       My career.  When all is said and done and the book of my life is being written (written  mostly by me.  See Shag Carpet Books), the chapters on the Navy will be some of the most significant.  After all, without the sea service, I wouldn’t have near the stories I have.

4.       My family.  Beyond the kids, I have a wonderful family.  More than once, I’ve been told how blessed I am that I have a amazing family network.  With the exception of our father, noted crazy person,  my family continues to shape who I am.  My brothers, sister, aunt, and cousins bring me great happiness and comfort.  And amazement that they even talk to me.

Well, I would say that about wraps it up.  You know, now that I have written this, it really was a cathartic exercise.  When I started writing, I was a little depressed at the prospect of becoming eligible for Medicare, with my  erecti brown hair a fond memory.

Little blue pills half off at CVS

After reading a…sort of… brief summary of my life, I realize that I have led a blessed one.  I know that I have a lot to look forward to.  No, not baldness.  But, the peace which comes from relishing family, friends, and the adventures which await.

That, and getting the senior discount at IHOP for, hopefully, decades to come.

 

THANKS TO ALL WHO’VE HELPED ME LIVE A LIFE WORTH LIVING.

 

Happy Birthday to me, indeed.

I have got to finish this book.  It's fascinating.

Interesting Thought

 

    When I was still in the Navy, and still had brown hair and everything worked  I often took business trips (look, just because I was in uniform didn't mean I didn't have business trips).  Whenever I would took a flight somewhere, I headed to the bookstore after the TSA strip search.

    There I would buy a Diet Coke and an issue of National Review.  I was rarely able to find the magazine anywhere else, so I took the opportunity to purchase William F. Buckley's brainchild to "review" the goings-on in the nation (huh, so that's how they came up with the name.  Clever).  Anyway, each issue was fairly lengthy and often took me an entire flight to finish.

Wonder how they came up for the name of this magazi......ohhhhhhh.

    Since retirement, though, I haven't had the opportunity to travel much (I did plenty from 1976-2005, thank you very much).  As a result, I didn't get a chance to peruse my favorite Conservative publication much.  Occasionally, I'd find it at Barnes and Noble.  But, that was about it.  You could forget finding it at Wawa or 7-Eleven.

"No, but we do have mummified hot dogs, coffee that could strip paint, and farts disguised as hoagies wrapped in cellophane." 

    So, it was with that in mind that I decided to purchase a yearly subscription.  That way, I can examine each story at my leisure without having to worry about finishing it before landing.

Or getting the stink-eye from that woke scold in front of me.

    The National Review is no fan of Donald Trump, that's for sure.  To them, the Big Cheeto is the second coming of Benito Mussolini or, at the very least, a circus clown in a three-piece suit who stores a trove of classified documents in his toilet.

"But, I at least made the trains run on time."

    While I don't subscribe to every bit of their anti-Trump invective, I'm no fan of the man from Mar-a-Lago.  I wasn't during the 2016 primaries and I'm certainly not now.

"So, you're telling me there's a chance...'

Yeah, no.

    However, the latest issue (pictured at the top.  You're welcome) featured an article which went to the very heart of the effects the Trump train will have on the 2024 election.  I found myself nodding my head in agreement with pretty much everything it had to say.

    While I won't regurgitate everything (once again, you're welcome), it made some cogent points which would be worth your time to examine.

    Basically, the writer feels that Trump, even though he'll probably walk away with the GOP nomination, would be a disaster in the general election.  Despite what a lot of my friends (and stranger friends on Twitter) think, I agree with this.

    You've probably heard most of the writer's arguments.  But, he pointed out something that I had not considered.

    Dukakis, Gore, and Hillary failed to win the presidency for the Democrats (I would also add Kerry and Mondale, but why pile on?).  Guess who was not offered a return trip to the Dem nomination?  Dukakis, Gore, and Hillary.  

For the life of me, I never understood why Dukakis didn't resonate with the voters.

    It seems that the Democrats never hand the ball to a one-time loser, once they, uh, lost.  The writer gives grudging admiration to the smart way they play politics.  You could make the case that Gore and Hillary lost by razor thin margins, but the fact is, they did lose.

    Thank you for playing.  Now take your whiny sour grapes and dread foreboding of environmental doom elsewhere because we're not putting you on the field anymore.

And promising book career.

    Donald Trump who, despite his pompous bombast, has been on a losing streak.  A very good case could be made that his ego and big mouth cost the Republicans control of the Senate in 2020.  What's more, the purported red wave last year may have been tamped down because of Trump's inability to shut his piehole.

"Quite frankly, the losers at National Review have no idea what they're talking about because their magazine was started by some dead guy who had a speech impediment and, to be honest, I'm not a fan of people who aren't living anymore or who had a speech impediment if they even were alive even though some mental defectives would claim that William F. Buckley didn't have an impediment at all but spoke like an upper-class white guy which I clearly am not because I identify as an orange guy who wouldn't drink that Clydesdale piss disguised as Bud Light and who just leases that big airplane which doesn't contribute to climate change because our engines are fueled by Cheetos.  CHYNA!"

    Okay, many of you believe that Trump didn't lose the 2020 election.  In that case, I have nothing to say to you because you've convinced yourself.  Like hardcore Leftists, your partisan goggles and hero worship render you incapable of objective thought.  

    Personally, I think his personality was so repellent that a good many didn't pull the lever for Orange Julius last election.  This includes me.  Mind you, I didn't vote for Snowy Joe (I'm not insane).  Rather, I went for the Libertarian candidate.  That said, I don't believe the Delaware Department Store Dummy got 81 million votes, either.

    The reality that the Democrats are far better at playing the game than the Republicans does not bode well for any shot of common sense and wresting control of the White House away from a decrepit old man.  Who may decide to launch nuclear strikes just because they're no longer making episodes of Matlock.

"And those damn kids lighting bags of dog poop at the front door."

    I never considered that, once you lose as a Democrat, you'll never get a chance to run for president again.  Republicans, on the other hand, seem hell-bent on throwing The Donald back into the race.

    The writer made another very good point:  just because you're anti-Trump doesn't automatically mean that you're pro-Biden.  The two are mutually exclusive.

    Needless to say, I hope I am wrong about all of this.  But, I have a real fear that we'll have to deal with four more years of Progressive insanity.

    In any case, if you find yourself at the airport, you'd do well to pick up a copy of National Review.

    Just make sure no woke lunatic spits in your Diet Coke.

      

Once Upon a Time...

 Happy Independence Day!

Or, if you're not an American, Happy Fourth of July!