History of the World-Meanwhile, Back in Mespotomia

NOTE:  I'll continue to post this disclaimer.  The past several posts and who-knows-how-many-to-come are merely what I can remember from the Penguin Academy of Our Lady of Barnum Avenue and History Class at Stratford High School while growing up older in Connecticut.  I'll research some specifics, mostly dates and obscure names.  I'll also place historical events in their proper historical context.  Meaning, I won't have the Aztecs land on the moon. 

Or...did they?

Anyway, please don't use any of this nonsense to prepare for the History Advanced Placement Examination.  If you do, the only college you'll get into is Klown Kollege where you'll probably be confused for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  Or Joe Biden.  Especially if you sniff their hair.

Sumerians, Babylonians, and Assyrians.  Oh, My.

Mostly Sumerians.  Okay, only Sumerians.

Fun Fact:  "Mesopotamia" is Greek, Latin, or French
(probably not French, though) for "Between the Waters." 
And now you know.  Nerd.

 

 

"Prom?"

  While the Egyptians were working up the nerve to ask their sisters out on a date, the peoples gathered around the Tigris and Euphrates rivers decided their sisters weren't as hot as those Egyptian babes.  That being the case, they figured they may as well invent language, the wheel, 'Make Mesopotamia Great Again' ballcaps, dirty limericks, improved farming techniques, mud, "Let's Go Brandon" tee shirts, irrigation, knock-knock jokes, and flaying.

NOTE:  Okay, the Mesopotamian Civilizations may have arisen first.  Or not.  I wasn't there.  Were you?  Besides, I wanted to write about the Egyptians last week.  So…shut up.

    Many civilizations arose during this time frame, but it was that

"Cleanliness is next to godliness, you know. 
On an unrelated matter,
I can't wait until pants are invented. 
FYI, I wonder if I have feet."

of the Sumerians that first burst onto the scene in 3,000 BC (give or take a hundred years…go ahead…count).  Their culture was very similar to that of the Egyptians.  However, their leaders weren't called "Pharoahs."  Neither were they considered divine, even though they carried out some priestly functions (early budget cuts, don'tcha know?).   They bathed regularly, though.  

   Each of their cities was the home of a particular Sumerian god:  Innana at Uruk, Nanna at Ur, and PopPop (god of Pepomint Lifesavers), from West Palm Eanna.  In the early dynastic period, circa 2,800 BC (give or tak a hun…oh, you know the drill), they began building great stepped temples, called ziggurats, which paid extra homage to these deities.  And gave them a nice place to entertain out of town guests.

"Let's see those know-it-all Egyptians top this!"

Sigh....

    These palatial structures gave birth to a sizable bureaucratic structure including specialized administrators, merchants, mimes, lobbyists, and, most importantly, scribes.  As the day to day running of the palace grew more complex, a need to keep written

I dunno.  It's all Greek to me.

records arose.  After all, using the backs of Hittite slaves to keep track of how many goats were sacrificed was considered impractical.  So, Leo Scribe, of the Euphrates' Scribes, hit upon the idea of scratching wedge-shaped figures into wet blocks of mud.  Thus, cuneiform was invented.  Which resulted in an immediate shortage of mud tablets.  That was immediately blamed on China.

Colorforms would come much later.

   South of modern Iraq (yeah, that Iraq), the city of Ur dominated the region.  With its strong political organizations, wealth, and monopoly of mud, it was the shining beacon to those rubes who wanted to make something of themselves and get away from one-goat towns such as West Palm Eanna.  

    In addition to everything else, Ur boasted the largest ziggurat in the region and a cosmopolitan scene which partied hard.  Well, until the sun went down (they were still having a little trouble figuring out how to keep the lights on.  The first solution, setting slaves on fire, proved impractical.  Seriously, what were they good for?). 

"I dunno, if you ax me, I think these Ur guys are compensating for something. 
Hey, if you see any mud, can you pick some up?"

    Eventually, despite being united by King Lugalzagesi (of the Umma Lugalzagesis), the Sumerians were conquered by Sargon, King of Akkad in 2,400 BC (sounds pretty specific.  Then again, Leo the Scribe probably wrote the date down in mud) in his quest to found the First Galactic Empire in world history.

Sargon
Conqueror of Sumer

Calgon
Conqueror of Water Spots

 

   However, the Akkadian Empire began its decline once Sargon passed away from bad clams, knife in the ribs, or old age (Sources are unclear...Leo never wrote it down.  Probably ran out of mud).  His kids would have taken over the family business, but that wasn't the case (ain't that always the way?).  All they

"Oh, yeah?  I would so kick your ass in Call of Duty. 
If it was invented yet.  
Let's eat some Tide Pods, instead. 
They haven't been invented yet, either? 
Shit."

apparently wanted to do was hang out with their friends, smoke rye ziggurats, and ride slaves down the steps of the ziggurat of Ur.

    So, around 2,050 BC (are any of you really going to check the accuracy of these dates?  I didn't think so), Ur once more rose to prominence, after the alien invaders were ousted by the great general, Urk-Yuge-Trumpuk.  Under the 3^rd Dynasty (no, I don't remember what the 1^st and 2^nd dynasties were.  I don't think it's important.  And neither should you) of Ur-Nammu, Sumerian culture reached its zenith. 

No wonder it eventually died. 
The Japanese made better models.

    Eventually, though, Ur would be absorbed by other powers and the civilization of Sumer would vanish into history as the first real culture studied by Elementary School students before June.

    Because, when they got back from Sumer (see what I did there?) vacation, they studied the cool ones of Greece and Rome.

"At least the Romans became good Catholics.  
Who only tortured Zoroastrians, heretics, and Shriners.
Saints be praised."

    And, even though modern audiences consider the region to be a monolithic asylum of crazy people, it really was nothing of the sort.  It was a diverse asylum of crazy people.

    We'll meet some of those next time.

Next:  I finally get to Babylon and Assyrian.