"D" is For "Darius"

"D" is For "Darius"

                                                                     

the III

     For old and new followers: I’m out of town right now so I won’t be able to comment until Sunday. But, feel free to read the following pseudo-history.

    Darius III lived from 380-330 BC (BCE, to you politically-correct ninnies) and was the 13th and last King of Kings of Achaemenid Persia from 336-330.

    Spoiler:  he dies in 330.

    Fun Fact:  After it was Persia, it was Iran.  Before it was Persia, it was...wait for it...Iran.

    The Achaemenid Dynasty was noteworthy for rulers not named Darius III.  It included noteworthy fellas such as Cyrus the Great, Xerxes the Great,

and Darius...the Great.

    NOTE:  Last year, I described in excruciating detail who Xerxes was.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll do so again this year.  Not a whole lotta guys whose name starts with 'X,' ya know.

    Sadly (for him.  Me?  I don't care), Darius was pretty hacked off that he wasn't known as "the Great."  Then again, he realized it could have been worse, since his grandfather was "Herschel the So-So."

    Darius III is most known for creating the Royal Postal Service.

Meaning, they could send a clay tablet
from Persepolis to Parsagadae for the low, low price of one goat.

    He also holds the distinction of not being beaten by the Greeks, like Xerxes.    

"OH YEAH?  WHAT ABOUT ALEXANDER???"

  Oh.  Yeah.  Good point.

  NOTE:  Although, you could argue that Colin Farrell  Alexander...the Great (of course he was) is technically not Greek, but Macedonian.

And probably didn't have an Irish accent

    Speaking of, Alexander started his campaign of conquest in Macedonia (see?), which is Greek-like.  The boy general led his army of a swathe of conquest which included defeat of the Persians after they burned their capital city of Persepolis in 330.    

So much for the Goat Express

    Panicking after he saw flames and dead goats, Darius fled.  Unfortunately (for him.  Me?  I don't care), Alexander chased after him where he clobbered the Persian army of Issus.

"Great, Schmeat.  You suck."

    Thus defeated, the honorific of "King of Kings" would be retired and would reappear until Jeffrey Hunter assumed it in 1961.

    Darius did survive the battle.  Unfortunately (for him.  Me?  Well, you know my feelings on the matter), he was murdered by a relative, Bessus.

And you thought this family was dysfunctional

    Who apparently was sore after Darius made fun of the potato salad he brought to the 331 Achaemenid Family Reunion.

"I mean, come on!  He used Miracle Whip!"

    Alexander was pretty ticked off, because he planned on propping up Darius as ruler in his new empire.  So, he had Bessus tortured and killed.

    Pretty stand up, if you ask me (Bessus would probably argue the point).

    No wonder he was known as "the Great."