History of the World: Hanukkah

   Or Chanukah. 

  Or Festival of Lights.

  Whatever.

   Anyway, as most of the country (nay, world) prepares for Christmas, Jews around the world (see? world) began their celebration of Hanukkah at sundown last night. 

    For the next eight crazy days, they will commemorate the rededication of the Second Temple in Jerusalem following the Maccabean Revolt ousting the Seleucid Empire in the Second Century B.C. (or “BCE” for you politically correct ninnies).

    Despite the hoopla, Hanukkah is a relatively minor Jewish holiday.  I think that it has attained a bigger importance given its proximity to Thanksgiving, Christmas, Boxing Day, and New Years.  So, cool.  The more holidays, the merrier. I say.

  Although, I do wonder whether they're horning in on the holiday about the birth of the Little Baby Jesus.

 

"Which itself horned in on Saturnalia."

  Okay, that's fair.

  Anyway, once the infidels were given the bum’s rush from the temple on about the 25^th day of Kislev (one of the months in the Jewish lunar calendar), the Maccabees set about putting the place back together.  

  After all, the Greeks had totally defiled the joint.  They put up a statue of Zeus, sacrificed very slow pigs, scrawled naked pictures of Egyptian dancing girls on the walls, and banned circumcision.

"Good news.  You can forget about that circumcision thing."

  They discovered that there wasn’t enough clean oil to turn the lights back on. All they had was one vial which was considered clean (i.e., sealed by the High Priest).  To get oil which was considered holy would take over a week to process it sufficiently (remember, this was before AI).  So, they were in a bit of a kosher dill pickle.

  Since they had no choice, they used the one they had to light things up.  Well, lo and behold, it lasted 

   This miracle is described in the Talmud, one of the holy books.  Not to be confused with the Torah. 

Along with Jackie Mason Juggles!

  The rituals include lighting a candle each crazy night on the menorah, playing dreidel, eating latkes, wolfing down doughnuts, and watching Adam Sandler movies.

"Doughnuts?  Go on."

  And receiving a gift on each of the eight crazy nights.

  Since I’m Catholic, I will also give my Jewish wife a gift on Christmas.

  Perhaps a dozen jelly doughnuts?