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| "I'm not going to tell you again! If you don't sit down, I'm gonna turn this shit around!" |
October, my favorite month, gives us a chance to celebrate the exploits of a band of explorers who set sail from Barcelona in search of a western route to the fabulous wealth of the East (yeah, going west to get east doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, either).
 |
| Indeed |
In other words, the tenth month gives us a chance to bemoan the rape and pillage of a pristine wilderness by evil, white, European males who wouldn’t know a bar of soap if it smacked them in the heads.
"I say we go say 'hi.' What's the worst that could happen?"
So, in recognition of their accomplishments, mailmen get the day off and stores trot out their very best Columbus Day displays of bed linen (“Just imagine how comfy the Santa Maria would have been if Chris and the boys only had these sheets!!”).
As a holiday, though, Columbus Day really
doesn’t rank up there with the Big Four of Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and Boxing
Day. It doesn’t draw in the romantics
like Valentines Day, the patriots like the 4th of July, or even the corned beef
and Guinness crowd like St. Patrick’s Day.
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| "Erin go bbuuuurrrrrpppppppp....!" |
More times than not, we hardly know it’s
happened until the evening news greets us with, “Happy Columbus Day! Too bad you hadda go to work! Ha, ha, ha!”
My family has for many years celebrated
each holiday, no matter how innocuous.
For example, on Presidents’ Day, we used to dress up as our favorite
Commanders in Chief until my brother spoiled it for everyone when, dressed as Joe Biden, he fell up the stairs and picked a fight with the laundry.
For some reason, though, we never did much
to celebrate the day in 1492 when Ferdinand and Isabella’s favorite Genoan set
foot in the New World and proclaimed, “What the frik you mean this isn’t China!?"
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| Everyone knows this is china |
In order to make it easier for everyone to
properly observe one of the most significant accomplishments in world history
(behind invention of “The Clapper”), might I offer the following ways to
celebrate Columbus Day:
10. Slash the tires of those obnoxious,
know-it-all “Vikings were here first!” punks at the
Although, to be fair, Northern Indians were
more badass than the Caribbean ones.
9. Try to convince anyone that parrots, monkeys,
and coconuts are just as valuable as jewels, gold, and silk.
8. Go to the local tribal casino, extend a
heartfelt apology, drop a bundle at the craps table.
7. Put on a wrinkled raincoat, chew on a cigar,
try to figure out who put the poison in Miss Van Dyver’s highball...oh, I’m
sorry, that’s how to celebrate COLUMBO Day.
6. Grab some library books, draw
moustaches on pictures of Amerigo Vespucci.
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| "That's right. America. What do you have? Some city in Ohio? Suck it." |
5. Bring Christianity to your neighbors at the
point of a gun before selling them into slavery, claim your street for your
family, pass out blankets riddled with smallpox to the homeless, and shake down
passers-by, insisting they tell you where their gold is.
4. Go to a Chinese restaurant dressed as
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| "Hey! Who let white people in kitchen?" |
3. Forward a petition to the city council
demanding equal time with Labor Day.
2. With your friends, build a scaled-down
replica of
1. Once more dressed as
There now, I hope this list inspires you to
do something other than complain when you can’t use the drive-up window at the
bank.
But, if it’ll make you feel better, go get
yourself a cannoli.
Chris would’ve wanted it that way.
To my
good friends north of the border: Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! May your harvest tables be blessed with
bountiful feasts and happily free of moose and Celine Dion lookalikes.
As Martin Frobisher would have said, "Sure, it makes more sense than eating outside in November in frikkin' Massachusetts, but that four day weekend for American Thanksgiving would be wicked sweet, eh?"
