Dark Shadows

     True to my word (no, seriously), the following is what I hope is a lighthearted post with, really, no redeeming social values.  If you’re more inclined to topics of a much more sober (as opposed to drunk) nature, by all means visit Nobody Asked Me But... https://seriousal.blogspot.com.  Not that you’ll find any redeeming social values there, you understand.  It’s just a little more serious than this nonsense.

Thank you for your attention in this matter.

********

    I realize most of you in the audience are younger than I am.  In fact, since I've reached my own personal "sell-by" date, I can't imagine there's many of you who are older.  So, you may not remember the topic of this post. 

    I’ve recently taken to watching reruns of a television show on Tubi, which is a channel on my Smart TV that I found while surfing for porn cat videos.  That show is Dark Shadows (you may have guessed it, you clever boots) and, despite its horrible acting, laughable special effects, and numerous gaffes, I was entranced by it when I was eight years old.

    I first starting watching this first-of-its-kind Gothic soap opera upon the recommendation of my mother.

    Personal Observation:  Interesting that my mom was only twenty-seven years old at the time.  She obviously seemed like an old lady to me, but, oh to be only 27 now! (Remember that “sell-by” crack?  Yeah).

    Anyway, I thought this show was the coolest thing on TV (apart from Batman) and was mesmerized by its cast of supernatural creatures from ghosts to vampires to werewolves.  

And whatever TF this weird shit was. 

    I rushed home immediately from school, stopped in at the Thompson Food Market, bought myself a bag of pretzel nuggets and a Coke, and plopped in front of our console TV to watch the goings-on in Collinsport, Maine.

You'd think I would have spent more time chasing girls. 
Clearly, I was a hottie.

 Yet Another Personal Observation:  The fact that it was set in Maine seemed super-exotic to me, too.  Little did I know that the Navy would eventually transfer me there.  Yeah, not so exotic.  Lotta moose, though.

"Outta my way.  Gotta catch Dark Shadows."

    Broadcast on ABC from 1966-1971, Dark Shadows became a cult classic, especially for the younger crowd.  Sex symbols such as Jonathan Frid and David Selby as Barnabus and Quentin Collins titillated young girls.  And probably my mom.

Hee...hee...hee...I said 'titillated.'

    Or Boys.  I won’t judge.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    Oh, don’t worry.  We boys, or girls (once again, I won’t judge) had Kathryn Leigh Scott and Lara Parker as Maggie and Angelique.

I mean, even with the dental work, hubba hubba

    I was most distraught when it was cancelled and held its replacement, Password, personally responsible.

Effin' Allen Ludden

    Oh sure, there were movies in 1970, House of Dark Shadows, and 1971, the dreadful Night of Dark Shadows, but they were...meh.

    I remember how excited I was when the series came back in 1991 as a remake, starring Ben Cross as Barnabus Collins.  But, it was criminally short-lived.  It was entertaining, but it really wasn’t the same.

Ironically, I was living in Maine when this came out. 
Still a lotta moose.

Ben Cross would go on to play another out-of-this-world character as the Vulcan, Sarek. 
And then he died. 
Coincidence?

    And don’t get me started on that Johnny Depp adaptation of Dark Shadows.

    So, when I rediscovered the original Dark Shadows in all its cheesy glory, I felt like I was transported back to my childhood.  Except I was no longer a chubby eight-year old munching on pretzels and swilling soda.

    I was a chubby sixty-seven year old.