The Great Xerxes the Great Sequel

   When last we met...I never finished my tale of Xerxes the Great from the A-Z Challenge, did I?

   Let’s begin again, shall we?

    When last we met, Darius the Great named his son, Xerxes, as his successor.  This was mostly because Xerxes was the son of the daughter of Cyrus the Great.  And because he threw paper when his older brother, Artobazan, threw rock. 

    Then, having finished construction of his tomb at Naqsh-e-Rostam, Darius made ready to invade Egypt.  As if the revolting Egyptians (go ahead, feel free, make a joke here) weren’t bad enough, he was totally hacked off because their pyramids were much bigger than his ziggurats.

Apparently, size mattered. 
Even in the ancient world.

  But, wouldn’t you know it, Darius died before the Susa AAA Office could finalize his Trip-Tiks and his reservation for a non-smoking room at the Saqqara Days Inn could be confirmed.

  Good thing he had that tomb built.

  Almost immediately (by “almost immediately,” I mean “a year”), Xerxes the Great (“the Great” being passed down to him in the will) put down the revolts in Egypt.  And, for good measure, he decided to jump ugly with the Babylonians.  If only because he didn’t really trust the Husseins of Tikrit.

  In 484 B.C. (i.e., “Before Cable”), he outraged the Babylonians when he violently confiscated and melted down the statue of “Marduk.”

Luckily, the statue of Marmaduke was spared.

    Either that or he farted on it.  The Greek historian, Herodotus, is unclear on that point.  Outraged by this sacrilege, the people revolted again in 484 B.C.

And again in 482 B.C.  when they remembered they were still pissed off.

  Because of his success putting down multiple revolts, Xerxes decided to go beyond mere King of Babylon.  In addition, he named himself “King of Persia,” “Great King,” “King of Kings,” “Sky King,” “King Kong,” “Don King,” “Chicken a la King,” and “King of Nations.”

  The little dude was full of himself, huh?

"Don't forget 'King Creole the Armless.'"

"It's a good look, amirite?"

  Meanwhile, as if there wasn’t enough on his plate, Xerxes took on the task of punishing the Greeks for their interference with the Ionian Revolt (I don’t feel like looking it up), the burning of Sardis, their victory at Marathon, and for effing up his order of baklava.

Yep, that's where the name of the long-ass race came from. 
Only without the Kenyans.

    From 483 B.C. onward, Xerxes prepared his expedition.  A channel was dug through the isthmus (NOTE: fancy word for “small strip of land between two bodies of water.”  Rhymes with “Christmas.”) of the peninsula of Mt. Athos, provisions (including granola, paraffin-coated matches, and sewing kits) were stored in the stations on the road through Thrace, and two pontoon bridges (known as “Xerxes Pontoon Bridges,” totally pissing off their designer, Bargoas the Meek) were built across the Hellespont (which I sincerely hope was water).

  Soldiers of many nationalities made up the Persian army: Assyrians (getting their “freak” on), Phoenicians (who brought the alphabet and potato salad), Babylonians (who finally forgave Xerxes for that farting thing), and Egyptians (who were so bored they started mummifying cats).

A contingent of Jewish soldiers also came along to provide legal advice and dry cleaning.

 

     Setting out from Persepolis (after having to turn back because the damn Assyrians left the water running), Xerxes’ decided it would be quicker to go by way of the Hellespont.

The Phoenicians agreed to go only if there was a nice, clean gas station along the way.

     Resisting the urge to fire back, “Yeah, as if YOU people ever wash your hands,” the King of Nations grudgingly agreed.

     After all, they did bring the potato salad.

     The journey was an arduous affair, made even more so when they had to detour around construction of the “Death to America” monument and the fact that nobody remembered to bring the horses.

     Finally reaching the Hellespont, the strait of water which separated Asia from Europe (and crazy people from other crazy people), nobody remembered where they parked the pontoon bridges.  Unfortunately, by the time they found them, a fierce storm (taking Chief Meteorologist Chip “Hurricane” Achaemenes completely by surprise) destroyed the only way to Thrace (NOTE:  this is in Greece.  I looked it up).

     In a fit of rage, Xerxes ordered the Hellespont whipped 300 times and had fetters thrown in the water.

Despite Ahmed Fetters swearing he had nothing to do with the storm.

     Finally, after calling for some help from the Trojan AAA office, bridges were built and the army invaded Greece.  Threatening local people with the loss of their lands, rape of their women, and vicious titty-twisters, Xerxes picked up allies along the way.  Thessaly, Thebes, Argos, and France (who figured, “you never could be too sure”) took up the Persian banner as Xerxes moved to face his greatest foes, Athens and Sparta.

"THIS...IS...SPARTA!"

    Yeah, yeah, we get it.  Just hold your horses.

    Well, I think you've had enough for one day.  We'll pick this story up on May 8th in the...

The Great Sequel to the Great Xerxes the Great Sequel