Penwasser Place: The Great Sequel to the Great Xerxes the Great Sequel

We continue....

"What? Maybe you were expecting that fruitcake from 300?"

"Yep. That poof."

First concentrating on Sparta (Athens was still in the shower), the Persians clashed with King Leonidas at Thermopylae. Even though initially rebuffed by fierce Spartan resistance, rock-hard abs, and an inexplicable Scottish accent,

"Inexplicable to yew, p'rhaps, ye daft git!"

the Persians defeated the 300 after a Greek traitor showed them the rear entrance (ancient Greeks being very familiar with rear entrances).

Hey, don’t take my word for it. Rent the movie. It has some cool naked scenes in it.

And Cersei Lannister

After Sparta, Athens was captured. Some historians claim Xerxes ordered the cradle of democracy burned while Persian scholars claim he did nothing of the sort. Who would be crazy enough to destroy a major center of trade and commerce?

Oh, I don't know.
Anyone who would whip water a couple hundred times?

NOTE: To understand this, please visit the last Xerxes post.

Xerxes then attacked the Greek fleet at Salamis in September, 480 BC. This proved to be a disaster because, despite outnumbering their foe, the Persian warships were no match for the maneuverable little Greek vessels.

And relentless volleys of flaming gyros.

Using the excuse of unrest in Babylon (who never got over the fact that Xerxes farted on their god)*, Xerxes sent most of his army home. He left a token force behind under command of Mardonius, but they were overrun by a Greek Amish family and herd of sheep at Plataea the following year. After a few Persian ships anchored at Mycale were destroyed, the Greek city-states once more felt the breath of freedom.

To kill each other

In 465 BC, Xerxes was murdered by Artabanus, commander of the royal bodyguard (how frikkin’ ironic is that?).

What transpired next has led to confusion among historians (hey, cut them some slack. It was almost 1,500 years ago and Al Gore hadn’t invented the internet yet). Let’s see...Artabanus accused Crown Prince Darius of the murder and persuaded his brother, Artaxerxes (NOTE: Persian for “sucky name”) to kill him.

However, according to Aristotle, noted Greek philosopher, mentor to Alexander the Great, and owner of a chain of diners in the Peloponnesus, Artabanus killed Darius first before killing Xerxes with the help of a eunuch, who undoubtedly was cranky because he hadn’t had his coffee. Or his testicles.

Then, once Ataxerxes found out who the real culprit was, he whacked Artabanus.

Good grief, my head hurts

Seriously, though, who cares? They’re all dead now, anyway.

Xerxes-one of the great leaders of the ancient world, source of pride for the Persians (who really haven’t had that much to brag about since), and reason why the letter ‘X’ is pronounced like the letter ‘Z.’

There’s more, to be sure. For instance, I omitted his public works initiatives, construction projects, religious beliefs, and his 72-day marriage to Artossa Kardashian. Yes, the King of Kings was much more than a megalomaniac bent on assimilation of all the peoples of the known world.